Once before breakfast and once before lunch.
I knocked on the door twice each.
I also called her name.
But Miyagi didnât come out of her room and didnât say yes or no.
I know why she never comes out of her room.
There is no other reason than what happened yesterday.
The promise that she kept for Christmas is keeping Miyagi away from me. Itâs better that she doesnât run away from home, but if she stays home and doesnât come out of her room, itâs not so different from running away from home. Itâs hard to be in the same house and be so blatantly avoided that I canât even see her face.
I breathe in and out.
I tap a little louder on the door of Miyagiâs room.
Knock, knock.
I listen carefully, but nothing is coming from inside. I knock for the third time today, but my knock is easily ignored.
ãMiyagi!ã
I call loudly to the door, but there is no answer.
I wish she would open the door before I go to my part-time job at the cafe, which starts today.
I bang loudly on the door again.
The room remains quiet, and I rest my forehead against the door and stroke my neck.
Body temperature is not felt.
All my fingertips convey is the feel of the turtleneck that hides the bite marks made on Miyagi yesterday.
ãMiyagi, youâre there, arenât you?ã
There was still no answer and the door would not open.
I donât think I need a door that wonât open.
I think it would be better to get rid of the door that separates Miyagi and me. In addition, I want to knock down the wall separating my room and Miyagiâs room and put it in the oversize garbage can.
Thinking about what I canât do, I knock on the door, which is nothing but an obstacle, and put my hand on the doorknob.
ãIâm going in.ã
I bluster, but my hands donât move. I feel guilty about going into the room without being told it was okay. I wish I could throw away all this common sense or decency, but I canât.
I slam the door again.
ãIâll open it.ã
As I uttered the wish to open it, I heard Miyagiâs voice for the first time today.
ãI didnât say you could come in.ã
ãWell, say okay then.ã
ãI donât want to.ã
ãIâm going to my part-time job now, so at least let me see your face.ã
I moved my forehead away from the door and calls out, âMiyagi.â
The voice that came back earlier doesnât return, and there is silence on the other side of the door.
ãIâll open it, okay?ã
This time she didnât complain.
This probably means I can go in, and I quietly open the door. I stepped into the room and immediately saw and called out to the mass of bedding.
ãMiyagi, show your face.ã
ãI donât want to.ã
Miyagi, who has turned into a large caterpillar on the bed, replies.
ãHave you eaten?ã
No reply.
But I know the answer because the food in the fridge was not decreasing.
ãFried rice, I made some for you, for lunch and put it in the fridge, so heat it up and eat it, Miyagi.ã
As I approached Miyagi, who was wrapped in the futon and didnât show her face, and sat down on the bed, I heard a small voice say,ãThank you.ã
ãMiyagi.ã
When you pull on the edge of the bedding, it pulls back.
ãSendai-san, youâre going to work part-time, right? Go early. Youâll be late.ã
ãI still have time.ã
I tap the futon and call out âMiyagiâ again, but the futon remains a caterpillar and doesnât turn into Miyagi.
Maybe I shouldnât have used the word âsex.â
I want her to be aware of me.
I want her to be aware of what it is like to be me.
Thatâs what I thought when I said those words, but there was no point in making her aware of them if I didnât intend to tell her I liked her. I didnât want Miyagi to not come out of the futon like this.
I exhale loudly and grab the comforter.
As usual, as if nothing had happened yesterday, I pull the covers over my head and call out,ãMiyagi.ã
ãShut up, Sendai-san.ã
Miyagi, wearing a sweatshirt instead of pajamas, pulls only her upper body out of the futon and raises her eyebrows grimly.
ãArenât you going to change?ã
No matter how aware she is of me, no matter how aware she is of what sheâs doing with me, Miyagi will never tell me she loves me. Even though she has done all kinds of things that I can only assume she likes me, Miyagi is not the kind of person who would say such a thing.
So we should get back to the continuation of our routine.
ãIâll study and stay home, so I can keep my sweatshirt on.ã
Miyagi makes a low voice and glares at me.
For all intents and purposes, she is in a bad mood.
Well, there is no element of her getting better.
I lifted the corner of my mouth to smile and pointed to Miyagiâs neck.
ãThereâs a mark right here.ã
The hickey I gave her yesterday is still clearly visible. I crawl my fingertips up Miyagiâs neck and stroke the mark, and she claps my hands.
ãWhat are you doing here?ã
ãYou made me a promise.ã
ãIf itâs a promise, I already kept it.ã
ãYou promised me something else, didnât you?ã
ãNo.ã
Miyagi assures me that I am not wrong.
There are other promises she has to keep.
ãWho told me to mark the days I go to my part-time job? If youâve forgotten, remember.ã
It was me who told Miyagi that I would be working part-time at a café during winter break, and I told her to have me mark it if I was going to work there. I might add, she also told me not to go anywhere except my part-time job.
I intend to keep that promise, and I intend to have Miyagi keep it as well.
ãâ¦Today is fine. Go to your part-time job early. Youâll be late.ã
Miyagi, who has only her upper body out from the futon, says in a voice that lacks any trace of affection.
ãYouâre the one who started it, so make sure you mark it right.ã
ãI told you I wonât do it today.ã
ãThen, a condition of the exchange. If you answer my questions, Iâll agree that you donât have to keep your word today.ã
ãItâd be a weird question anyway.ã
ãItâs not weird. I just want to know if you saw my dream.ã
I know she will never answer, but I stare at Miyagi. I look at her, and her lips are about to move, then close. Miyagi grabs a pillow. And I am hit on the arm with that pillow.
ãThat hurt.ã
ãI knew that was a weird question.ã
ãAsking if you had a dream is just part of everyday conversation. It just sounds weird because Miyagi thinks itâs weird.ã
ãâ¦Did you see it, Sendai-san?ã
ãI would say no questions back to questions, but⦠I saw it. Miyagiâs dream yesterday.ã
I told Miyagi to dream and I did.
I feel really stupid, but it is within my expectations.
How could I not dream about Miyagi yesterday?
I had a dream that I didnât want to wake up from, adding what was to what was not. I think it was such a good dream that I wish I could do the same today.
ãDid you see it, Miyagi?ã
I take the pillow from Miyagi, who is decorated with a futon, and tug on her arm. My body leans toward Miyagi and I feel her warm, fresh breath on my ear.
On the bed.
Miyagi right beside me.
I remember yesterday.
My body stiffens, and bad thoughts pop into my head. âMiyagi,â I said aloud, and I grabbed the knit covering her neck. An unreserved hand forcefully pulls the knit, and a hard one hits my neck.
It bites into the skin as if tearing it, and the pain spreads.
Perhaps where Miyagi is setting her teeth, there are the marks she carved into me yesterday when she bit down so hard that I was stunned.
It hurts.
The sensations that are given to my marks and overwrite yesterday and consume me. The burning pain makes the memory of yesterday more vivid.
The body responded more honestly than the first time I touched it.
The voice that called me and Hazuki.
It comes to my mind more clearly than a dream, and I hug Miyagi as if to pull her out of the futon.
If I could, I would have pushed Miyagi down on this bed without having to go to my part-time job. I want to forget everything, stay in this house as Miyagi says, and not go anywhere.
I put strength into the arm around her back.
I almost stopped breathing from the creaking pain given by the teeth piercing my skin, and when I whispered, âMiyagi,â she abruptly pushed my shoulder.
ãI marked it.ã
Miyagi blurts out and moves a little away from me.
ãIâm not sure I want to be marked up here.ã
On the knit, I stroked the place where the teeth marks would have been.
ãYou promised to put it where I want to put it, and I donât care where I put it. Besides, youâre wearing it to put it here.ã
ãIâm wearing it because I canât go to my part-time job without covering up the marks Miyagi made on me yesterday.ã
ãThen go to your part-time job early.ã
Miyagi says in a low voice and pushes me.
I grab her hand and pull it away, and now she bites me on the neck over my clothes. It was better than a direct bite, but it still hurt. Still, I donât want to let go of Miyagi, so I put my arm around her back, and she runs away.
ãThe mark, are you done?ã
ãItâs done.ã
A curt voice replies.
Miyagi is in a foul mood, as if yesterday was a lie.
She doesnât smile at me, and she wouldnât call me Hazuki even if she were dead, but she looks cute to me.
ãIâll be home late today.ã
I tell Miyagi, who is more attached to the futon than me.
ãâ¦What about the meal?ã
ãMeal?ã
ãSendai-sanâs mealã
ãIâm working about it on night.ã
ãThen, what about my food?ã
ãYour food, Miyagi?ã
ãI donât want to do anything today.ã
Miyagi blurts out and looks down at the futon.
ãDoes that mean you want me to make it?ã
ãIf you donât want to make it, thatâs fine.ã
ãI can make it, okay? You must be hungry.ã
ãIf I starve to death, it will be Sendai-sanâs fault.ã
ãGot it. Iâll be back as soon as I can.ã
Miyagi doesnât tell me sheâs waiting for me, but I feel the air relax and bring my face closer to hers. But before our lips could touch, she pushed my shoulder with all her strength.