I think I spoke with Miyagi for the first time at school.
I had called Miyagi up once to talk to her, but that was more like an extension of our time together. But not earlier. It was the first time I had what seemed like a conversation in front of my friends.
It wasnât a big deal, but it seemed like a big deal, and it drove me crazy. I donât have to turn around, but I want to.
ãHazuki, youâre acting kind of spaced out, are you seriously okay?ã
I hear Uminaâs unexpectedly loud voice and look next to me.
ãSorry. I was just thinking.ã
ãYouâll bump to someone again.ã
She laugh at me in a lighthearted tone, and my response was, âSure,â and walks down the corridor.
I listen carefully, but I donât hear Miyagiâs voice.
Only Umina and Marikoâs voices are in my ears.
ãThat girl we just met, Miyagi, right?ãAre you close with her?ã
Umina says, as if remembering.
ãI know itâs Miyagi, but we donât really get along.ã
ãYou two were walking together on summer vacation.ã
ãWith who?ã
ãWith Miyagi.ã
ãI think you have the wrong person.ã
Iâm used to lying, so the words come easily.
ãI donât think Iâd mistake Hazuki for her.ã
Umina, perhaps too confident, bites back.
ãAnd I remember it well because I saw it in a weird place.ã
The name of the station that Umina mentioned was the place where me and Miyagi went on our summer vacation and watched a movie together. So the two people she saw were definitely me and Miyagi, and she was not mistaken.
ãNow that you mention itâã
Before entering the classroom, I tell my memory to correct the lie I told.
ãMy relatives had a house in that area and I went there. Thatâs when I ran into Miyagi.ã
ãEh, Hazuki. I have relatives in that area. I have a cousin who lives near the station too.ã
Inside the classroom, Mariko said while avoiding her desk, and Umina, looking bored, continued,ãEven Hazuki sometimes forgets.ã
ãIâm just human.ã
ãWell, either we get along or we donât, it doesnât matter. I was just wondering if that girl was the reason you didnât hang out with me over the summer break.ã
Umina sits down and looks at me with resentful eyes. I do not go to my seat and continue talking with Umina.
ãYou said you were going to a prep school for summer vacation. Why was Umina there?ã
ãMy boyfriend and dates.ã
ãIn a place like that?ã
ãWe talked about going somewhere different once in a while. I donât see any kids from our school there, do I? So I went a little out of my way.ã
It backfired.
Miyagi should have deliberately chosen a place where we were unlikely to meet anyone we knew.
I never would have guessed that Umina would have gone that far with the same idea.
ãYou guys are so close. I envy you.ã
I donât want to remind her of the start of the conversation, although she doesnât seem to have any intention of pursuing what happened with Miyagi.
I smiled and proceeded with the conversation, and it seems that the last comment I made was a good one, as her mood improved just a little. She talks about where me and Miyagi went that day, what we ate, and so on.
I donât mean to be jealous of other peopleâs happiness, but itâs not a story that interests me much, and Uminaâs voice becomes one that I can only hear.
I look down and look at my hands.
It is obvious, but there is no trace of Miyagi.
ãDid you get hurt when you bumped into her?ã
Mariko peeks into my hand, as if she is suspicious of me staring at it.
ãI didnât. Iâm okay.ã
ãReally?ã
ãLook, I look fine right?ã
I wave my hand.
ãPassed. Now you can hold hands with your boyfriend on a date.ã
ãI donât have anyone like that.ã
ãI know. Just make it up as you go along.ã
ãEven if I make it, I might not hold hands.ã
ãWhy? Just plug it in.ã
Mariko looks at me strangely.
ãDo you hold hands that much?ã
I ask this question not necessarily to either Umina or Mariko.
The question is not one that I ask with any deep meaning. I donât think the answer will help me.
Miyagi came to mind, but Miyagi is not my girlfriend, nor do I want to walk hand in hand with her. But when Iâm around her, Iâm aware of her. Itâs the same as before.
ãNormally, youâd hook it up.ã
Mariko puts out her hand as if teasing me, and I hold it.
Marikoâs hand is not so different from Miyagiâs hand.
Itâs warm and soft.
Perhaps even Uminaâs hands are the same.
But Miyagi is clearly different from the two.
I donât want to hold hands with her, but I do want to touch her. Earlier, when I bumped into her in the hallway, she naturally grabbed my hand. These feelings are not as healthy as Mariko suggests.
ãWhat, do you have a crush on someone?ã
Umina looks at me with a face of nothing but interest.
This is getting troublesome.
This is a pattern that is pursued by those who say they donât have any, saying,ãYou must at least have someone you care about.ã
ãWho, who is it?ã
I also hear Marikoâs happy voice, and as Iâm thinking of an appropriate answer, the chime rings.
ãClass is about to start.ã
Aided by a righteously timed chime, I take my seat, and the teacher soon enters the classroom.
Class begins and the teacherâs voice echoes.
I copy the words on the blackboard into my notebook.
On the white paper, my right hand spells âMiyagiâ in the margin and erases it.
I want to talk about it at school.
I hear my own voice in my head, overriding the teacherâs voice.
â¦Itâs ridiculous.
There is nothing to talk about with Miyagi at school. For the most part, there are still long periods of silence even when we are alone.
I push the extraneous thoughts out of my mind and turn to a page in my textbook. If I concentrate only on filling in my notes, the class will end as usual, neither long nor short. As I sat down to eat lunch with Umina and the others, I heard a ringtone and took my phone out of my bag.
Sitting back down and looking at the screen, what I received was the usual message from Miyagi, filling up my after-school schedule. Itâs unusual to be called out two days in a row, but Iâm not surprised.
I grabbed her wrist in the hallway.
Thatâs what she want to pursue.
The problem is that I canât explain why I grabbed Miyagiâs wrist in front of everyone. I could answer that I wanted to touch her, but I donât think Miyagi would be satisfied with such an answer. They would ask why you wanted to touch them.
I didnât want to give Miyagi back to my friend.
There is no way I could say that behind the desire to touch, there was such a feeling. It was an emotion the size of a kompeito*, but inappropriate to direct at Miyagi.
I send a message to Miyagi to make an after-school appointment and get up from my seat.
The thought of being pursued for what happened in the hallway makes my head hurt.
Itâs a hassle.
But I didnât find it troublesome to meet Miyagi.