If you donât like being home alone, come visit me.
Sendai-san said such a thing to me, so I went to her part-time job, but when I came back, I was still alone. Sendai-san hasnât come back even after waiting for an hour or two, and since I was with Maika earlier, I feel even lonelier alone.
ãItâs the same as if you went out to play.ã
On the bed, I throw the stuffed black cat in my hand toward the door and stop. The black cat is innocent. The only one to blame is Sendai-san for not coming home earlier. I feel like hitting the stuffed animal because she puts in a part-time job on Sundays.
I lay down and put the black cat on my stomach.
I am not overeating, nor am I too hungry, but I donât feel refreshed. Iâm feeling foggy and irritable.
Sendai-san, who was on this bed yesterday, is not here.
Her body temperature and smell are only mine, and now I donât even have a piece of her.
Itâs just that small thing, such a small thing, that makes Sunday seem like the worst thing ever.
I knew I shouldnât have gone to her part-time job.
I am wondering what kind of person the college senior who she was talking to me in a friendly manner is like.
I wonder what kind of people the people at the store who were smiling with her are like.
One or two things that bother me, like what kind of things they talked about, or whether they met outside of that café, or other silly things that bother me, get attached to each other, and the things that bother me become bigger things. I also wonder what Sendai-san looks like working part-time except today, and how she looked at me like I was one of many.
Sigh, exhale, and tug on the black catâs tail.
Sendai-san irritates me, with or without her here.
I cover myself with a comforter and close my eyes.
Still unable to get Sendai-san out of my mind, I curl up into a small ball. After spending five or ten minutes in the darkness I made on the bed, I hear a tapping of small sounds.
ãIâm home.ã
Sendai-sanâs voice follows the sound of banging on the door.
I slowly raise myself up and get off the bed.
After putting the black cat back on the bookshelf and exhaling, I opened the door and said in a small voice,ãWelcome home,ãSendai-san smiled at me.
ãIâll drink orange juice. Do you want something too?ã
ãYes.ã
.
ãWhat do you want?ã
ãThe same as Sendai-san.ã
ãAre you coming this way? Or do you want me to bring it over there?ã
ãBring it to me.ã
ãOkay, Iâll be back in a minute.ã
With that, Sendai-san turns her back to me, so I slam the door shut. Within five minutes, there is another knock on the door, and I let Sendai-san in. Holding two glasses filled with orange juice, she placed them on the table and sat down next to me.
With the bed as a backdrop, we both sipped our orange juice side by side.
ãThe lipstick, did you take it off?ã
Sendai-san says in her usual, nonchalant voice.
ãI did.ã
ãIt looks good on you, though.ã
The soft voice doesnât know what itâs thinking.
I put down my glass of half-drunk orange juice and look at Sendai-san. But she just smiles at me and I still donât know what sheâs thinking when I look at her.
ãI was glad Miyagi came today. If you donât want to come alone, just come back and play with Utsunomiya like you did today.ã
ãI only went with Maika to the place where Sendai-san works because she wanted to see it, and Iâm not going there anymore. Besides, the school festival is coming up soon, and your part-time job is over.ã
ãWell, yeah.ã
Sendai-san says in a light voice and drinks her orange juice.
Sendai-sanâs lips stick to the glass, the orange contents decrease, and her throat moves. I can only follow the orange juice so far, and from there it goes through somewhere I canât see.
A glass, one-third empty, is placed on the table. I wanted to touch the orange that I could no longer see, so I stopped, reaching down to touch Sendai-sanâs throat, just between her collarbone and such.
ãAnyway, about the school festival, I donât think that was fair.ã
I grab Sendai-sanâs skirt and pulls it down.
ãWhat do you mean by not fair?ã
ãYou told Maika about the school festival instead of me because you thought she would ask you to come.ã
ãThatâs right. I donât want to be told not to come.ã
As she said this, Sendai-san tries to touch my hand that is holding her skirt.
ãâ¦Itâs so honest and weird.ã
I retract my hand before she catches me.
ãIsnât that awful? I mean, honesty is usually a good thing.ã
ãItâs not pleasing me. Itâs weird to think that if youâre suddenly honest, thereâs something going on⦠What are you thinking?ã
ãWhat, I donât tell you that honestly, Miyagi wonât let me do anything. Thatâs all.ã
Sendai-san says quietly and turns his body toward me.
She stares at me so intently that I can no longer look at her and look away.
ãWhat do you mean by that?ã
When I blurted out the question, Sendai-san stroked my earring.
ãYou wonât let me kiss you, you wonât let me touch you. I donât like that.ã
The finger that stroked the piercing touches my lips.
Her body heat comes close and whispers in my ear.
ãI want to kiss you, Miyagi.ã
ãWeâre not talking about that right now.ã
I pushed Sendai-sanâs body to keep her body temperature away from me.
ãEven if we werenât talking about that, I just wanted to kiss you.ã
ãYou canât just say whatever you want.ã
ãIf Miyagi would tell me without you telling me, I wouldnât, but Miyagi wouldnât tell me.ã
ãI donât have to tell you that.ã
ãI knew you would say that. So Iâm telling you. Miyagi, let me kiss you.ã
Sendai-san says these things without hesitation.
I donât know how she can be so straightforward about her desires. She says it in a soft voice, as if it were natural, then grabs my arm and pulls me back. Even then, she doesnât go any further. She waits for my next words.
She rarely forces me to do anything.
ãMiyagi. Just say, okay.ã
She says with just a little bit of pain, and Sendai-san puts a lot of pressure on the hand that holds my arm. I peel off the hand and look at her.
ãItâs not the kissing I want.ã
ãWhat do you want?ã
ãLet me make sure.ã
I tug at the knit that wraps around Sendai-sanâs upper body.
ãâ¦What is?ã
ãThe marks I made yesterday. To see if itâs gone.ã
Red marks covering her upper body.
It covers her even when sheâs the Sendai-san I donât know, something that her senioir at the university and her part-time job cannot know.
Something that only I know, even though Sendai-san is unknown to me.
Even now that her part-time job is over, I want to make sure itâs still there.
ãYouâre not slowing down enough to punish me, though, are you?ã
ãItâs not a punishment, so if you donât like it, donât watch it.ã
When I told her so, Sendai-san said,ãDo as you please.ã