As I decided yesterday, I got up earlier than usual.
I did not sleep well.
I bite down on a sore throat and open the refrigerator.
The cheese catches my eye and reminds me that there are mini-tomatoes in the vegetable room. I could spread jam and butter on my toast as usual, but today I want something different.
ãI think weâll have some pizza toast.ã
I get out two plates and put a piece of bread on each.
The breakfast I prepare is for two people, and Miyagi is home today.
She didnât run away from home, there were shoes at the door and I could feel her presence behind the door. She havenât said good morning yet, but she can say good morning if I wait.
ãââGood morning.ã
After a small murmur, not exactly a rehearsal, I spread ketchup on a piece of bread and top it with cheese, halved mini-tomatoes and ham. After the prepared bread is placed in the toaster, shred the cabbage and cut the cucumber to make the salad. The toaster made a high-pitched noise as I placed the cabbage and cucumbers on a deep plate along with the rest of the mini-tomatoes I used for pizza toast.
The meal is almost ready, but Miyagi has not yet come out of her room.
After wondering whether to knock on the door and call Miyagi, I take the bread with the melted cheese out of the toaster and place it on a plate. I wish I had basil but I canât put on top of what I didnât buy, so I put olive oil and pepper on my pizza toast.
I look at the door to Miyagiâs room, but the door doesnât open.
I carry the salad and pizza toast to the table and get the orange juice out of the fridge. After pouring the tangerine-colored liquid into a glass, I let out a small breath.
Meals were not made to be eaten alone.
Both the pizza toast and the salad are meant to be eaten with Miyagi, and I stand in front of her room.
With three deep breaths.
Clasp and open my hands, then squeeze them together as if Iâm making goo.
Itâs not the first time I knock on the door of Miyagiâs room, but Iâm nervous.
I knock on the door once with a thump.
Nothing is heard from inside.
I knocked on the door twice, this time with a loud thump, and I heard a voice said,ãWhat?ã
ãMiyagi, breakfast is ready.ã
I consciously say it in the same voice as usual.
Ten seconds or fifteen seconds?
Maybe more than that, but after waiting for a while, Miyagi comes out from inside. But she looks down and our gazes donât meet. I sayãGood morningãto Miyagi, who finally walks out of the room, though she doesnât look up.
ãâ¦Morning.ã
A small voice answered, and the sound of a door slamming shut echoed through the room.
Miyagi looks down and does not look at me. Awkward, I wonât say, but I can tell that she thinks so from her refusal to look up.
ãLook at me.ã
I call out to Miyagi, who is staring at the floor.
ãI donât have to face you.ã
ãJust look at me.ã
ãWhy?ã
ãThatâs my line. Why does Miyagi not look at me?ã
I ask a question without expecting for the answer.
The reasons why Miyagi doesnât look at me are predictable and not that important.
It hurts my heart if she doesnât look at me for whatever reason, and if she doesnât have a reason, it just hurts my heart more, and itâs not interesting because it hurts either way. It resembles the pain of a creeping, infected wound, and itâs depressing to think that the pain will last forever.
ãI donât know.ã
Miyagi replies in a whisper without raising her gaze.
I said good morning, and now we are going to have breakfast together.
Everything I thought about yesterday is coming true.
But itâs not going to be enough.
ãMiyagi.ã
I call her weakly and reach out her hand.
I tucked her hair behind her ear and touches the plumeria earrings I chose and gave to her. I felt the little flowers with my thumbs, then I called Miyagi again and kissed her earrings, who grabbed me by the hem of my T-shirt.
I parted my lips and looked at Miyagi and our eyes met.
I kissed her on the cheek and then said,ãGood morningãand she replied,ãGood morning,ãin a clearer voice than before, but Miyagi looks down again.
ãDid you have a dream today?ã
I ask her, who does not seem to want to make eye contact with me.
ãI didnât see one.ã
ãI saw one myself. I had a dream that Miyagi hugged me.ã
When I told her the content of the dream, which I had not even seen, Miyagi looked up and saw me.
ãThatâs, a lie, isnât it?ã
ãItâs a lie. I really didnât see it.ã
To be precise, I couldnât sleep enough to dream, just enough to doze off.
ãSendai-san, you lie so easily.ã
Miyagi says in a gruff voice and tries to look down again. So I take her lips before she looks down.
I bring my lips together so hard that I can feel the hardness behind the softness, and then I let go. But before Miyagi could take a breath, I kissed her again, my teeth against her gummy, elastic lower lip.
I want to push Miyagi down like this.
Even if not on the bed, I want to touch Miyagi and kiss her besides her lips.
I know that is not possible, but I think so.
I bite and lick her soft lips.
I put my lips so close together that I couldnât breathe and put my hands around Miyagiâs waist. As I pulled her body closer, Miyagi forced her lips apart.
ãWhy did you kiss me just now?ã
She said in a flat voice, and Miyagi pushed my body away from her.
ãBecause I wanted to.ã
ãThatâs it?ã
ãThatâs it.ã
Miyagi looks at me, but she looks dissatisfied, so I add,ãIf you need a reason, Iâll make one.ã
ãWhat (reasons) did you make?ã
ãHow about because Miyagi was so cute?ã
I smiled at her and she kicked me in the leg with quite a bit of force.
ãYou really need to stop kicking me.ã
Iâm glad I didnât tell her I liked her yesterday.
If I had said it, I donât know if Miyagi would still be here. Even if she had been there, it wouldâve been even more awkward than it is now, and I wouldnât have been able to kiss her or smile well.
ãItâs Sendai-sanâs fault for saying strange things.ã
ãCute doesnât mean weird, does it?ã
ãThen itâs Sendai-sanâs fault for saying something she didnât mean.ã
ãI think Miyagi is cute, and I mean it.ã
Then I reached for her hair and was kicked in the leg again. I pull Miyagiâs hand and take her to the table, as I know that if I keep saying how cute she is, I will end up with a blue bruise on my leg.
ãI made pizza toast, letâs eat it. Itâs getting cold.ã
Miyagi sits in place at the sound of my voice.
I sit in the chair, too, and we both sayãItadakimasuãtogether before biting into our pizza toast.
ãSendai-san does weird things, thatâs why the foodâs getting cold.ã
ãI just kissed you.ã
After a glass of orange juice, I bit into another piece of pizza toast. Miyagi is right that the pizza toast is past the point of being hot, but perhaps itâs because itâs the first time Iâve made it that it tastes good.
After taking another bite of the pizza toast and swallowing it down, Miyagi spoke in a reserved voice.
ãSendai-san, why are you so unconcerned?ã
ãUnconcerned?ã
ãâ¦Donât you feel embarrassed?ã
There are many things missing from the words that blurted out from Miyagiâs mouth, but I can tell that she refer to yesterdayâs events.
ãDid Miyagi run away from home the other day because you were embarrassed?ã
ãIâm the one asking the questions here, though.ã
I hear a slightly low voice and I decide to answer seriously.
ãI know itâs embarrassing, but I have nowhere else to go.ã
She touched my body, asked me questions that she wouldnât normally make, and even made me answer questions that I didnât have to answer. Miyagiâs voice was also different from her usual voice, but overall, I mustâve been more embarrassed than she was. When I think about what happened to me, I understand why Miyagi wanted to run away from me the other time.
But I want to stay with Miyagi even if I am embarrassed.
ãYou could at least have a friend who you could stay over.ã
ãMaybe, but Iâm more comfortable here. Would Miyagi have been better off without me?ã
ãThatâs not what I said.ã
ãThen you should look like youâre having a little more fun.ã
Iâm not going to tell her to smile or be sociable, but at least peel off the word âgrumpyâ that is stuck to her face.
ãIt doesnât matter what I look like.ã
ãI donât care what you look like, but I think youâll eat better if you look like youâre having a little fun.ã
I bite into a piece of pizza toast while looking at a grumpy Miyagi.
Miyagi does not look happy.
On the contrary, she looks down.
I open my mouth to complain about Miyagi being so uncooperative, but before I can speak, I hear a small voice from across.
ã⦠Iâd rather eat with two people than alone.ã
ãEh?ã
ãThe answer to your earlier question. Would you have preferred that I wasnât here? Hey, are you listening?ã
After saying this, Miyagi drank some orange juice.
ãAhh, yeah. I heard.ã
Itâs weird because Miyagi is suddenly so honest.
But now I think I can get the answer I wanted, so I ask her again what I asked her yesterday.
ãHey, Miyagi. Letâs go somewhere together during summer vacation.ã
Across to me, Miyagi looked up and saw me.
After just a few moments, I hear a quiet voice.
ãSendai-san would be the one who decides where to go.ã
ãAlright.ã
I answered shortly, and Miyagi bit into a piece of cold pizza toast.