I Didn’t Even Want to Live, But God Forced Me to Reincarnate!
Author: LynneSuzuran
Chapter 150 â How Everyoneâs Doing
After that, Cyan, Cass, and Titus were off to their own work. Meanwhile, since I was still in this predicament, I was free from all work and was told to recuperate. With nothing to do, I decided to start looking for more information about the people I knew as Lyraâabout how they were doing. If that was the case, I should just go back to my room.
But when I passed by the library, I happened to catch a glimpse of the children there. For some reason, there was a strong feeling deep inside my heart, telling me to go there. Perhaps it was the mini Lyra inside me, worried for her siblings especially Altaire after what I heard from Cyan and Cass before.
I slowly approached them, not wanting to disturb their time together, but they still noticed my presence.
âMother, whatâs the matter?â Trevant was the first one to notice me and so he asked.
âItâs nothing. I just finished talking with the Hartmann familyâs parents and happened to pass by you all. I just want to see everyone,â I said.
Now, I could feel that everyoneâs eyes were on me. Altaire, Freyr, and Freyja stood up to greet me. While Freyr and Freyja might be less energetic than what I remembered them to be, the stark difference lied with Altaire. His presence attracted me the most, so I turned to look at him.
Since he was a bit too far away, I approached him to take a better look at himself. He just stood there, unmoving as he watched me approach himâ¦with his dull eyes. It ached my heart whenever I saw Altaire with this pair of dull eyes. The Altaire I knewâhis eyes were shining and full of hopes or positivity. But the Altaire in front of meâ¦
I finally arrived right in front of Altaire. He was shorter than me now, so he had to look up at me, while I looked down at him. This was something I never got to experience as Lyra. As Lyra, Altaire wasâ¦big, and he was strong. But when I looked at him like this, he wasâ¦small and seemingly frail. Yes, after all, he was a child while I was an adult. Though technically he should be thirteen this year, which made him legally an adultâ¦
I stared straight at his eyes. Yes, no âlightâ was reflected there. I could see a hint of despair inside his heterochromatic eyes. Altaireâ¦You were targeted by evil adults, traumatized, and thenâ¦
Without even realizing it, I already put my hand on his cheek. He seemed surprised and asked, âReinst-samaâ¦?â
Yet, I continued to stare at his eyes. My heart ached so much.
After what he had gone through in his childhood, all aloneâ¦He had to lose his very best friend, Clavis. He was the last person to see Clavisâ¦He was so close to bringing him home, yetâ¦Clavis was now nowhere to be found. Just how could Altaire be feeling right now? He must be so broken inside, mustnât he?
Freyr and Freyja were still young, although they were his siblings. He was still their elder brother, and as an elder brother, he had to be strongâ¦
Yesâ¦This Altaire in front of me had suffered so much and Iâ¦couldnât imagine how he must be feeling.
I didnât resist my urges inside as I quickly brought Altaire into a hug.
ââ¦!â Altaire was clearly surprised, yet he wasnât resisting.
I patted his back and his head alternatively.
âYou must have gone through a lotâ¦You are really, really strong. But itâs okay to be weak sometimesâ¦okay? You have your familyâ¦andâ¦Trevant,â I said.
Altaireâs body stiffened as he listened to my words. I hugged him for a bit more before letting go, and after I could see his face again, his eyes were redânot in colorâbut as if he was holding back his tears.
â¦
The mini Lyra in me ached all the more looking at Altaire like this. How I wish I were Lyra, how I wish I could cheer him up and be his supportâ¦
But if I were Lyra, things wouldnât have turned out like this in the end, huh?
ââ¦Thank you, Reinst-sama,â Altaire said with a slightly hoarse voice.
I smiled back at him.
âMother is right. We are friends, arenât we? Though Iâm younger than you, I hope you can rely on me too,â Trevant said.
âGot it,â Altaire replied.
Yet, I still couldnât see his true smile, though I have definitely seen it many times, over and over againâ¦in the right future.
After that, I returned to my room and opened my Provice. I already asked Titus-sama about how to access the information, so I hurriedly entered the right address, passwords, and so on. When the database appeared, I still proceeded to take a look about the Hartmann family first, as if what I heard before wasnât enough as a confirmation. Not all private data was written there, but huge incidents like what happened to Altaire were written. The thing about Clavisâ¦It wasnât written there, but when I looked about the list of missing people, I managed to gain access to Clavisâ information, like when he was last seen, and so on.
The date of the incidentsâfrom when Altaire was attacked in Chinosato and when Clavis was last seenâthough I only vaguely remembered it, perhaps they were close if not similar to the dates that happened in my life as Lyra. But the outcome was also different, for Iâfor Lyraâwas not there.
Then, I took the time to learn about my dadâs life history and it was really written there that Dad was actually the previous Duke Hartmannâs son with a maid, Firis. I also learned about Dadâs half-brother and stepmother from the record. I learned more about the Hartmann familyâs wrongdoings and felt more sympathy to my dad for having to live with such a distorted family for yearsâ¦Then, my dadâs contribution to ending the corrupt Hartmannâs legacy was written along with how he was made as the next duke. His achievementsâ¦I could never be prouder of you, Dad.
Momâs record was also full of her achievements, and I was really honored I could become the daughter of such amazing people.
I wonder what was happening to me? What happened to Lyraâto my body there? Could I be in a comatose andâ¦my family, would they be worried about me? Just you wait, your daughter is definitely going to return!!
Then, I went from them to look about Trevant and Titus-sama to satisfy my curiosity in the royal familyâs database. It was fun learning about this son I never had and I would never have. I then read about Titus-samaâs details, about how he worked together with my dad to end the Hartmannâs wrongdoings and how he had been actively working for the sake of the country even when he was just a crown prince. What took me by surprise was about how Titus-sama had gone to the area where the Schafer family was. Perhapsâ¦if only I wasnât here and somehow Shaula was still alive, they would have met at that time, fell in love, and the rest was history?
After I return, I should probably ask Luca about his parents, now that Iâm curious.
Just when I was about to move on to my other friends, there was a knock to my door. Trevant showed up after I let him in.
âWhatâs the matter, Trevant?â
âNothingâ¦Itâs justâ¦,â Trevant seemed to be hesitant to tell me what was the matter.
âHmm?â I urged him to tell me.
ââ¦Earlier, Mother, you wereâ¦to Altaireâ¦â
âAh, yeah, I just heard about what he had gone through and sympathized with him. Was it not something I should do?â When I thought about it, that might be the case! What a mistake I had committed?!
âNo, itâs fineâ¦I mean, I think it means a lot to himâ¦â
âYou think so? Iâm glad. Iâm also happy that youâre willing to be by his side.â
ââ¦Mother, why does it feel like Altaire were your son instead?â
âNo, I didnât mean that, of course youâre my son,â I tried my best to not stutter when declaring this. It was still a bit awkward for me, no matter how well I could lie.
ââ¦Oh. Iâm glad if you remember. Iâm just worriedâ¦â
It was at that time that an idea popped in my dense mind! If Trevant took after me, he would be wishing for his motherâs love the most and seeing his mother being affectionate to another childâ¦yes, he might be feeling uneasy or even jealous!
I decided to hug him and patted his head.
âSilly child,â I said gently.
Trevant then smiledâso far it was the âtruestâ smile I had seen in him after I first saw him.
âOh yeah, Trevant, donât you have your own close aide?â I asked when I remembered I could ask about Kiri from him, if he were still the crown princeâs aide.
âI do. His name is Kiri, heâs the adoptive son of the head of the royal knights. Weâre of the same age.â
As expected.
âHow is he doing?â
âThatâ¦,â Trevant cast his eyes downward.
Sure enough, Trevant continued, âKiri protected me from a kidnapping attempt that happened not too long ago, so heâs still recovering. That child is a scaredy cat from the very beginning, and it surprised me when he suddenly became brave to protect me.â
âIs he okay? Was he severely wounded?â
âThankfully, heâs fine. But itâs just that heâs quite scared of getting attacked again. His father has always been at a loss on how he should push Kiri so he can be braver. Heâs proud that Kiri did a good job in protecting me, but Kiriâs back at square one with his small courage nowâ¦â
âAh, so the head of the royal knight must be trying to train him again.â
âCorrect.â
â¦In the first place, Kiri was indeed a scaredy cat, butâ¦I wonder if the Kiri I knew now was like that?
â¦No, the Kiri ânowâ is much braver than he was, and he was likeâ¦it was as if he was determined to protect something precious to him. Was it Lucaâ¦? No, Luca is definitely strong, he might as well need no protection. Lucaâs more confident and cocky than Trevant, so it was less likely Kiri was moved in order to protect him. Thenâ¦
Leticiaâs childish voice resounded in my mind.
â¦
The small exchange between Leticia and Kiri that I once heard. Could it be that Leti was Kiriâs source of strength and courage? Leti was definitely a figure to be protected. Yes. This explained Kiriâs differencesâ¦
In the end, I talked with Trevant about a lot of stuff before we ate dinner together. From him, I found out that Carbuncle the dragon had indeed visited the Harmonia Academy. However, for some reason, nothing caught her eyes and so she left to roam around the continent on her own, stopping here and there. It was unknown if she was still in Riviera as of now, or if she had left for another countryâ¦
I somehow was able to probe about Iris from Trevant, for he was enrolled to the special class too. Iris still enrolled in the special class of Harmonia academy, but she was a loner and had no close friends. Just Harvey, her childhood friend who happened to be Altaireâs friend. That was how Trevant was acquainted with her.
This semester, her scores were bad that she was almost taken out of the special class, but Trevant had helped her, so it was all safe. Trevant wasnât close with her, but since she was his friendâs friend of friend, he tried to help herâ¦Trevant was a good child.
Back then, Iris seemed to be struggling too, but it wasnât as bad as this. From what I heard, the Iris that I knew as Lyra seemed to be brighter than the Iris of this world. Well, the Iris that I knew as Lyra was surrounded with many friendsâ¦yeah, of course it would make the differences.
I also asked about Ein. As expected, Ein was still there, as Clyde and Nicoleâs son, the heir of the Loera family. Trevant was acquainted with Ein for he sometimes went to the royal castleâhe was technically Trevantâs cousin, so of course that was natural!
Ein was still a curious and smart child, but he was enrolled in a noble school in the North Riviera, the territory of the Loera familyâ¦? Well, he was enrolled to Harmonia Academy because Lyra happened to spark his interestâ¦this made sense. Trevant had a good impression of Ein and they seemed to be in a good relationship.
After dinner, I was finally back alone in my room, so I grabbed my Provice to continue accessing the information about my other friends as Lyra.
Let seeâ¦
As expected, since I hadnât reached the point in life where âLyraâ should be acquainted with Briar-Rose and the Flugel twins, their lives didnât seem to be so different from what I knew so far. They were troublemakers, especially Briar-Roseâ¦but I knew that it was because of her upbringingâ¦
I sighed as I read the details of their lives. Though nothing private was written there, Remus familyâs favoritism clearly showed there, and the list of Primroseâs achievements versus Briar-Roseâs antics were hard for me to see.
As for the Flugel twins, they were doing alright. I was glad. But after they reach the point when they should be meeting Lyra, what would happen to âthemâ of this world since they wouldnât meet Lyra? Thatâ¦might be something I would never find out.
The events that happened with them as Lyraâ¦
â¦
â¦huh?
My head throbbed as I tried to recall the days we spent together. A flood of memories entered my headâthey were new information.
And the last recollection I had wasâthat I met a wolf beast in a forest andâ¦and then what happened? What kind of a beast was itâ¦?
I tried searching for information about wolf beasts, but I didnât seem to find any matching with the one from my recollectionâ¦
I had a hunch that this piece of information was important�
But how do I figure out what kind of creature it was?
Who in the world would be so knowledgeable to knowâ
At that time, the figure of an energetic girl with marigold hair, light blue eyes, and a mole below her right eyeâs corner appeared in my mind. It overlapped with the figure of her when she was an adultâ¦
Nicole.
Should I try meeting her in this âwrong futureâ and see if she could help meâ¦?
Woohoo, we've hit the 150 chapters milestone! ...I have nothing to do to celebrate it, but yay~! It's an achievement for me, I think ^^
Thanks for reading and I'll try to get back to the comments when I have more free time, but I read every one of them and will be very happy to see any comment ^^ I also love every speculation of discussion regarding this series :)
Feel free to join my Discord server~!
To support this series and gain access to advanced chapter(s), just click the button below :3
See you in the next chapter!
But when I passed by the library, I happened to catch a glimpse of the children there. For some reason, there was a strong feeling deep inside my heart, telling me to go there. Perhaps it was the mini Lyra inside me, worried for her siblings especially Altaire after what I heard from Cyan and Cass before.
I slowly approached them, not wanting to disturb their time together, but they still noticed my presence.
âMother, whatâs the matter?â Trevant was the first one to notice me and so he asked.
âItâs nothing. I just finished talking with the Hartmann familyâs parents and happened to pass by you all. I just want to see everyone,â I said.
Now, I could feel that everyoneâs eyes were on me. Altaire, Freyr, and Freyja stood up to greet me. While Freyr and Freyja might be less energetic than what I remembered them to be, the stark difference lied with Altaire. His presence attracted me the most, so I turned to look at him.
Since he was a bit too far away, I approached him to take a better look at himself. He just stood there, unmoving as he watched me approach himâ¦with his dull eyes. It ached my heart whenever I saw Altaire with this pair of dull eyes. The Altaire I knewâhis eyes were shining and full of hopes or positivity. But the Altaire in front of meâ¦
I finally arrived right in front of Altaire. He was shorter than me now, so he had to look up at me, while I looked down at him. This was something I never got to experience as Lyra. As Lyra, Altaire wasâ¦big, and he was strong. But when I looked at him like this, he wasâ¦small and seemingly frail. Yes, after all, he was a child while I was an adult. Though technically he should be thirteen this year, which made him legally an adultâ¦
I stared straight at his eyes. Yes, no âlightâ was reflected there. I could see a hint of despair inside his heterochromatic eyes. Altaireâ¦You were targeted by evil adults, traumatized, and thenâ¦
Without even realizing it, I already put my hand on his cheek. He seemed surprised and asked, âReinst-samaâ¦?â
Yet, I continued to stare at his eyes. My heart ached so much.
After what he had gone through in his childhood, all aloneâ¦He had to lose his very best friend, Clavis. He was the last person to see Clavisâ¦He was so close to bringing him home, yetâ¦Clavis was now nowhere to be found. Just how could Altaire be feeling right now? He must be so broken inside, mustnât he?
Freyr and Freyja were still young, although they were his siblings. He was still their elder brother, and as an elder brother, he had to be strongâ¦
Yesâ¦This Altaire in front of me had suffered so much and Iâ¦couldnât imagine how he must be feeling.
I didnât resist my urges inside as I quickly brought Altaire into a hug.
ââ¦!â Altaire was clearly surprised, yet he wasnât resisting.
I patted his back and his head alternatively.
âYou must have gone through a lotâ¦You are really, really strong. But itâs okay to be weak sometimesâ¦okay? You have your familyâ¦andâ¦Trevant,â I said.
Altaireâs body stiffened as he listened to my words. I hugged him for a bit more before letting go, and after I could see his face again, his eyes were redânot in colorâbut as if he was holding back his tears.
â¦
The mini Lyra in me ached all the more looking at Altaire like this. How I wish I were Lyra, how I wish I could cheer him up and be his supportâ¦
But if I were Lyra, things wouldnât have turned out like this in the end, huh?
ââ¦Thank you, Reinst-sama,â Altaire said with a slightly hoarse voice.
I smiled back at him.
âMother is right. We are friends, arenât we? Though Iâm younger than you, I hope you can rely on me too,â Trevant said.
âGot it,â Altaire replied.
Yet, I still couldnât see his true smile, though I have definitely seen it many times, over and over againâ¦in the right future.
After that, I returned to my room and opened my Provice. I already asked Titus-sama about how to access the information, so I hurriedly entered the right address, passwords, and so on. When the database appeared, I still proceeded to take a look about the Hartmann family first, as if what I heard before wasnât enough as a confirmation. Not all private data was written there, but huge incidents like what happened to Altaire were written. The thing about Clavisâ¦It wasnât written there, but when I looked about the list of missing people, I managed to gain access to Clavisâ information, like when he was last seen, and so on.
The date of the incidentsâfrom when Altaire was attacked in Chinosato and when Clavis was last seenâthough I only vaguely remembered it, perhaps they were close if not similar to the dates that happened in my life as Lyra. But the outcome was also different, for Iâfor Lyraâwas not there.
Then, I took the time to learn about my dadâs life history and it was really written there that Dad was actually the previous Duke Hartmannâs son with a maid, Firis. I also learned about Dadâs half-brother and stepmother from the record. I learned more about the Hartmann familyâs wrongdoings and felt more sympathy to my dad for having to live with such a distorted family for yearsâ¦Then, my dadâs contribution to ending the corrupt Hartmannâs legacy was written along with how he was made as the next duke. His achievementsâ¦I could never be prouder of you, Dad.
Momâs record was also full of her achievements, and I was really honored I could become the daughter of such amazing people.
I wonder what was happening to me? What happened to Lyraâto my body there? Could I be in a comatose andâ¦my family, would they be worried about me? Just you wait, your daughter is definitely going to return!!
Then, I went from them to look about Trevant and Titus-sama to satisfy my curiosity in the royal familyâs database. It was fun learning about this son I never had and I would never have. I then read about Titus-samaâs details, about how he worked together with my dad to end the Hartmannâs wrongdoings and how he had been actively working for the sake of the country even when he was just a crown prince. What took me by surprise was about how Titus-sama had gone to the area where the Schafer family was. Perhapsâ¦if only I wasnât here and somehow Shaula was still alive, they would have met at that time, fell in love, and the rest was history?
After I return, I should probably ask Luca about his parents, now that Iâm curious.
Just when I was about to move on to my other friends, there was a knock to my door. Trevant showed up after I let him in.
âWhatâs the matter, Trevant?â
âNothingâ¦Itâs justâ¦,â Trevant seemed to be hesitant to tell me what was the matter.
âHmm?â I urged him to tell me.
ââ¦Earlier, Mother, you wereâ¦to Altaireâ¦â
âAh, yeah, I just heard about what he had gone through and sympathized with him. Was it not something I should do?â When I thought about it, that might be the case! What a mistake I had committed?!
âNo, itâs fineâ¦I mean, I think it means a lot to himâ¦â
âYou think so? Iâm glad. Iâm also happy that youâre willing to be by his side.â
ââ¦Mother, why does it feel like Altaire were your son instead?â
âNo, I didnât mean that, of course youâre my son,â I tried my best to not stutter when declaring this. It was still a bit awkward for me, no matter how well I could lie.
ââ¦Oh. Iâm glad if you remember. Iâm just worriedâ¦â
It was at that time that an idea popped in my dense mind! If Trevant took after me, he would be wishing for his motherâs love the most and seeing his mother being affectionate to another childâ¦yes, he might be feeling uneasy or even jealous!
I decided to hug him and patted his head.
âSilly child,â I said gently.
Trevant then smiledâso far it was the âtruestâ smile I had seen in him after I first saw him.
âOh yeah, Trevant, donât you have your own close aide?â I asked when I remembered I could ask about Kiri from him, if he were still the crown princeâs aide.
âI do. His name is Kiri, heâs the adoptive son of the head of the royal knights. Weâre of the same age.â
As expected.
âHow is he doing?â
âThatâ¦,â Trevant cast his eyes downward.
Sure enough, Trevant continued, âKiri protected me from a kidnapping attempt that happened not too long ago, so heâs still recovering. That child is a scaredy cat from the very beginning, and it surprised me when he suddenly became brave to protect me.â
âIs he okay? Was he severely wounded?â
âThankfully, heâs fine. But itâs just that heâs quite scared of getting attacked again. His father has always been at a loss on how he should push Kiri so he can be braver. Heâs proud that Kiri did a good job in protecting me, but Kiriâs back at square one with his small courage nowâ¦â
âAh, so the head of the royal knight must be trying to train him again.â
âCorrect.â
â¦In the first place, Kiri was indeed a scaredy cat, butâ¦I wonder if the Kiri I knew now was like that?
â¦No, the Kiri ânowâ is much braver than he was, and he was likeâ¦it was as if he was determined to protect something precious to him. Was it Lucaâ¦? No, Luca is definitely strong, he might as well need no protection. Lucaâs more confident and cocky than Trevant, so it was less likely Kiri was moved in order to protect him. Thenâ¦
Leticiaâs childish voice resounded in my mind.
â¦
The small exchange between Leticia and Kiri that I once heard. Could it be that Leti was Kiriâs source of strength and courage? Leti was definitely a figure to be protected. Yes. This explained Kiriâs differencesâ¦
In the end, I talked with Trevant about a lot of stuff before we ate dinner together. From him, I found out that Carbuncle the dragon had indeed visited the Harmonia Academy. However, for some reason, nothing caught her eyes and so she left to roam around the continent on her own, stopping here and there. It was unknown if she was still in Riviera as of now, or if she had left for another countryâ¦
I somehow was able to probe about Iris from Trevant, for he was enrolled to the special class too. Iris still enrolled in the special class of Harmonia academy, but she was a loner and had no close friends. Just Harvey, her childhood friend who happened to be Altaireâs friend. That was how Trevant was acquainted with her.
This semester, her scores were bad that she was almost taken out of the special class, but Trevant had helped her, so it was all safe. Trevant wasnât close with her, but since she was his friendâs friend of friend, he tried to help herâ¦Trevant was a good child.
Back then, Iris seemed to be struggling too, but it wasnât as bad as this. From what I heard, the Iris that I knew as Lyra seemed to be brighter than the Iris of this world. Well, the Iris that I knew as Lyra was surrounded with many friendsâ¦yeah, of course it would make the differences.
I also asked about Ein. As expected, Ein was still there, as Clyde and Nicoleâs son, the heir of the Loera family. Trevant was acquainted with Ein for he sometimes went to the royal castleâhe was technically Trevantâs cousin, so of course that was natural!
Ein was still a curious and smart child, but he was enrolled in a noble school in the North Riviera, the territory of the Loera familyâ¦? Well, he was enrolled to Harmonia Academy because Lyra happened to spark his interestâ¦this made sense. Trevant had a good impression of Ein and they seemed to be in a good relationship.
After dinner, I was finally back alone in my room, so I grabbed my Provice to continue accessing the information about my other friends as Lyra.
Let seeâ¦
As expected, since I hadnât reached the point in life where âLyraâ should be acquainted with Briar-Rose and the Flugel twins, their lives didnât seem to be so different from what I knew so far. They were troublemakers, especially Briar-Roseâ¦but I knew that it was because of her upbringingâ¦
I sighed as I read the details of their lives. Though nothing private was written there, Remus familyâs favoritism clearly showed there, and the list of Primroseâs achievements versus Briar-Roseâs antics were hard for me to see.
As for the Flugel twins, they were doing alright. I was glad. But after they reach the point when they should be meeting Lyra, what would happen to âthemâ of this world since they wouldnât meet Lyra? Thatâ¦might be something I would never find out.
The events that happened with them as Lyraâ¦
â¦
â¦huh?
My head throbbed as I tried to recall the days we spent together. A flood of memories entered my headâthey were new information.
And the last recollection I had wasâthat I met a wolf beast in a forest andâ¦and then what happened? What kind of a beast was itâ¦?
I tried searching for information about wolf beasts, but I didnât seem to find any matching with the one from my recollectionâ¦
I had a hunch that this piece of information was important�
But how do I figure out what kind of creature it was?
Who in the world would be so knowledgeable to knowâ
At that time, the figure of an energetic girl with marigold hair, light blue eyes, and a mole below her right eyeâs corner appeared in my mind. It overlapped with the figure of her when she was an adultâ¦
Nicole.
Should I try meeting her in this âwrong futureâ and see if she could help meâ¦?
Woohoo, we've hit the 150 chapters milestone! ...I have nothing to do to celebrate it, but yay~! It's an achievement for me, I think ^^
Thanks for reading and I'll try to get back to the comments when I have more free time, but I read every one of them and will be very happy to see any comment ^^ I also love every speculation of discussion regarding this series :)
Feel free to join my Discord server~!
To support this series and gain access to advanced chapter(s), just click the button below :3
See you in the next chapter!