Snap, snap.
I hear the sound of the shutter repeatedly.
It is the sound of Sendai-san taking pictures, and she continues to save the shoebill to her phone with a serious face.
ãAre you getting good shots?ã
When I asked Sendai-san, who was trying to keep her promise toãtake lots of pictures of the shoebill and give them to Miyagi,ãshe stopped tapping the shutter button and looked at me.
ãOf course. Iâll give you lots of pictures of the shoebill later.ã
ãThank you⦠Sendai-san, do you think the shoebill were cute?ã
ãI think. This pal looks scary, but it seems charming.ã
Really?
I stare at Sendai-sanâs face, but I cannot tell if her words are coming from her heart. Her feelings are vague, as if behind a fog, and I cannot see them clearly.
ãDid you like the shoebill, Miyagi?ã
ãYeah. Theyâre cute.ã
ãThatâs good, then.ã
A brilliant smile is directed at me.
Her ponytail, which shows off the blue stones, complements her bright smile. Her hair looks more appropriate for summer than winter, but when she wears it, the season doesnât seem to matter at all. It makes me want to leave her ponytail on my phone, swaying in the freezing wind.
I think itâs cunning of her to have even winter on her side.
ãSendai-san, how many pictures are you going to take?ã
I canât look straight at Sendai-san, so I remove my gaze. I take one crisp picture of the civet and tuck my phone into my pocket.
ãUntil youâre satisfied, Miyagi.ã
ãOkay, thatâs enough then. Iâve taken my own pictures. Isnât there anything you want to shoot, Sendai-san?ã
As soon as she finished, I heard a cracking sound, and I said,ãNo, not that,ãand flicked her arm as she was taking my picture.
ãThat being said, thereâs nothing else I want to shoot.ã
ãThen you should be taking pictures of the shoebill.ã
ãYou just said that was enough.ã
ãI take back my previous statement. Use your phone only for the shoebill.ã
I catch Sendai-san by the arm and point my phone toward the shoebill. She took one photo as if she had no choice, and immediately turned her phone toward me.
ãLook over there.ã
I glanced at Sendai-sanâs phone and pointed at the shoebill.
ãIâm looking there.ã
ãNo, youâre not. Your phone is facing this way.ã
ãYouâre stingy, Miyagi.ã
Sighing exaggeratedly, Sendai-san turns to the shoebill. I too look at the large bird, the hairs on the back of its head standing up loosely.
The shoebill spreads its wings with a flourish.
Sendai-san says in a small voice,ãAh!ãand I know that we are indeed looking at the same thing, but it doesnât seem like we are looking at the same thing.
It is as if we are seeing the same thing but different things.
That kind of thing has been with me ever since I came to the zoo.
ãSendai-san.ã
ãWhat?ã
What is your favorite animal?
Are you having fun today?
This isnât a good time to ask this.
Sendai-san is only saying bland things.
Then.
If so.
ââTell me how you really feel, Sendai-san.
I could make her swear on my piercing and have her answer, but probably not. Itâs wrong to use her earrings to make her speak her mind.
ãâ¦The shoebill, theyâre adorable.ã
I swallowed what I wanted to ask and gave my not-so-interesting impression.
I exhale and put my hand on the plumeria earrings. I lightly stroked the small flower and then tried to hide the earrings with my hair, but Sendai-san grabbed my arm.
ãTheyâre cute, just leave it at that.ã
ãTheyâre not cute.ã
I answer in a low voice to Sendai-san, who is staring at me.
ãI think the earrings look good on you and I think you look cute.ã
ãShut up, Sendai-san.ã
ãItâs alright. Iâd even say youâre cute.ã
I sigh at Sendai-san, who smiles at me.
She never tells me what is important, she just says unnecessary things.
ãMy hand, let go.ã
ãCan you leave my ears where they are?ã
ãLet go of me, so I can do it.ã
ãGot it.ã
Sendai-sanâs hand leaves my arm with an open hand, and my arm is free.
Her ears, which have nothing to hide, are cold.
I shove my hands in my pockets and look at the grim-faced shoebill.
ãâ¦Sendai-san. Are you really having fun at the zoo?ã
Even when I try not to ask, I find myself saying the same things over and over again.
ãIâve always said that I was having fun.ã
I get the answer I expected, and I exhale a small breath. Then I breathe in as much as I exhaled. Rough, undigestible material enters the body along with cold air, passes through the esophagus, accumulates in the stomach, and becomes painful.
ãâ¦Iâll keep asking it because it bothers me.ã
I answered in a blur and searched my memory.
What about the time we went to the aquarium?
That day was much like today. Although there were no shoebill, I saw seals and penguins with Sendai-san. But I think I was all about enjoying myself then and didnât think about Sendai-san as much as I do now. And rather than asking her if she was having fun, I wanted to hear the answer to the question Maika had asked when she came to visit,ãIs there anyone you like, Sendai-san?ãI wanted to hear the answer to that question.
In the end, though, I couldnât hear Sendai-sanâs true feelings at the aquarium.
I ended up being fooled into thinking that the person she liked was Mike-chan, the cat.
Sendai-san is difficult.
There are many things I donât understand, and I hate it.
I clench my hands in my pockets.
The tips of my fingers are terribly cold.
The weather is fine, but the wind is picking up and I get a little closer to Sendai-san.
Our shoulders lightly hit.
I canât feel her body heat because of her thick coat, but I can smell the same shampoo on my nose. No, maybe itâs just my imagination. Still, itâs a relief to find something in common with her today.
ãDonât worry, itâs all in good fun.ã
Sendai-san smiles and continues,ãShall we watch the crocodiles?ã
ãWhy crocodiles?ã
ãWhy was that? Because the tissue cover in Miyagiâs room is a crocodile.ã
ãAnd it just so happens that the tissue cover is a crocodile.ã
ãThen, you donât want to look?ã
ãâ¦Iâll look.ã
ãSince weâre here, letâs see the okapi and then the crocodile. The okapi is right there.ã
As she said this, Sendai-san started to walk away, and I reached into my pocket and caught her hand.
ãYou donât want to see the okapi?ã
Perhaps physical proximity is meaningless, but right now, closer is better than farther. It may melt away the uneasiness in the corner of my mind.
ãIâll look.ã
I take hold of the hand I grabbed and put my foot forward.
One step, two steps.
I walk as if dragging Sendai-san, who has a curious look on her face.
Our joined hands are cold, but if we hold them together, our body temperatures will eventually return, and I hope they will soon be as warm as usual. I need a body warmer and the only alternative is Sendai-san. Of course, she is not disposable like a warmer, but she should warm my cold hands. Gloves wonât warm my hands.
We see the okapi and go to the building where the crocodiles are. Itâs not as cold as outside because of the greenhouse, but I keep holding hands with Sendai-san.
ãSendai-san, tell me your favorite animal you saw today.ã
I tug on her hand, which are still held together, and ask her what I know she wonât answer if I ask. I know itâs not the right thing to ask, but today I canât help but ask.
ãWhat about you, Miyagi?ã
ãAnswer my question first, Sendai-san.ã
ãWhy donât you answer, Miyagi?ã
ãYou should answer, Sendai-san?ã
ãNhn. Isnât that the hardest thing to decide?ã
ãItâs not hard, just tell me whatâs your favorite.ã
I squeeze Sendai-sanâs hand, which is not simmering.
When I put enough force into her hand to make her want to say, âIt hurts,â though it wasnât strong enough to crush her bones, Sendai-san began to speak quietly.
ãI donât know if I can say that. Itâs not that much of an obsession, is it? What animal do you like the most?ã
ãSendai-san.ã
When I tried to release my hand, which she was holding tightly, she said in a flustered voice,ãOkay, okay. Iâll answer you.ã
When I look at Sendai-san, she is unusually wrinkling her brow and thinking seriously. Looking at her, I feel like Iâm doing something terrible, so I change my question.
ãIf you canât tell me your favorite animal, tell me one animal you saw today that you would like to see again.ã
ãAn animal Iâd like to see again?ã
ãYes.ã
ãNhn, letâs see⦠If I had to choose one, Iâd go with the shoebill.ã
ãIt sounds like a lie. Answer me properly.ã
ãThen, Miyagi, where you see the shoebill.ã
ãWhatâs that? Answer me seriously.ã
I stare at Sendai-san, in front of the crocodile who doesnât know what she is thinking.
ãNow that is serious. Iâm just saying, Iâd love to see Miyagi watching the shoebill again. Look, Miyagi doesnât go out with me much, right? So, you know, when we go out together, I want you to see what you wanted to see, and I want to see you looking at it, Miyagi.ã
I suppress the urge to kick Sendai-san in the leg as what sounds like an excuse rushes into my ears.
She doesnât seem to have anything she likes or wants to see.
What I like.
Where I want to go.
I thought Sendai-san, who cares about such things all the time, was concerned about me, but I donât think so.
Programs to suit me.
It seems like that kind of thing is built into her.
ãIâm not someone to be watched.ã
When I express my dissatisfaction in a small voice, Sendai-san says in a softer voice.
ãI know, but I want to see them. Show me Miyagi looking at the shoebill again.ã
ãYouâre faking it.ã
ãIâm not faking it.ã
ãâ¦Iâll ask you again which animal you like best or which one youâd like to see, and youâd better answer me then.ã
There is no point in continuing the push and pull.
The issue is not whether she was misguided or not, so Iâll give her some homework to follow up on.
ãIâll think about it.ã
ãItâs not something you need to think about.ã
Sendai-san is wrong.
What you like is not something you think about and prepare an answer for.
We leave the building where the crocodiles are and go outside.
The wind whistles and my shoulders shake.
ãMiyagi, itâs cold.ã
After saying this, Sendai-san let go of the hand she was holding and gently stroked my earring. She then pulled my hair back over my ears to hide the earrings, and without asking, slowly rewrapped the scarf that had been warming my neck.
ãItâs getting windy, should we leave now? Weâre close to the exit. Thereâs still some animals we havenât seen yet, so we can go back.ã
ãItâs alright. Weâre leaving. We can go again to the zoo.ã
I grab the end of the rewrapped scarf.
ãThe zoo, can we come back again?ã
ãYou said it earlier. You said youâd ask me what my favorite animal is or what Iâd like to see.ã
ãThat meant coming back to the zoo with me again.ã
ãIf you donât like it, fine.ã
ãI donât mind. Thereâs the aquarium, so I thought it would be okay. Are you sure?ã
ãâ¦We have time before we graduate from college.ã
Next time I want to know what she likes other than Mike-chan.
Since we will still be living together for a while, I would like to know at least one more thing she likes.
ãThat means weâre going to go both ways, right?ã
ãIâll let Sendai-san decide.ã
ãWell, letâs go both ways and go home for the day.ã
Sendai-san, who Iâm not sure if she really wants to go, smiles gently and shakes my hand.
Her hand is still cold, but not so cold that I want to let go.
She squeezes back the softly grasped hand.
Sendai-san began to walk slowly and we left the zoo.