I Didn’t Even Want to Live, But God Forced Me to Reincarnate!

When I opened my eyes again after quite a comfortable sleep, I was disappointed to see the same unfamiliar ceilings. I wanted to cry, but no tears came out. It seemed like I couldn’t just sleep everything away and expect this ‘dream’—no—‘nightmare’ to end.
Perhaps…there was something up with this nightmare of mine and
had to be the active one to get out of this nightmare? If so, what could it be, I wonder?
I felt like there was something missing from my memories, even after I regained the fact that I was reincarnated as Lyra. That was—what did I last do before I woke up as Reinst? I felt like that information would be the game changer. Would I find out about it as I try to trace the information I had as Lyra?
Anyway, when morning arrived, I was helped by several maids to get ready for the day. I was thankful for this arrangement, because I would be totally clueless in this situation. I normally disliked having many people helping me and would prefer more solitude and doing things myself, but…I guess the ‘Reinst’ here was already used to becoming the queen and having many people assisting her?
After getting ready, I was escorted to the dining hall for breakfast. There, Titus-sama and Trevant were already waiting as they were sitting across each other. The moment I arrived, they turned to look at me in unison. Looking at them like this, they were really father and son.
…But in my head, Titus’ son was none other than Luca. I could never forget this fact. It was etched to my mind so deeply. No matter what, I refuse to accept this reality.
“Ah, Mother! Come sit next to me like you usually do!” Trevant quickly pointed at the seat next to him as he took the seat for me.
I was stunned at first, but I smiled at his good will.
“Thank you,” I said as I took the seat next to him. At this moment, he smiled back at me so happily that some feelings welled up inside of me. Was it this body’s maternal instinct?
If I were to objectively look at Trevant, he was a fine child. A good one, I suppose. And the way he looked at me—he was so adorable and it was clear that this child…loved his mother. I was glad for this ‘Reinst’ in this dream world.
But wait, since this was a dream, could this be my make-believe? While it was weird how my subconscious would be imagining my future as Reinst and going as far as writing Shaula as dead to justify my marriage to Titus, it was clear that I would want my child to love me and for me to have a good relationship with my child.
Well, at least this was my solace in this nightmare.
Also, since I was actually Lyra whose age wasn’t that far away from this Trevant before me, I somehow felt like it would be easier to get close to him than to Titus?
Yes, though I was supposedly Reinst here and his mother, I couldn’t really view him as my son. Because deep inside, I was Lyra.
As breakfast was served, Trevant dexterously picked up a few dishes and put it on my plate.
“They’re your favorite, Mother,” Trevant said.
I looked at the dishes put on my plate and some were indeed what I had considered my favorites, meanwhile I saw some that weren’t supposed to be my favorites? I guess people’s tastes change as time passes by?
Nevertheless, I appreciated his gesture.
“Thank you,” I smiled at him as I ate them slowly.
“…Trevant, are you still feeling guilty about what happened?” Titus suddenly asked.
Trevant’s body jolted a little bit. He hung his head down as he muttered, “It’s my fault.”
“No, don’t be. It’s not your fault,” Titus said.
“But Mother even…”
“Hold on. Before you guys decide that it’s anyone’s fault, can you please tell me what’s the matter? I believe I have the biggest say on this matter,” I immediately interrupted.
“That’s right. I shall brief you about what’s happened so far from the last memory you have,” Titus said.
Then, he really narrated the story of my life that he knew of to me while we were eating. Shortly after my fourteenth birthday party, the royal family summoned my family to discuss the engagement between Titus-sama and I. I could imagine my family—particularly my mother’s delighted face already. The engagement discussion went so smoothly and we were soon officially betrothed.
Of course, school took precedence, and they were waiting for me—due to our age difference—to at least finish my Advanced level first.
Soon, I got married to Titus-sama and gave birth to Trevant when I was 20. This was more or less the same as when Luca was born.
Fast forward to ten years later…
“Trevant wanted to go out with you on that day, and so you two went out. At that time, you were attacked by
” Titus-sama said gravely.
“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have asked to go out. They were also after me,” Trevant said.
“Them?” I asked.
“The Gamma cult,” Titus said coldly.
The what?
Gamma cult…?
If I remembered right, ‘Gamma’ referred to Gehenna, the goddess of destruction. I knew that such a cult existed before, but I heard that the authority had been working hard in destroying the cult that they were almost nonexistent by now? In my lifetime as Lyra, I never really…
My thought process was cut off by the image of the ones who attacked me when I was four-year-old as Lyra, and during the Harmonia Academy school festival.
…An attack during Harmonia Academy school festival? Now this was a new information. Back then, my memories didn’t even touch that festival.
Could it be that this dream’s situation and Lyra’s life situation were different? Or that the Gamma cult was simply lurking in the dark in my life as Lyra, never really making any movement like this? As far as I remember, Luca and Leticia never talked about them being targeted by the Gamma cult. My parents never talked about it, either.
“Based on what I heard, at that time, the Gamma cult indeed targeted Trevant,” Titus said.
“At that time, I tried fighting them, but…It’s because I’m not strong enough that Mother…,” Trevant said emotionally.
“Did I try to protect you and get injured in the process?” I asked, guessing how the situation escalated.
Trevant couldn’t say anything, all he could do was nod.
…Though I clearly had no recollection of what happened obviously, but I knew my character that shouldn’t fundamentally change. So I could guess ‘her’ line of thoughts.
“Then that’s not your fault at all. I’m sure your mo—I wanted to protect you because you’re my dear son and I wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for what happened,” I said as I stroked his head gently.
Trevant raised his head to look at me with a stunned expression.
“This is
fault and not any of us’ fault. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Okay?” I asked again.
Trevant was silent for a while before he nodded, “Okay.”
When I returned to my food, I happened to see Titus-sama who was sitting right across of me and Trevant. I caught him smiling at us, and I couldn’t help but feel stunned.
I was sure there was no romantic love at all between us, but after living together as a couple for so long, wouldn’t our interaction be harmonious and warm enough? That explained this situation, which wasn’t bad, actually.
And the fact that Reinst and Titus’ son, Trevant, could grow up to be such a considerate and loving child like this…yes, their relationships were indeed harmonious.
I was glad for this dream world’s Reinst. She finally got a loving family, didn’t she? But still, I ought to return to my own world.
…But wait, if the Gamma cult situation was quite different from my world and this dream world, what other differences would there be?
More importantly, this difference triggered a memory to return to myself. If I were to pursue the differences between the worlds, wouldn’t that trigger more memories and perhaps that would shed some lights about how I could return to my real world?
Then…It’s time for information digging!
But where should I start?
As I was feeling lost on what to do, suddenly…
“Father, when is the Hartmann going to come?” Trevant asked.
“They’re going to come in the afternoon. You’re going to talk with their kids, right?” Titus-sama asked.
“Mhm.”
“Hold on,” I decided to open my mouth, “Can I go see them too?”
“Are you alright?” Titus-sama asked.
“Yeah, I feel alright. I…just want to see more people and collect more information to recover my memories. I should know them, right?”
“That’s right. They’re also concerned about you, so seeing you in person will also comfort them,” Titus-sama said.
“Yeah, that will be the best then,” I said.
After finishing our breakfast, Titus-sama left first to handle some matters. Meanwhile, I was told not to work first and focus on recovering. I could see Trevant was somehow happy with this, as he never left my side after that.
He was the one who led me the way around the castle, as I didn’t remember the castle’s map 100%. Even though I often went here as Lyra, there were still some differences and places I couldn’t really enter. As a queen, I had access to every room in this castle and hey, I could use that to my advantage!
For example, there was this classified area that only the royal family could enter. I heard that I could access to some confidential information through my Provice, too. Perhaps that would make it easier for me to dig the information around. I made a mental note to myself to try accessing those confidential and classified information when I am free, maybe after meeting with the Hartmann family.
The more I interacted with Trevant, the more I thought about Luca. Was he like this with Shaula, too? I knew for sure that Luca really liked his mother, even more so when he was but a child.
As he guided me through the castle, we had a conversation about the Hartmann family who would be coming soon.
“Are you in good terms with the Hartmann family’s children?” I asked.
“Yes. Father’s good friends with Duke Hartmann, so the Hartmann family’s children are like my close friends.”
“How many children do they have?”
“There’s their eldest son, Altaire. He’s three years older than me. Then there’s his twin younger siblings, Freyr and Freyja. They’re actually Altaire’s cousins who were adopted into the family,” Trevant explained to me.
So, Alt-nii was still here. Freyr and Freyja, too. However… The existence of the Hartmann family’s biological daughter, Lyra—me—was no longer…Haha, but of course. It wouldn’t make sense if “I” were to still exist here. That would make it awkward for me too. I would be convinced that I was just a ghost robbing the Hartmann family of their real daughter should Lyra still exist in this situation.
I wonder how my family in this dream world would be faring, without my existence?
Soon, afternoon came and the Hartmann family also arrived in this castle…
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