Were You Raised by Wolves?: Clues to the Mysteries of Adulthood

247 Pages·2008·3.02 MB·English

by  Christie Mellor

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To my very own kind and thoughtful slackers, Edison and Atticus.
I love you both more than I can say.
Now, please go make your beds.
78
Contents
Introduction: Hello, Brand-New Grown-up! x
Home Sweet Home 1
Make Your Bed! 1
How? 2
If Nothing Else: A Clean Bathroom 5
More Unbelievable Baking Soda Tips! 8
Things for Which Baking Soda Should Not Be Used 12
Getting a Lipstick Stain Out of Your Shirt 12
Event Cleaning 14
What Is That Horrible Moldy Smell? 20
Get Your Fashion and Home Decorating
Tips from the Movies! 22
In Case You Didn’t Get the Memo 25
In the Workplace 25
v 34 Contents
A Note to the New Guy 26
A Quick Aside to Miss Underground Indie Girl 28
A Brief Memo to Brittany 28
A Quick Communiqué to Our New Fashionista 29
You There, with the Big Shiny Apple on Your Desk 30
Your New Job, in a Perfect World 31
A Note to the Art Dogs 33
The Working Life 33
Get a Crappy Job! 36
Your Résumé: Did You Really Climb Everest? 37
Your Wacky Boss! 38
You and Your Mentor 42
We Just Don’t Want to Wait for You Anymore 43
Getting Acquainted with Your Kitchen 47
How to Boil an Egg 47
Mayonnaise! Who Knew It Had So Many Uses? 49
Fabulous Homemade Mayonnaise Sauces 51
How in the World Do I Poach a Chicken?
What Is a Poached Salmon? 53
Mea Culpa, Veggies! 56
Your Own Fast Food Kitchen: A Word on
Transforming Raw Materials into a Lovely Feast 59
A Really Easy Soup
(In case you’re pressed for time and can’t spend hours making
chicken stock.) 62
Contents 34 vi
More Kitchen Tips 63
A Damn Fine Cup of Joe 65
Do Dishes Without a Dishwasher? 68
Get Dressed! 71
Just Say No to Culottes: Rejecting the Tyranny of Fashion 71
From the Department of Duh 75
Seemingly Anachronistic Skills We Should All Have:
Laundry and Ironing! 75
Why You Need to Know How to Sew on a Button 79
A Note to (Mostly) the Ladies 82
Step Away from the Cologne 82
Seemingly Anachronistic Skills We All Should Have:
Thread Your Sweats 88
More Seemingly Anachronistic Skills We All Should Have:
How to Tie a Bow Tie 89
You, in the World, Not Being an Embarrassment 91
Cell Phones: Just Stop It 91
Tipping 93
Attending a Party 93
Ears Are Our Friends! 100
A Note on Boredom 102
Be a Perfect Houseguest 104
Drinking 109
vii 34 Contents
Oh, What the Hell! Where’s My Cocktail Dress? 115
It’s Your Turn: How to Throw a Real Grown-up
Cocktail Party 115
The Mighty Martini: Don’t Mess with Perfection 118
More Drinks 122
Some Absurdly Easy Hors d’Oeuvres 122
The Smoking and Drinking Thing 125
Put on Those Big Boy Pants! 129
How to Throw a Real Grown-up Dinner Party 129
How to Set a Table: An Illustrated Guide 130
What the Hell Am I Supposed to Do with
These Flowers, Anyway? 133
Making Your Own Hostess Gift 137
A Word About Carnations 140
Have a Picnic! 141
The Holidays: Starting Your Own Traditions 143
Gravy, I Mean, Oh, Good God, Gravy 145
Tools 147
Oh, Please: Thanksgiving Edition 149
Why Thanksgiving Is the Best Holiday Ever 150
How to Make Your Own Christmas Tree 153
New Year’s Eve: The Greatest Party of the Year!
No Pressure at All! 159
Some Things to Do on New Year’s Day 160
Contents 34 viii
Affairs of the Heart 163
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do 163
The Upside of Being Single and Lonely! 166
Your Perfect Imaginary Partner 168
Don’t Give Yourself a Haircut When You’re Depressed 172
Other Things to Avoid When Drunk 175
Sorry About the Khakis Thing 176
Dating and Your Writing Skills 176
The Bells Are Ringing: What to Do for the Happy Couple 178
Your World of Finance! 183
Five-Dollar Latte or Buy a House: How Will I Ever Decide? 183
How to Go a Whole Day Without Spending Money 192
Hey, Mr. Artsy Pants 194
Budgeting Your Life: Boring, but So Satisfying! 196
It’s April 15: Do You Know Where Your Taxes Are? 199
If You Have Lots and Lots of Money 202
Serious Self-Sufficiency: No Blow Dryer?
We’re All Gonna Die! 204
Don’t Leave the Water Running While You Brush Your Teeth! 207
If Your Mom Still Chews Your Food for You 209
Whoa, Dude! Aren’t Your Roommates, Like, Kind of Old? 209
Your Very Caring Parents: Cutting Yourself off Life Support 210
Vote 212
Buy, Borrow, or Subscribe to These Magazines 213
ix 34 Contents
Do You Know? 214
Special Game Show Box by Special Guest
Writer Richard Goldman 215
Do You Know . . . What’s in the Bill of Rights? 216
If Only I Had Known: Things I Wish I’d Understood
Before I Hit Thirty 219
A Rather Random but Excellent Book List from
the Lovely Ladies of Book Group 224
In Conclusion 227
Acknowledgments 229
About the Author
Other Books by Christie Mellor
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher