ãIs Mio-san always like that?ã
I ask quietly and look next to me.
Mio-san has left, but Sendai-san is limping. I donât know why she is so tired, but I think she should rest soon.
ãShe was more energetic than usual.ã
ãIs that so?ã
There is no point in staying in this room anymore.
We are both tired, and I know I should go back to my room, but my body wonât move.
ãâ¦Get your smartphone out.ã
Trying to stay in a room I had no reason to be in, I blurted out to give myself a legitimate reason to be here.
ãSmartphone? Why?ã
ãThe photo that Sendai-san showed to Mio-san. I, I havenât been shown it yet.ã
If there was a reason to be here, to hear what I wanted to hear, I could be here. No matter how tired she is, it shouldnât be too much of a burden to at least have a conversation.
ãItâs the usual you, Miyagi.ã
Sendai-san says in a soft voice and smiles at me.
ãWhy wonât you show it to me?ã
.
ãItâs one of the pictures Iâve shown Miyagi so far. Thereâs no need to go to the trouble of showing them. Besides, I donât want you to erase them.ã
ãâ¦Then, thatâs enough.ã
I want to erase the strange pictures, but I know that there is no way to erase them now. What should be erased is Mio-sanâs memory, which cannot be erased, so I have to give up.
ãMiyagi, are you not feeling well?ã
I hear a voice from next to me that sounds seriously concerned.
ãWhy?ã
ãBecause you backed down.ã
Thatâs disturbing.
Sure, I may not be honest, but I donât think sheâs so twisted as to be concerned about my health with one word:ãEnough.ã
ãI donât know what kind of pictures they are, but Mio-san has already seen them, so thereâs no point in getting hung up on them.ã
ãThen you didnât have to tell this story again. Why did you ask me to show you again?ã
I donât want to be asked why.
I canât answer that I wanted a reason to be here.
ãâ¦I donât remember why.ã
I answer in a small voice and look at Sendai-sanâs finger.
The teeth marks that I put on while Mio-san went to the bathroom are gone.
No wonder.
Things like that disappear quickly.
I stroke my index finger to trace the invisible bite mark.
Touching it, I canât find any trace of me.
But the mark should still be on.
I know it wonât disappear that easily, but I want to unbutton her blouse to check. And I want to stroke the mark, take off her clothes and underwear, and make lots of new marks.
I would want to make her body into a body that no one could ever see.
But since Mio-san is no longer with us, there is no point in such things.
ãIâm going back to my room.ã
I squeezed Sendai-sanâs index finger and then released it.
ãWhy donât you stay over today?ã
Before I could stand up, Sendai-san says it like itâs nothing.
ãThis is your room and Iâm not staying here⦠Didnât we talk about something like this before?ã
ãDonât worry about the details. You can sleep in this room.ã
ãI donât want to.ã
ãâ¦Will you continue?ã
ãWith what?ã
ãA continuation of what you did before Mio came.ã
Sendai-san says quietly and intertwines her fingers with my hand. The hands are âlinkedâ rather than âheldâ by Sendai-san, who pulls on them as if urging me to do something.
I tried to untie my hands, feeling that the intimate way our hands were held together, to say we were roommates, would give this conversation a deeper meaning. But our joined hands donât want to leave each other. Sendai-san connects them firmly and bumps her shoulder against mine.
ãLetâs do it, continuing it.ã
She whispers in my ear and tells herãI wonât.ãI pushed Sendai-sanâs shoulder with my untethered hand and she whispered to me again.
ãShiori.ã
A pleasant voice tickles the ear.
I bite my lip, wanting to reach for the buttons on my blouse.
We shouldnât do that kind of thing now.
If I continue to be dragged along by her body heat, the line between roommate and non-roommate will become blurred.
No, Iâm already fuzzy, I donât know where I stand. I donât even know where I want to get to. When I look back, I can only see the marks I made like a signpost, but I know that even if I follow them, I will not be able to return to where I was.
ãI didnât say you could call me by my name.ã
I forced to let go of our joined hands.
ãYou always say it like that, but is there ever a day when you say itâs okay?ã
ãâ¦I donât know, but not now.ã
ãThen, call me Hazuki.ã
ãThatâs not now either.ã
If I call her Hazuki, Maika will also calls her Hazuki.
Sendai-san told me that such a promise was made.
I still cannot accept that it will be so. I also cannot accept the deal that Sendai-san will start calling MaikaãMaikaãinstead ofãUtsunomiya.ãI know that one day I will have to accept it, but it is certainly not now.
ãYou can refuse to do what I say, but if you refuse to do everything I say, Iâm afraid I wonât be able to stand it⦠You should at least allow me one thing.ã
ãWhat will satisfy you if I allow it?ã
When I asked, Sendai-san grabbed my blue skirt. Then, after thinking for a moment, she said clearly.
ãââYour room, Miyagi.ã
ãSendai-san, you really are an idiot. Itâs not just one.ã
I slap the hand that holds my skirt and try to stand up. But Sendai-san grabs my arm and pulls me close to her face. She was about to kiss me as a matter of course and I pushed her shoulder.
ãI donât want to.ã
ãMiyagi, you think I do whatever you say, donât you? Are you thinking that Iâm like a dog or something?ã
A slightly low, disgruntled voice is heard.
ãSendai-san is not a dog, youâre âmy property.âã
ãIsnât a being a property ranked lower than a dog?ã
ãI think theyâre better handled than dogs.ã
ãThen show me that youâre good at handling me.ã
Sendai-san says difficult things.
I do not want to own a dog.
The only person I want to keep to myself is Sendai-san.
But that doesnât mean she canât be treated better than a dog.
Then, what do I do?
I reach for Sendai-san, who is looking at me like a dog wanting a treat. I cover her eyes looking at me without averting her gaze and bring her lips to mine. I know she wonât be fooled by this, but she kisses me, which Sendai-san tried to do earlier and I refused, and asks,ãIs this okay?ã
ãDo you think this will be enough?ã
My hand covering Sendai-sanâs eye is removed by her, and her fingertips stroke the back of my hand, pressing hard on the first joint of my index finger. She pressed strong and, hard, like when I bit her index finger. She doesnât bite like I do, but I know she is saying that the kiss I just gave her wasnât enough. So I kiss her again.
Lightly touch her lips and let go.
The fingers are pulled back and the lips are licked with the tip of the tongue.
My lips open thinly and I enter her. Warm, lukewarm tongues entwine and mingle strongly. The fingertips that had been gripping me are released, and I become aware of the tip of my tongue. The heat that I can clearly feel makes me suffer. I hear Sendai-sanâs voice as she grabs my blouse and removes her lips from it.
ãThe button, you can unbutton. You want to mark it, didnât you?ã
I look down at my hands.
The hand gripping her blouse was where the mark would have been. If I unbutton it, I can put a mark on her that no one but me can put on her.
But the mark will disappear one day like a tooth mark.
It wonât stay with her forever. So I have to mark it again, and then it disappears again, and then I have to mark it again. No matter how many times I mark it, I will never be satisfied.
ãMiyagi.ã
She calls me softly by my ear and attaches my lips to her neck. Sendai-san does not reject me. I suck lightly and her arms were around my back. She hugs me tightly and leaves a thin mark.
ãIâm going back to my room today.ã
I kissed the mark I made where I can see it, then stands up.
Perhaps if I stay with Sendai-san, I will do something that will keep her from leaving this house forever.
Sendai-san is mine, so I can do that. Itâs spring break now, so I donât have much trouble marking places where I can see them.
But thatâs not enough for today.
ãWhy not?ã
I let out a small breath at the sound of Sendai-sanâs voice.
Today I want to do what only I can do for Sendai-san, and I want to see Sendai-san as only I can see her.
Sendai-san is mine, so I can do those things. Itâs spring break now, so I donât have much trouble doing that kind of thing here.
But sheâs not a dog that will do whatever I tell her to do.
I also need to respect her wishes.
What I want to do should not be done without her consent. And to get her consent, I need words.
ãâ¦why would I not.ã
Itâs not like the first time I touched Sendai-san from me. Now I am lost for words. Somehow, I am no longer able to tell Sendai-san what I want to do or touch her as selfishly as I did then.
ãWell, take this and sleep with her.ã
Sendai-san then hands me the penguin lying on the bed.
ãCanât you just take it with you?ã
ãNo. Sleep with her. So, Iâll lend Pen-chan to you.ã
Sendai-san grabs me by the arm and I have to leave her room. Then I had to bring a tissue box-alligator from my room for Sendai-san, who smiled in front of my room and said,ãIâll wait for you here.ã
ãHere you go.ã
At the door, I handed a knackered crocodile to Sendai-san.
ãItâs not Roro-chan.ã
ãIâll lend you the crocodile.ã
I cannot give the stuffed black cat to Sendai-san because it has the role of protecting my sleep.
ãThe crocodile is just fine.ã
ãWhat will you do with that?ã
ãIt will sleep together with me.ã
Without hesitation, Sendai-san patted the crocodile on the head as she said so.