I Didn’t Even Want to Live, But God Forced Me to Reincarnate!

“Hyaaa!”
As I dashed towards the moving targets, I tried swinging both hands—each with a different element attack. On my left, I used my Dark magic. On my right, I used my Ice magic.
As I swung my hands, both of the magic balls were flung towards different targets. Both hit the targets, but the damage that my Ice magic did was obviously more severe than the one with Dark magic.
“Ah…”
I didn’t even have the time to stop and sigh in disappointment, as I saw more targets rising up from behind. I quickly turned around and summoned both attacks again, this time on the opposite hands just to see how it would be. Dark magic on my right hand, and Ice magic on my left hand.
I was thinking that perhaps since I was using my dominant hand, whichever magic was on my dominant hand would be stronger, given that their compatibility was the same. My compatibility towards both Dark and Ice magic are equal.
But contrary to my expectations, I could still see that my Ice magic was better than my Dark magic.
“Alright, that’s it!”
Mom clapped her hand, and I let myself lie down on the ground to catch some breath.
“Aaah, why is it so hard?!” I yelled as I swung my hands up and down.
“But you’ve got an improvement, Lyra. That’s something you can be happy about,” Mom approached me and patted my head.
“Mm, but I still can’t balance both elements. They should be equal…,” I pouted in my disappointment.
“Haha, you’ll definitely get there eventually. It’s something progressive, not instant.”
“I know but I still feel like it’s not enough…”
I’ve tried several times but still failed to equally use both of them.
It might be because I started too late in my Dark magic training?
But all the hassles were supposed to be gone, so why?
“Even if you can’t make it perfect, you’re still doing great, Lyra,” Mom said.
“Uuuu…,” I still couldn’t accept it.
“Why do you want to reach perfection so much, Lyra? Nobody is expecting you to be perfect, you know?” Mom said as she caressed my forehead.
I guess I was still quite obsessed with being ‘perfect’ even until now and I couldn’t appreciate my progress if it wasn’t something significant or something I’d instantly be good at.
All my life, I grew up with having done things easily.
Swordsmanship ran in my blood as Reinst. I could easily learn etiquette.
And as Lyra, I had Reinst’s knowledge and could easily be good at my studies. I was also blessed with magic compatibility that my training started off easily.
I guess I hit my bottleneck now and started to feel frustrated?
“Objectively speaking, I see that you’re improving constantly. Sure, it’s bit by bit, but what matters is that you’re becoming better as time goes on,” Mom continued.
“Really?”
“Mhm. Today’s training is over. If I find you overdoing your training…,” Mom let her words hang in the air.
Uuuu… Back when I tried to overdo it, Mom found out and limited my time to access my Provice, then she didn’t let me train for some time.
Her reason made sense, though. If I overdid it too often, it might impede my growth instead and Mom wanted to prevent me from getting used to doing that.
“Got it Mom, thanks!”
It has been quite some time since I resolved all my past self’s strained relationships and I found myself performing better. My training was going better, and the negative emotions I often felt during dealing with Dark magic significantly vanished.
However, sometimes before I sleep, many thoughts still flooded my mind.
I was drawing blanks. I couldn’t find out a dream or passion, unlike my friends who had their own goals. For Luca, he wanted to become a good king. Kiri wanted to become an outstanding knight, taking over his father’s role. Even Iris had a dream of becoming a good alchemist.
Meanwhile, I hadn’t really thought about it myself.
And then…
As I tossed around in my sleep, Fenrir asked me what was wrong and so I told him everything that was on my mind.
“In time, you’ll know why,” He simply said.
“But I’m almost at the same age as myself in the past, when she died.”
“And so what? That’s still short. You still have a long time to live. You’ll eventually figure it out,” Fenrir said, “Even if you didn’t… Just remember that everything you experienced… It shaped the present you. And I’m sure you will learn to let go of the past even if some questions remain. And you’ll embrace the future soon.”
“Huh, really?” I asked in my disbelief. As per my curious nature, I didn’t think I could do that…
“Some things happen because of destiny that we can’t fathom. Only the higher beings understand the works of fate. Maybe when our journey ends, they will let us know why. So we just have to let things go and move on for the future,” Fenrir simply said.
“Hmm… Easier said than done.”
“I know. But we have to do that.”
I paused and then turned to look at Fenrir in the eyes and asked, “Did you do that too, Fenrir? I mean, letting the past go even if some things remain unanswered and then just… move on?”
“Yes.”
His answer was so precise and I could tell that he was telling me the truth.
Fenrir had lived a long life, way longer than me, and he had gone through so many things.
The joy of life and companionship, the change of hearts, betrayal from one’s trusted people… I guess he experienced both the bitterness and sweetness of life.
I’m sure the young Fenrir also had times when he asked why things turned out that way. When he first tasted his betrayal, for example…
Imagining the small Fenrir feeling broken, I hugged Fenrir.
“Thank you for letting go of the past and for wanting to stay with me, Fenrir,” I mumbled.
He was fed up with the world that he decided to live secluded in the forest to attain peace, before he met me and finally decided to try going with me, interacting with the world once again.
If he was still so hung up on the past, he wouldn’t even think about interacting with anyone ever again.
Fenrir didn’t say anything, but him brushing myself with his long and fluffy tail pretty much told me that he heard what I said.
***
Fast forward to a certain day’s dinner time with all my family members present…
“So, who will be going to the wedding?”
Mom suddenly asked.
Clueless, I just continued to munch my food as I looked at Mom.
Judging from the direction of her eyes, she was directing that question to Dad.
“Right. It’s a ducal family’s wedding so it’s important,” Dad nodded as he looked at Alt and asked, “Will you come, Alt?”
“Of course, Dad. I have to foster a good relationship,” Alt-nii said as if it was a matter of course.
Most of the noble weddings are arranged and not for the sake of love. Although many prefer to betroth their children at young age to foster love and relationship so by the time they get married, they will have at least a harmonious relationship as a spouse.
For such weddings, they typically will hold a big party to show off. Even the wedding ceremony and the exchange of vows that should be sacred will be big and as a venue to show off.
But there is a rise of noble marriages due to love. Broken engagements are on the rise for the same reason, too.
Due to such reasons, there are also noble weddings that are relatively small, especially if the situation is complicated. In some cases, they might have a private ceremony first and then hold a bigger reception.
In short, the circumstances to a noble’s wedding vary a lot more by now, and thus, there are some weddings that we don’t attend to.
Since I was still a child, I didn’t really attend lots of wedding parties so far. Only close and far away relatives and important people. My parents didn’t force me to come, too.
I sipped my soup as I wondered.
“Who’s getting married, Dad?” The curious Freyja asked.
“The current young duke of Grabberton, Dominick Robin,” Dad answered.
Hearing the unexpected name from Dad’s mouth almost caused me to spurt out the soup that was in my mouth, but thankfully I managed to hold it in.
After gulping it, I opened my mouth, “Ah, that Domi-san. With… who? Is it with Adel-san?” I asked, unsure. With how Domi didn’t seem to be particularly attached to Adel—at least from what I could observe so far… I was doubtful. The possibility of him ending up with someone else was still there.
“Yes. You’ve met his fiancée several times, haven’t you, Lyra?” Dad asked.
I nodded, “Adel-san is a good person. I like her.”
The ideal scenario would be Domi ending up with Adel and treating her with the love she deserves. Then together, they can create a warm family, at least warmer than what my past self’s family was like. It would be great if that can happen.
“Do you want to come too, Lyra?”
Unexpectedly, Dad asked me.
“I can?” I was caught off guard. I was still thinking whether or not I should ask to come along, but now the golden chance was given to me.
“If you want to,” Dad said.
“Mmmm…,” I pretended to think about it before finally saying, “Then, sure!”
With that, it was decided that I would tag along to Domi’s wedding ceremony and party.
It was quite unexpected that I would have another question answered soon.
That was, about Domi and Adel.
I sure hope I can see or read how things are between them during the most important event for the two of them—their wedding.