I Didn’t Even Want to Live, But God Forced Me to Reincarnate!
Author: LynneSuzuran
Chapter 164 â My One and Onlyâ¦
The older we turn, the blurrier our earlier memories are.
But some memories will forever be ingrained in our mind.
I am not blessed with the Oracle like my wifeâNicoleâs. Sometimes, I envy her perfect memory, but Iâve seen her suffer due to it, soâ¦
My memories of âherâ became blurrier the older I got, but Nicole would kindly remind me of the memories if I wanted to hear them.
As time goes on, we talk less about her⦠even though we knew we would never have the closure we wanted, even though we knew how bitter we were with regrets. Time doesnât really heal the wound; it only buries the memories even further.
It was unexpected that my wife would bring up about âReinst coming to see her in her dreamsâ suddenly.
âIâm not sure if itâs true or not, but it felt so real⦠I guess Iâll know sooner or later, as I made Reinst promise me to give me a sign if this was realâ¦,â she said with a wry smile.
âHow nice it would be if it was really herâ¦,â I said as I patted her.
âYeah⦠I wish she would come and meet you, too!â Nicole suddenly said.
ââ¦Yeah,â I smiled, although I knew it might never happen.
All our lives, Reinst was told that I wasnât her ally at all, let alone family.
I still remember vaguely of the time when we were youngerâ¦
It was natural for children of the same age to be eager to play with each other, right? And we lived in the same house, saw each other every day.
And I remember how weâas childrenâwould often want to play together.
While my mother didnât seem to mind my wanting to play together with her⦠Reinstâs mother didnât agree. I still remember her sharp glare at me whenever she tried to separate me from Reinst. And how awful her scolding was to the maid who was in charge of Reinst, who let her play with me.
But the more you forbid a child from doing something, the more that child wants to do it. Reinst and I were the same. We secretly played togetherâI wonder if she still remembered those time? I only remember vaguelyâ¦
Yet at one point, Reinstâs mother had enough of it and scolded us fiercely. My mother came to my rescue quickly, but Reinst had received her scolding.
Then, I wasnât sure why, but Reinst started to avoid me gradually.
But after I turned into an adult, I understand.
Dahliaâher motherâseemed to plant negative ideas about me in her head.
That, reinforced with Dahliaâs fierce scolding to Reinst, seemed to be effective in making us turn into strangers with a portion of shared DNA.
And I stopped trying to reach out to her because I didnât want her to get into trouble⦠and I didnât want to face her unfriendly glare towards me.
Before we turned nine, Reinst had the same hostile glare as her mother whenever they saw me.
I was her rival.
I was the reason why she had to study and train a lot.
I was the reason why her mother was so strict with her.
I was the reason why her life was miserable, why she was robbed of her childhood.
Perhaps it was also easier for her to view me as the scapegoat at that time.
It was so bad that if her people were to hear me mentioning Reinst, they would assume that I was talking bad about her, or anything about rivalry.
As such, my mother and I used the code name âcarnationâ or âCarnatiaâ to refer to her. Carnatia was Reinstâs middle name, and although the correlation was easy to see, she was never called that way, so it was safer than mentioning her name.
After Domi was born, her hostile glare towards me stoppedâbut it was replaced by her lifeless eyes. I wasnât sure if I would rather see her like that.
Even as our so-called rivalry was dropped with no winner among us, our status quo remained.
Looking back at it, I believe there was no reason for Reinst to reach out to me, not after what her belief of me was constructedâby her mother.
As for me⦠I was a coward. I was afraid of her rejecting me, so I would rather us remain like that. I remained hopeful that I could take things slowly and eventually, I would have the courage to repair our relationship.
As to why I still wanted us to be close, despite our bad historyâ¦
It was as simple as the joyful memories I had with her when we were small children. For we only had each other to play together, to learn the swords together.
Plus, my mother had a brother who was close to her. Their sibling relationship became a good example for me.
Back when she was still alive, we couldnât really spend the time bonding alone. Nicoleâs presence as our âbridgeâ really helped. Dahlia took care of her image all too well, and so, whenever Nicole and I were with Reinst, she wouldnât scold Reinst or me just like when we were little.
Dahlia was⦠yes, a perfect example of a two-faced person.
In front of others, she would try to be good. But behind them, she would speak ill of them, telling her daughter to never let her guard off against the othersâas if we were all evil and nobody would want to wish her daughter well.
She viewed the others as âcompetitionâ.
Such a grim view of the worldâone that she ingrained to Reinst, sadly.
I thought I was doing well in progressing slowly with Reinst.
I was really happy when I managed to dance with her during her coming-of-age ceremony, and how I was able to look back at Dahlia in the eye during that party⦠and how I felt victory over her, for she just turned away from me and Reinst who were dancing.
Perhaps Dahlia was also starting to feel indifferent towards me, for Domi was already there. Or perhaps she knew her brainwashing of Reinst was successful that she didnât need to worry about me influencing her in a bad way.
It didnât matter. What mattered to me was how we were able to start getting along well as siblings.
And from that day onward, I was sure we could slowly fill the gap between us and eventually⦠I would be able to be a good big brother to her, that I would be able to make her smile sincerely, again.
â¦But time was cruel, it wouldnât acknowledge my feelings.
The world took her away from me, before I could even make her smile, before I could tell her about how I cared for her, before I could become a big brother for herâ¦
I felt as if it was mocking me.
If only I was braverâ¦
If only I took the risk soonerâ¦
If onlyâ¦
Would I be able to change her fate, too?
I am her big brother, yet I couldnât do a single thing for her⦠my one and only little sisterâ¦
When I heard her death announcement, no tears fell from my eyes. My heart wasnât sad. Rather, my whole being was numb. Everything felt so unrealâ¦
I could only cry when Nicole visited me before Reinstâs funeral.
At that time⦠she looked sad and it was apparent that she had bawled her eyes out. Even so, when she looked into my eyes that time, tears quickly fell from her swollen eyes again. She then pulled me to her embrace as she continued to cry.
Nicoleâs words were simple and stated nothing but the truth that my brain had known before that⦠but for some reason, the wall that I had in my heart just crumbled⦠I cried together with her.
Perhaps I was refusing to acknowledge that fact all along. I was waiting to hear that it wasnât real. But Nicoleâs pitiful state that I never saw before, her tears, and her words⦠everything was like a confirmation that this cruel news was indeed real.
We talked a lot after that, I talked about everything I could remember about Reinst to Nicole at that day.
During her funeral, I could keep a straight face⦠but I couldnât say goodbye to her. I didnât want to.
And perhaps due to hearing my childhood story of Reinst, Nicole was triggered upon seeing how fake Dahlia seemed during Reinstâs funeral.
I hated her. Hated Dahlia, for making everything turn this way.
For making Reinst and I never really got along well.
â¦But more than anything, I hated myself for not having the courage to do anything while she was alive.
Every year, I would come to Reinstâs grave during the time when nobody was there, so I could sit down and spend the time to talk to herâ¦
âHey, Reinst. It has been one year, huh? Are you happy over there? The other day, Nicole and I watched the finale to the series you liked. It was greatâ¦â
âA new cake shop just opened close to our school. I know you secretly still love sweet things. Here, I bought you one. Letâs eat together.â
âHave you heard, Reinst? The prince is getting engaged to some noble girl we never really knew⦠I wonder if the prince ever thought of you even once after your death? I mean, you two were almost engagedâ¦â
âReinst, this is unexpected, but Nicole and I are datingâ¦â
ââ¦Iâm sorry for not being able to become a proper big brother to you when you were alive⦠my little sister⦠Iâ¦â
âHey Reinst. Iâm bringing Nicole with me to our sibling time. You donât mind, do you? She was⦠your best friend, right? She has now become your sister-in-law, tooâ¦â
âReinst, sorry for coming late. My son was just born⦠We named him after you, here, see your nephew⦠If youâre still here, I wonder if youâll have a child by this time? It would be great if our children could get along wellâ¦â
How odd it is?
I could never talk to you like this when you were still here, but after you were gone, everything sort of slipped from my mouthâ¦
There is really no medicine for regrets.
Losing you made me realize how happy I would be if I could talk like this with you when you were hereâ¦
But what was I expecting from talking to you like this? Was I hoping that youâd hear me as a spirit and then youâd be happy?
I guess you wouldnât.
I guess you would be angry at how incompetent I was.
About how it was all too lateâ¦
I know, I know.
Thatâs why I sort of gave up⦠I guess I would never get any closure when I was alive.
I am not sure if youâd be there and be willing to meet and talk with me even when I can finally see you after my own deathâ¦
From the bottom of my heart, Reinst⦠I really care about you. I love you as my little sister. Even if we never really got along well.
And Iâm⦠Iâm really sorry.
Thanks for reading and I'll try to get back to the comments when I have more free time, but I read every one of them and will be very happy to see any comment (I'm really happy to read your comments in the previous chapter!) ^^
Feel free to join my Discord server and mingle with the other readers too~
To support this series and gain access to advanced chapter(s), just click the button below :3
Thanking all the patrons...and you for reading this series~!
But some memories will forever be ingrained in our mind.
I am not blessed with the Oracle like my wifeâNicoleâs. Sometimes, I envy her perfect memory, but Iâve seen her suffer due to it, soâ¦
My memories of âherâ became blurrier the older I got, but Nicole would kindly remind me of the memories if I wanted to hear them.
As time goes on, we talk less about her⦠even though we knew we would never have the closure we wanted, even though we knew how bitter we were with regrets. Time doesnât really heal the wound; it only buries the memories even further.
It was unexpected that my wife would bring up about âReinst coming to see her in her dreamsâ suddenly.
âIâm not sure if itâs true or not, but it felt so real⦠I guess Iâll know sooner or later, as I made Reinst promise me to give me a sign if this was realâ¦,â she said with a wry smile.
âHow nice it would be if it was really herâ¦,â I said as I patted her.
âYeah⦠I wish she would come and meet you, too!â Nicole suddenly said.
ââ¦Yeah,â I smiled, although I knew it might never happen.
All our lives, Reinst was told that I wasnât her ally at all, let alone family.
I still remember vaguely of the time when we were youngerâ¦
It was natural for children of the same age to be eager to play with each other, right? And we lived in the same house, saw each other every day.
And I remember how weâas childrenâwould often want to play together.
While my mother didnât seem to mind my wanting to play together with her⦠Reinstâs mother didnât agree. I still remember her sharp glare at me whenever she tried to separate me from Reinst. And how awful her scolding was to the maid who was in charge of Reinst, who let her play with me.
But the more you forbid a child from doing something, the more that child wants to do it. Reinst and I were the same. We secretly played togetherâI wonder if she still remembered those time? I only remember vaguelyâ¦
Yet at one point, Reinstâs mother had enough of it and scolded us fiercely. My mother came to my rescue quickly, but Reinst had received her scolding.
Then, I wasnât sure why, but Reinst started to avoid me gradually.
But after I turned into an adult, I understand.
Dahliaâher motherâseemed to plant negative ideas about me in her head.
That, reinforced with Dahliaâs fierce scolding to Reinst, seemed to be effective in making us turn into strangers with a portion of shared DNA.
And I stopped trying to reach out to her because I didnât want her to get into trouble⦠and I didnât want to face her unfriendly glare towards me.
Before we turned nine, Reinst had the same hostile glare as her mother whenever they saw me.
I was her rival.
I was the reason why she had to study and train a lot.
I was the reason why her mother was so strict with her.
I was the reason why her life was miserable, why she was robbed of her childhood.
Perhaps it was also easier for her to view me as the scapegoat at that time.
It was so bad that if her people were to hear me mentioning Reinst, they would assume that I was talking bad about her, or anything about rivalry.
As such, my mother and I used the code name âcarnationâ or âCarnatiaâ to refer to her. Carnatia was Reinstâs middle name, and although the correlation was easy to see, she was never called that way, so it was safer than mentioning her name.
After Domi was born, her hostile glare towards me stoppedâbut it was replaced by her lifeless eyes. I wasnât sure if I would rather see her like that.
Even as our so-called rivalry was dropped with no winner among us, our status quo remained.
Looking back at it, I believe there was no reason for Reinst to reach out to me, not after what her belief of me was constructedâby her mother.
As for me⦠I was a coward. I was afraid of her rejecting me, so I would rather us remain like that. I remained hopeful that I could take things slowly and eventually, I would have the courage to repair our relationship.
As to why I still wanted us to be close, despite our bad historyâ¦
It was as simple as the joyful memories I had with her when we were small children. For we only had each other to play together, to learn the swords together.
Plus, my mother had a brother who was close to her. Their sibling relationship became a good example for me.
Back when she was still alive, we couldnât really spend the time bonding alone. Nicoleâs presence as our âbridgeâ really helped. Dahlia took care of her image all too well, and so, whenever Nicole and I were with Reinst, she wouldnât scold Reinst or me just like when we were little.
Dahlia was⦠yes, a perfect example of a two-faced person.
In front of others, she would try to be good. But behind them, she would speak ill of them, telling her daughter to never let her guard off against the othersâas if we were all evil and nobody would want to wish her daughter well.
She viewed the others as âcompetitionâ.
Such a grim view of the worldâone that she ingrained to Reinst, sadly.
I thought I was doing well in progressing slowly with Reinst.
I was really happy when I managed to dance with her during her coming-of-age ceremony, and how I was able to look back at Dahlia in the eye during that party⦠and how I felt victory over her, for she just turned away from me and Reinst who were dancing.
Perhaps Dahlia was also starting to feel indifferent towards me, for Domi was already there. Or perhaps she knew her brainwashing of Reinst was successful that she didnât need to worry about me influencing her in a bad way.
It didnât matter. What mattered to me was how we were able to start getting along well as siblings.
And from that day onward, I was sure we could slowly fill the gap between us and eventually⦠I would be able to be a good big brother to her, that I would be able to make her smile sincerely, again.
â¦But time was cruel, it wouldnât acknowledge my feelings.
The world took her away from me, before I could even make her smile, before I could tell her about how I cared for her, before I could become a big brother for herâ¦
I felt as if it was mocking me.
If only I was braverâ¦
If only I took the risk soonerâ¦
If onlyâ¦
Would I be able to change her fate, too?
I am her big brother, yet I couldnât do a single thing for her⦠my one and only little sisterâ¦
When I heard her death announcement, no tears fell from my eyes. My heart wasnât sad. Rather, my whole being was numb. Everything felt so unrealâ¦
I could only cry when Nicole visited me before Reinstâs funeral.
At that time⦠she looked sad and it was apparent that she had bawled her eyes out. Even so, when she looked into my eyes that time, tears quickly fell from her swollen eyes again. She then pulled me to her embrace as she continued to cry.
Nicoleâs words were simple and stated nothing but the truth that my brain had known before that⦠but for some reason, the wall that I had in my heart just crumbled⦠I cried together with her.
Perhaps I was refusing to acknowledge that fact all along. I was waiting to hear that it wasnât real. But Nicoleâs pitiful state that I never saw before, her tears, and her words⦠everything was like a confirmation that this cruel news was indeed real.
We talked a lot after that, I talked about everything I could remember about Reinst to Nicole at that day.
During her funeral, I could keep a straight face⦠but I couldnât say goodbye to her. I didnât want to.
And perhaps due to hearing my childhood story of Reinst, Nicole was triggered upon seeing how fake Dahlia seemed during Reinstâs funeral.
I hated her. Hated Dahlia, for making everything turn this way.
For making Reinst and I never really got along well.
â¦But more than anything, I hated myself for not having the courage to do anything while she was alive.
Every year, I would come to Reinstâs grave during the time when nobody was there, so I could sit down and spend the time to talk to herâ¦
âHey, Reinst. It has been one year, huh? Are you happy over there? The other day, Nicole and I watched the finale to the series you liked. It was greatâ¦â
âA new cake shop just opened close to our school. I know you secretly still love sweet things. Here, I bought you one. Letâs eat together.â
âHave you heard, Reinst? The prince is getting engaged to some noble girl we never really knew⦠I wonder if the prince ever thought of you even once after your death? I mean, you two were almost engagedâ¦â
âReinst, this is unexpected, but Nicole and I are datingâ¦â
ââ¦Iâm sorry for not being able to become a proper big brother to you when you were alive⦠my little sister⦠Iâ¦â
âHey Reinst. Iâm bringing Nicole with me to our sibling time. You donât mind, do you? She was⦠your best friend, right? She has now become your sister-in-law, tooâ¦â
âReinst, sorry for coming late. My son was just born⦠We named him after you, here, see your nephew⦠If youâre still here, I wonder if youâll have a child by this time? It would be great if our children could get along wellâ¦â
How odd it is?
I could never talk to you like this when you were still here, but after you were gone, everything sort of slipped from my mouthâ¦
There is really no medicine for regrets.
Losing you made me realize how happy I would be if I could talk like this with you when you were hereâ¦
But what was I expecting from talking to you like this? Was I hoping that youâd hear me as a spirit and then youâd be happy?
I guess you wouldnât.
I guess you would be angry at how incompetent I was.
About how it was all too lateâ¦
I know, I know.
Thatâs why I sort of gave up⦠I guess I would never get any closure when I was alive.
I am not sure if youâd be there and be willing to meet and talk with me even when I can finally see you after my own deathâ¦
From the bottom of my heart, Reinst⦠I really care about you. I love you as my little sister. Even if we never really got along well.
And Iâm⦠Iâm really sorry.
Thanks for reading and I'll try to get back to the comments when I have more free time, but I read every one of them and will be very happy to see any comment (I'm really happy to read your comments in the previous chapter!) ^^
Feel free to join my Discord server and mingle with the other readers too~
To support this series and gain access to advanced chapter(s), just click the button below :3
Thanking all the patrons...and you for reading this series~!