ãI didnât know your room was like this.ã
Maika makes a curious sound as she spreads her notebook on the table.
ãIt is my room.ã
I answered as if it were obvious, but her sense of discomfort was correct. The room was slightly different from the one time Maika had come to visit in the past.
The tables are getting bigger and stuff is growing.
It is the third day of winter break, and Maika is strangely sharp today.
ãSpeaking of which, whereâs the fan heater? Didnât you say you got one last year?ã
Maika mentions the name of something that was in the room until earlier this year and is no longer there.
I wonder how she remembers it.
I did talk to Maika about it last year.
ãIâm not using it right now.ã
I havenât taken the fan heater out this winter as I put it away. It has been active ever since I got it, but it is scheduled to end up not being used. It was not for Sendai-san, who always looks hot, but I didnât bother to take it out because I thought I could survive the winter with just an air conditioner.
ãIf itâs cold, want me to turn up the temperature?ã
I asked as I reached for the remote control for the air conditioner, and Maika, sitting across from me, replies, ãItâs fine.ã
I was supposed to study at Maikaâs house today, but my plans changed easily and she is now in my room. The study group was to be held in her room, as relatives arrived unexpectedly and apparently her mother had been kicked her out of the house.
I was reluctant to let Maika into this room where traces of Sendai remained, but if I told her that I would never let her in, she would only distrust me.
ãSince when Shiori became a cat lover?ã
Maika looks at the bookshelf, seemingly unwilling to study despite the study materials on the table. In her line of sight, a stuffed black cat, whose fixed place is by a pillow, is relaxing.
It was moved to a bookshelf before Maika arrived, and it looks as if it likes its temporary home as well, as if it has been there forever.
ãItâs nothing.ã
ãI guess. Did you get it?ã
ãI bought it myself. A friend of that, in case youâre wondering.ã
I point to the crocodile on the side of the table.
ãOf this?ã
Maika slyly pulls the crocodile, the guardian deity of the tissue box.
ãYes.ã
ãThat stuffed animal is cute, and I can see why youâd want to buy it, but a friend of thisâ¦ã
Maika says, popping the crocodileâs head.
ãItâs lonely when it was alone.ã
I got up on my knees and retrieved the alligator from across the table. Then I put it under the table.
ãShiori, did something happen?ã
ãWhy you ask?ã
ãWhy I ask? We havenât been together since third year. You said you were busy during the summer vacation and hardly saw you.ã
When she said this, I made a deliberately sultry face.
ãMaika said she was busy with cram school during summer vacation, right?ã
ãYes, but I was wondering if there was something to it.ã
ãItâs Maika who has something, isnât it? You said you had something you wanted to talk to me about. What is it?ã
Letâs study it together.
Thatâs what Maika wrote in the message she sent me last night. However, there was an additional sentence,ãI also have something I want to talk to you about,ãso I think the main topic was more about âtalkingâ than studying.
Considering that Maika, who said she was busy with cram school even during the winter break, even made up a reason to see me, one would expect it to be of some importance.
ãAhâ yeah. Yes. I have something.ã
Somehow, itâs not crisp.
Looking at Maika, it doesnât seem like a very good story, and it depresses me.
ãCan I apologize first?ã
ãâ¦Is the story bad enough to make you want to apologize?ã
ãI donât know, but I feel like I should apologize. Thatâs why, Iâm sorry.ã
Itâs not the kind of talk you want to go out of your way to make an excuse for a study session, and itâs not the kind of talk you want to hear if it makes you want to apologize even more, but I canât help but ask, so I urge onward with,ãSo?ãBecause I canât help but ask.
ãYouâve heard this before, but Shiori, are you close with Sendai-san?ã
ãâ¦Weâre not that close, but was the talk about that?ã
Maikaâs story should not have gotten to the point yet.
But the story that started as a preamble is already the worst of the worst, and it makes me want to hold my head in my hands.
Sendai-san is the last thing I want to hear, and the last thing I want to say.
ãYeah, well, I guess itâs like that.ã
Maika responds vaguely and drinks the cider.
Then, she let out a small exhale and slowly began to speak.
ãI told you that I talked to Sendai-san on the way to the canteen the other day. Shiori, I know you were concerned about what happened then, so I thought Iâd let you know.ã
The day in November when Sendai-san hugged me in the music preparation room.
Maika told me that she bumped into Sendai-san in the hallway, which led to a brief conversation.
I remember that day well.
I asked Maika what she had talked about with Sendai-san. At that time, Maika told me that she did not have much to say to me, but the fact that she is telling me now means that there is something that she has been hiding from me.
I have a bad feeling about this.
ãWhat is it that you need to tell me?ã
ãThat time we talked about college and I told her where you wanted to go. Then Sendai-san told me, and I told her about Shiori, too, since we found out that the universities we were applying to were close to each other.ã
ãEh? You said you talkedâ¦ã
ãIâm sorry, I told Sendai-san that Shiori is applying to the same university as me. Should I not have told her after all?ã
Maika says with an apologetic look on her face.
ãââItâs nothing. Thatâs nothing to apologize for. Itâs not like me and Sendai-san are close just because we had something to talk about. I said I wouldnât get mad at you for talking about college.ã
Itâs a lie.
Iâm not angry, but there is no ânothingâ to be angry about.
Of course it was better not to say it.
I was so upset that my temples hurt.
No one knows what kind of relationship I have with Sendai-san.
Of course, even Maika doesnât know.
So there is no need to rush or panic. It is more suspicious to be in a hurry or in a panic. Just pass it off like itâs nothing, and thatâs the end of the story.
And yet, I talk too fast and it comes off as an unnatural excuse. Perhaps that is why I feel that Maika is looking at me as if she were looking at a suspicious person.
ãBut anyway, why are you suddenly ready to talk about it if youâve been so silent all this time?ã
ãI thought I didnât have to say anything, but at the time Sendai-san was asking a lot of questions about Shiori, and Shiori has been acting strangely lately. I thought a lot about that. So I thought it would be better to talk about it somehow. Besides, I had a feeling that Shiori and Sendai-san seemed to get along well.ã
I had a feeling, I said, but Maikaâs tone was close to doubting my words. Perhaps it was the sense of guilt inside me, but I felt as if my throat was being squeezed tight, and I almost stopped breathing.
ãI know I keep saying this, but I donât get along with Sendai-san, and the reason she asked about me wasnât because she didnât have anything else to say.ã
I look at Maika and speak, reminding her to calm down.
ãMaybe so. You two are reallyââã
Maika was about to say something.
But he swallowed the words that were about to come out of hee mouth, perhaps feeling guilty for having kept something from me, and said,ãSomehow, Iâm sorry.ã
ãItâs time to start studying. Maika, teach me about here.ã
Normally, I would say, âIf youâre about to say something, you should finish it,â or âItâs not nice if you stop mid-sentence,â to get Maika to say what she had just broken off. But today I wonât try to pull out the words that have been swallowed.
I will pretend those words never existed and show Maika the problem book I have spread out on the table. She looks like she has questions too, but she doesnât pursue them. Perhaps my reluctance to talk any further was apparent,ãWhere?ãand looked down at the problem book.
Maika is kind.
I always take advantage of her kindness, and today I was saved by her not asking me more than necessary. And I am now thinking only of Sendai-san in front of such Maika.
I know Iâm doing a terrible thing for studying with her, but I canât stop thinking about what I just heard.
Sendai-san knows which school I want to go to.
There is no way I can remain calm after hearing such a thing.
I kept the school of my choice a secret for a long time.
I never told her.
Sendai-san knew.
The day she hugged me in the music preparation room, that day, she knew everything.
Maikaâs voice seems distant.
I can hear her, but I canât quite make out what she is saying.
There were times when I thought that perhaps Sendai-san might know. Still, I told myself that it was just a maybe and that there was no way she knew.
And yet.
I ended up continuing my studies in the air above me, and Maika had to leave earlier than planned.
I remember that we rode the elevator together and I walked her out of the apartment. But what we talked about is vague.
I am alone in my room, sitting on my bed.
I realized that it was past eight oâclock, but not too late to make a phone call.
After a little hesitation, I called Sendai-san and heard two rings and a voice that sounded surprised.
ãHow unusual. I canât believe Miyagi called.ã
I want to ask her something.
So I called.
She knew what school I wanted to go to and why she wanted me to tell her what school I wanted to go to.
She knew what school I wanted to go to, but why she led me to apply to the same or nearby universities.
Thatâs what I want to know.
Now Iâm angry because I can only assume she was amused by my reaction. If she had a different reason, Iâd like to hear it, and Iâd like her to reject the idea that I was just trying to be funny.
But I donât think I can ask well over the phone.
ãSendai-san, come and teach me how to study. Now.ã
ãEven if you say ânowâ. Iâm already home today. I canât.ã
I know that.
It is not too late to make a phone call, but it is getting late for a high school student to leave the house.
Still, I want her to come over now, and I want to talk to her face to face.
ãEven if you canât, come.ã
ãCanât it be done tomorrow?ã
ãThen you donât have to come.ã
ãIf Miyagi is willing to let me stay, I can go now.ã
ãEnough already. Iâm cutting out.ã
ãThis is the kind of joke you always make. Whatâs wrong with you today?ã
Probably because my voice was hard and the air was getting bad, so made a joke to try to soften this up. I understand thatâs what she meant, but I donât have time to laugh and answer her.
ãâ¦Sendai-san. Donât you have anything to say to me?ã
ãNot like I have one, but why? Whatâs going on?ã
Sendai-san, who has no idea what my words mean, says in his usual voice. Itâs natural that I donât know what to say, but Iâm irritated with her.
ãIf you donât have one, thatâs okay. You donât have to come to my house for winter break.ã
When I said it in an eight-sided tone, Sendai-san sounded troubled.
ãHold on for a second? Iâm going to come now.ã
I know itâs not justified anger, but I am extremely angry right now. But I want to see Sendai-san right now. And I am angry at myself.
ãâ¦Tomorrowâs fine.ã
ãReally, whatâs wrong with you?ã
ãThereâs nothing wrong with me. If you have prep school, you can come tomorrow after youâre done, I promise.ã
ãIâm on my way, just wait for me.ã
Sendai-san says in a gentler voice than I expected.
ãI told you tomorrowâs alright now.ã
I tried to speak as quietly and calmly as possible, and Sendai-san said,ãOkay. Itâs a promise.ã