Show me youâre doing it alone.
I think Sendai-san would have really done it if I kept ordering her to do it like that, but I really donât want her to do it in front of me.
Generally speaking, I didnât want to actually see her doing it.
The Sendai-san I wanted is the Sendai-san who resists when she doesnât want to, or gets in trouble when she canât, so I donât know what to do when she honestly says she will do it alone.
ãMiyagi.ã
Sendai-san, holding a penguin, calls me in a small voice.
I have no more use for this room, since I have used the âright to order Sendai-san aroundâ that I got at New Yearâs. Thatâs why, I should go back to my room. If I stay here, Iâm sure Iâll say something unnecessary and Iâm sure I will. I know, but I canât move.
On the bed, a stuffed penguin flaps its wings.
To be precise, Sendai-san is flapping the penguinâs hands, or rather, its wings.
ãAre you sure you donât want to?ã
When I repliedãI donât,ãto the voice that descended from the bed, a penguin flew toward me and I hurriedly caught it.
ãThatâs dangerous.ã
I complain while placing the penguin next to the platypus, but there is no reply. Instead, she quietly got off the bed and sat down next to me. Without a word of refusal, our hands lay on top of each other, and our faces come closer as a matter of course, and I press her shoulder.
ãSendai-san, I donât want to.ã
ãItâs fine to at least kiss me.ã
ãItâs not fine. Youâll definitely do something weird.ã
I peel off the hand that touches my neck and glares at Sendai-san.
ãItâs your fault for giving strange orders, Miyagi.ã
ãEven if it was a strange order, I said you donât have to do it anymore, so that was the end of it.ã
ãYou say that like youâre asking me out, and thatâs what youâre doing.ã
ãI didnât ask you out. I just gave you orders.ã
ãEven if Miyagi thinks so, I donât.ã
Sendai-sanâs fingertips touch my lips and slowly stroke them as if chasing after the voice that doesnât hide her frustration I hear. I bristled hard against her fingertips as her fingers traced my lips to make sure I was using the new lip she had chosen.
ãOuch.ã
ãYou did something weird and I made it hurt.ã
I released her bitten finger and popped Sendai-san with the penguin.
ãReally, Miyagi is terrible. You wear me kissmarks and give weird orders, but then you stop halfway and immediately throw me out. You should take some responsibility once in a while.ã
ãWhat responsibility?ã
ãLetâs make a new promise.ã
I hear Sendai-sanâs voice in my ear.
The breath that blows on me tickles, and I squeeze my own hand.
I immediately understood what she was talking about.
So, my consciousness went to Christmas.
The day we went out together, had dinner, and got a penguin in a crane game. ââI kept the promise I made to Sendai-san.
A pleasant, fluffy memory of Sendai-san being very close to me. It wasnât an event I wanted to forget, but I deliberately let it sink to the bottom of my memory because it was something I shouldnât actively recall.
Not good.
Itâs not good to make promises like that over and over again.
ãâ¦I donât want to.ã
When I gave a small answer, questions came flying in as if they had been prepared from the beginning.
ãThen tell me, you donât have to promise. Did you dream a lot about me in that bed you made with me, Miyagi? Donât you ever do it alone or feel like doing it?ã
ãThatâs strange. I have the right to give orders, not you, Sendai-san.ã
ãI thought we were done with that order time?ã
ãEven if itâs over, Sendai-san doesnât have the right to ask questions.ã
ãSo youâre not telling me youâre doing it?ã
Sendai-san says things she would not normally say.
I didnât want to see her with these cracks in her reasoning.
ãI havenât, and I donât want to. Because Iâm not like you, Sendai-san. Iâm going back to my room now, so get away from me.ã
I decide to get out of this place before her reason shatters. But before I can get up, she grabs my arm.
ãDo the same thing I did. When you get back to your room, do it yourself and let me know how it went tomorrow morning.ã
ãYou pervert, Sendai-san.ã
ãItâs fine. You can tell me.ã
ãThen tell me, Sendai-san. When Iâm gone from here, will you do it here alone?ã
ãâ¦That, do you really want to know?ã
Something I donât understand.
I shake off Sendai-sanâs hand, knowing from the earnestness of her voice that Iâm about to step on something I shouldnât step on.
ãYou need to step away a little more. This is not what I wanted to talk about.ã
ãSo, what do you want to talk about?ã
Her voice is not gentle, but itâs not angry either.
It was flat, matter-of-fact, and a little heartbreaking.
ãâ¦Sendai-san, sit over there.ã
I point across the table.
ãWhy? If you have something to say, you can say it here.ã
Apparently she has no intention of moving. If so, all I had to do was move over,and I would tell her thatã I would sit over there,ãthen go and sit across from her with a tissue-growing platypus. I then placed three cat chopstick rests, which I had placed on the edge of the table, facing Sendai-san.
ãWhich one is your favorite? Answer me seriously.ã
White cat, brown stripe, and hachiware.
Three cats stare at Sendai-san.
ãWhat about you, Miyagi?ã
Sendai-san was holding a penguin on the floor and asked me a question just as I thought she would, to which I replied,ãthe black cat,ãwhich we donât have here.
ãIsnât that unfair? If thatâs allowed, itâs a tortoiseshell cat.ã
ãYou really like Mike-chan.ã
ãDo you hate Mike-chan, Miyagi?ã
ãUsually.ã
I neither like nor dislike tortoiseshell cats.
They are just remembered as Sendai-sanâs favorite cats.
ãSo, Miyagi. What kind of game is this?ã
ãItâs not a game. Question. â¦You didnât like the order I just gave you?ã
ãI donât mind being ordered around by you, Miyagi.ã
ãEven with those orders?ã
ãAny orders you want.ã
Sendai-san is strange.
Something is wrong with Sendai-san.
But I have seen her like that for a long time, and my life with her is something I cannot let go of. And I would like to know Sendai-san who is not shown by such Sendai-san.
The Sendai-san I see in my eyes alone doesnât make her the real her. I want to fill in the missing pieces and increase my own personal Sendai-san. Even if Sendai-san went even crazier, even if she did something wrong, I would still want Sendai-san to not try to show it.
I squeeze the little hand of the platypus.
ãSendai-san.ã
ãWhat is it?ã
ãThe zoo, the shoebill was so cute. It was cold, but Iâm glad I went.ã
ãWhatâs wrong all of a sudden?ã
ãI promised before that I would tell you about the fun I had. Also, I think Iâve kept my promise to talk nonsense. So, Sendai-san, if you really donât like it, just say you donât like it.ã
I tell her what I have to say all at once and let go of the platypusâ hand.
ãDoes that mean I should tell you if there is an order I absolutely donât want to do?ã
ãI wonât just give you orders, tell me you donât like it when youâre with me. Also, tell me what you really like. And donât just say you like it.ã
ãWhatâs that? Whatâs the purpose?ã
Saying in a probing voice, Sendai-san places the hachiware on the chopstick rest of the brown stripes.
ãI just want to know about you, Sendai-san.ã
ãWhy do you suddenly want to know about me?ã
A white cat is placed on top of a hachiware, and the resulting chopstick tower is quickly collapsed. Then another cat was stacked, collapsed, and rearranged on the table, and Sendai-san looked at me in silence as if urging me on.
ãâ¦Because Iâm interested on you.ã
When I blurted out the answer, I heard a surprised voice say,ãEh!?ã
.
ãââMiyagi, are you having a fever?ã
ãI have no fever. Shouldnât I be interested in you, Sendai-san? We live together, and itâs normal to ask what we like and what we donât like. So, if I ask you, you should answer me properly.ã
No reply.
The room is quiet, and I think I can hear the sound of the air flowing. Sendai-san stares at the cats on the chopstick rest without opening her mouth.
I pulled two pieces of tissue from the platypus, balled them up, and threw them toward the other side. The small white ball hit Sendai-san on the head and fell to the floor.
ãâ¦Iâll make sure youâre satisfied as much as possible, Miyagi.ã
Sendai-san says in a muffled, indistinct voice, perhaps turned on by the tissue.
ãIsnât that answer strange?ã
ãBecause there is really nothing I donât like about being with you, Miyagi. And itâs also true that I like the same things as you, Miyagi.ã
ãThen make what you donât like and what you do like.ã
ãEven if I was told to make one⦠Ah, if I donât like it, there was one thing I didnât like.ã
ãWhat?ã
ãI donât want Miyagi to tell me to stay away.ã
ãWhy?ã
ãBecause itâs more fun to be near you.ã
ãSendai-san, you lie so easily.ã
ãIâm not lying. Can I come closer?ã
When I didnât respond to her soft voice, Sendai-san approached me on her own accord. Then she sat down next to me and kissed my earrings.