I wake up and the earth is exploding.
Thatâs what I was thinking, but the earth is not going to explode. No, it might someday, but certainly not now.
There is no point in assuming that I will wake up, since I didnât sleep in the first place. If Iâm going to talk about such things, I need to sleep first.
Thatâs why, thatâs why.
I canât wait to go to sleep.
But I canât sleep.
Today has been a lousy day and I just want to sleep and forget everything.
I enjoy meeting with Maika.
But when Sendai-san is added to the mix, other feelings become greater than fun. I didnât expect today to be a fun day, but it turned out to be even worse than I had imagined.
A day like this is best left to sleep and forget about it, but an hour or two later, I still canât sleep. Iâve been lying in bed for a long while, but the sleepers are far away and my eyes are bright.
ãâ¦This is Sendai-sanâs fault.ã
I stare at the nightlight that dimly illuminates the room and sigh loudly.
Frustrating.
Very, and earnestly frustrating.
I shouldnât have said that.
ââI was jealous, why?
Sendai-san insisted that I say what I wanted to say, so a number of things popped into my head that I didnât have to think about, and I had to say what I didnât have to say. I think I sounded as if I had a deeper meaning because I got the vibe that I was reluctant to say it. I wasnât lying when I said I was jealous, but I didnât want to add more than words of meaning to that.
Anyone can be jealous.
The word doesnât mean much.
Itâs not worth overreacting to.
I only mention it because itâs not surprising that my roommate would be jealous and itâs not something Iâd want to keep hidden.
It wasnât anything special.
And yet, because I said it at a strange time, it sounded like I was exaggerating something trivial, something anyone would do.
All of it, all of it was Sendai-sanâs fault.
She has been pestering me so much that my head is spinning and I canât sleep.
I exhale a small breath and inhale slowly.
I take deep breaths as I lie on my bed and make an effort to let out all the extraneous thoughts in my head.
Jealousy is just a word that has the weight of an extension of a good or bad mood. It only bothers you because you care about it, and if you forget about it, it will become a meaningless thing in the past.
On the bed, where the orange light falls, I catch the stuffed animal that Sendai-san has taken the liberty of naming âRoroâ and pat it on the head.
ãGo into Sendai-sanâs dream and erase her memory.ã
I put the black cat by the wall and close my eyes, reminding myself that I asked for it.
I try to sleep, but I donât. I donât rely on the sleep demon, which I canât see a shadow or a shape, but I just keep closing my eyes and try to sleep by keeping the darkness locked in my eyelids. Still, without opening my eyes, I waited and waited, and waited for time to pass.
After tens of minutes, I donât know how many hours, I check my phone and see that not much time has passed. I closed my eyes again and looked at my phone after a while.
After repeating such a process many times, it was time to call it a morning without being able to sleep.
Opening the curtains, I see an uncluttered sky.
Itâs so covered with clouds that I canât see blue.
I sigh at the gray sky and lie down.
I try to kill time on the bed, but there is nothing to do. I had no choice but to raise myself up and gently open the door to see the common space.
No oneâs here.
I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and wash my face.
I go back to my room and change my clothes, then go to the common area again.
Sendai-san is not here.
I donât know when she will wake up, but I canât see her. I open the refrigerator, wondering if I should make breakfast for her as well. I heard a small click and turned around to see Sendai-san standing in front of the room.
ãâ¦Good morning.ã
After calling out, neither loudly nor quietly, I closed the refrigerator.
ãAh, yeah. Good morning.ã
A crisp greeting is returned.
ãDo you want breakfast?ã
ãNhnâ I donât think I need it.ã
ãWhy? You always eat breakfast.ã
ãWell, thatâs true, butâ¦ã
Sendai-san laughs vaguely as she stands in front of the room. Normally she would come up to me on her own without calling me, but today she doesnât come up to me.
Apparently, Roro didnât do the job I asked her to do.
ãAre you sick?ã
She has sleepy eyes, but her complexion is not bad. She is dressed in a large pullover and skirt, rather than the sweatshirt she wears instead of pajamas. Still, I asked her in passing, and she replied,ãItâs not bad.ãBut Sendai-san doesnât move from in front of the room. I decide to move instead, and leave the refrigerator.
ãMiyagi. Where are you going?ã
Before going to the front door, I am approached.
ãA walk.ã
ãA walk? Without a coat?ã
ãIs it bad?ã
ãWhat about breakfast?ã
ãSendai-san, you wonât eat, will you?ã
ãI wonât eat, but why are you not, Miyagi?ã
ãI donât need it.ã
I donât enjoy eating alone. I donât want to go for a walk, but I donât want to stay here with the distant Sendai-san.
ãIt looks like itâs going to rain, though.ã
ãI donât mind if it falls.ã
I know this without being told, because the window I saw in my room was covered with gray clouds.
ãYouâll catch a cold. If youâre going to go for a walk, why donât you do it on a nicer day?ã
ãIâm not like Sendai-san, I wonât catch cold.ã
However, I think it would be better to wear a coat.
Even though itâs almost March, itâs not warm enough.
ãâ¦Iâll bring my coat, just in case.ã
As I was about to return to my room after saying a few words for a walk I didnât really want to take, my eyes met those of Sendai-san.
ãMiyagi.ã
I hear a small voice and Sendai-san takes a step closer to me.
But her footsteps soon stop.
Today Sendai-san is more languid than the sky, which shows no blue.
Sheâs not interesting like this.
I get close enough to Sendai-san to reach out my hand and look at her neck.
The mark I made yesterday remains clearly in the corner of my eye
It was really, frustrating.
I think I would have liked to have kept it hidden today.
When I look at it, it reminds me of myself yesterday.
ãI can see it, is that okay?ã
Without saying what, I touch the mark I made yesterday.
ãItâs fine. I only have those of Miyagi.ã
ãYouâre not going anywhere today?ã
ãAre you really going to go for a walk, Miyagi?ã
The question was answered with a question, and I kicked Sendai-sanâs leg. Then, looking away from the clear mark, I heard a voice as I was about to open the door to my room.
ãIâll go with you, Iâll bring my coat.ã
ãEven though itâs going to rain?ã
I donât want to go with Sendai-san, who doesnât approach me herself to see what I donât like.
ãIâll bring an umbrella.ã
ãYour neck, donât you have to cover it up?ã
ãIf Miyagi wants me to hide it, Iâll hide it.ã
ãWhat if I told you not to hide it?ã
ãIâm going to keep it as it is.ã
Sendai-san lies all the time.
She would never accept my words,ãDonât hide it.ãShe must have changed into turtleneck clothes while fetching her coat, so the mark I made mustâve been out of sight when she came out of her room.
I would like her to hide the mark today but if she tell me not to hide it and she hide it, that would make me angry.
I stand in front of Sendai-san, not in my room.
I trace the mark with my fingertips and bites down on her neck.
Bury my teeth into the neck hard and firmly enough to leave an indelible mark for the rest of her life. The sweet smell of her well-groomed hair. It should smell the same as mine, but it feels different.
I grab Sendai-sanâs clothes and pulls her closer.
I grit my teeth hard against the soft flesh with the intention of ripping the skin to keep up with the sweet scent that has become stronger.
I usually bite her so hard that she says it hurts, but Sendai-san doesnât say anything. Instead, her fingers are digging into my arm.
I stepped on Sendai-sanâs foot and removed my lips from her neck.
ãIf it hurts, just say it hurts⦠Whatâs up with you, today?ã
ãNot that thereâs anything to be said for it.ã
ãIf thereâs nothing going on, just act normal.ã
ãâ¦Iâm acting just normal.ã
ãYou didnât. Somethingâs wrong⦠Youâre acting like I said something great at yesterday.ã
Seeing Sendai-san in a different light, I suspect that she took my words, which she didnât have to say, more seriously than necessary and added a deeper meaning to them.
ãEh, becauseâ¦ã
ãToday, as well, you say, âEh?â I didnât say anything serious, just act normal. Itâs annoying when you act weird.ã
ãSorry. What should I do?ã
ãIâm not going for a walk, so make me meal. I donât want to cook today.ã
ãOkay.ã
ãThen weâll eat together, and then you can do whatever you want.ã
As always.
If I can just go about my day the same way as usual, thatâs all that matters. If I do that, yesterday will be nothing. From now on, if I am ever jealous of Maika or of any of her tutoring students, I will not tell Sendai-san about it.
ãLike what? Like go out together or something?ã
ãIf only Sendai-san can go.ã
ãYouâre not going anywhere, Miyagi?ã
ãI wonât go. Iâm also not going to see a movie with you, Sendai-san. Iâll be alone in my room today. Please donât come in, Sendai-san.ã
Iâll nail her before she gets carried away.
ãWhat about breakfast, lunch and dinner?ã
ãWeâll eat togetherã
ãOkayââ what about a kiss?ã
ãYou donât have to.ã
ãMiyagi wants me to be normal, right?ã
ãYes, butâ¦ã
Indeed, kissing is no longer uncommon.
But when did kissing become normal?
I donât know.
When I realized it, this had become something normal to do.
ãMiyagi.ã
As if interrupting my thoughts, Sendai-sanâs fingertips touch my lips. Then, before I could close my eyes, she closed my lips.