Table Of Content!
K-lo
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Don’t Take Another Step Till You’ve Read
T 1
5)K»b Bot-6
THE * u/<wr
TOIKE
January27,1997 $79.99U.S./FREEINCANADA 2pU.K.
Snorting eggplants can
increase your self-esteem!
Corpse denied
life
insurance. claims
discrimination
Want to get rich quick?
Buy this paper!
andare
Chems Discover Caramilk Secret!
usingifto
Butdon’tworry,theyaren'tsharingitwithanyone.
destroythe REVOLUTIONARYNEWTECHNIQUETO...
how
Find out long
Earth!
you
will livel Die
Your
Personal
/e-o-scope
Toil
!
2 THETO/KEOIKE January27, 1997
COW
Five-legged
TOIKE
discovered!
Unprecedented Unusual
Sighting in American Midwest!
SouthDakota-Locatedinafieldratherinthemiddleofnowhere,
afiveleggedcowwasdiscoveredbyalocalcattle-raisingkingpin.
"Well,itwuzjuststandin’there,eatin’somesgrass”saidtheyokel
referredtoasBilly-Jim-Bobashechewedonastrandofhay.“I
reconI’veneverseenthatbefore.”
TheToikeInvestigativeTeam (TIT) wasdispatchedtothe
scene.Wheninterviewed,thecow,named“Nelly”wasquotedas
saying“mooo”.Whenpressed,however,Nellyrespondedwitha
terse“Idon’tdointerviews.ThemediakilledmyuncleinBritain.
Said he was mad. He wasjust trying to fight the oppression
imposed by those right wing extremist farmers who couldn’t
understand the social and cultural implications of...” blah blah
blah.
Thecowdeftlyavoidedtheissueofthefifthleg,thoughlocal
authoriteswereconvincedthatthefifthprotrusionwassomething
called a "tail”. Nellie had to be restrained from reporters by a
secondcow,andalocalmallard,whotoldthereportersto“leave
beforeshepoopsonyourcar."Thesecondcowwasheardsaying Thisactual untouchedsimulationshowswhatafive-legged
“wow,whatdoyouknow,atalkingmallard.” cowlooks like.
Five-legged
Talking
Cow SHAQ!
Saves
Mallard
Farmer From
Discovered
Aliens!
SouthDakota-TheTIT.whilereporting
South Dakota - A local farmer was anotherstory intheregion,wasspoken
nearly kidnapped by aliens while tobyamallard.Themallardsaid"leave
tending to his fields. A craft that was bmeaflolraersdheipnotoeprsvioenwsyouwrercaer.”cohnxideuncstievdc
"shapedlikethebowlIeatmyComFlakesin throughouttheregionwithmixedresults.
every momin'. Would y'all like some Cora Somewerequotedassaying"crack",but
Flakes?” It landed in the field, burning the mayhaveinfacthavebeen“whack"or
cropsunderneathitscircularunderbody. "back"andtherewereeven a fewwho
“Theylookedlikefunnylittlebuggers,short, chosetosay"knack".Mostrcspondants
ealylesw,hittweo,aalnbtiannon-alei,ket,wwoitahrmthseasendbitgwobllaecgks. sthaaitdothnelym"aqlulaacrkd"w,haondsiptoiksenotwotbheeliteevaemd
Theytoldmetheywuzgonna'takemeinto initiallywasinfactaduck.
space,seethestars'nallthat,anddosome
x-perimentsorsomethin'.And,ofcourse,
theanalprobes. SoItolds'emIhadtomow Toike Reveals...
thelawn,changetheoilontheChevyand How
all,andthatIcouldn't.Theypointedthis to Protect
funnylookin' lasergunatme,andmade
somechitteringnoises,likesquirrels.”
11wasatthispointwherethefarmer’sfive Yourself From Aliens!
legged cow, who was visibly upset but not
"mad”poopedallaroundtheship.Thealiens
went into a frenzy, ignored the farmer and Cowpatties.Itisnowrecommendedthattheworld’sinhabitantspurchaseacowtopoop
ferventlystartedcleaningtheshipwithlaser- aroundtheyardtopreventalienlandings.
cleanersandArmor-All™ forthevinyl trim, WAllNING:notguaranteedagainstshipswhohoverandpullyouupwiththatlight-
andtToohkeocffoawssroeofunsaesditcwoamsmernetas,onbaubtlypocolepaend. bmeaaymntohtifnugnyc.tAiolnsoasnoatdvgeuratrisaendt.eeSdidfeorefafllecatlsieinnsc.luCdoewodpoouorpsiasnodnhleyaaltdheyteyrarrednst.,and
byareporterscar.
GO SEE SKULE NITE 9T7! IT WILL BE AN
ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCE!
Justincaseanyofourotheradsweretooconfusing.
0 8
3
January27, 1996 THETO/KBOIKE
DOCUMENTS SHOW SHOCKING
EVIDENCE...
Space
Aliens
Have
Elvis’
"Lovemetender"
Brain!
and
-
they’re
using to
it
destroy the
TheToikeInvestigativeTeam MEMO:EvilAlienConquerers MEMO:
(TIT),workingwithfreelance BillClintontoBoris
ToBillClinTon,PresidenT,Uniied earth!
jionutrenlalliigsetnsceandsoNuorrcwesegiainn SPlraeTseisdeannT,dRBuosrsiisaYelTsin, YDeAltTsEi:n Dec.23, 1996 MEMO:
Glasgow,obtainedcopiesofthe CLASSIFICATION:Top BillClintontoBoris
wfWoealsrlheoiwningsgtmoudnogcgtulhmeredonutgsh,ouPwtahpiucoahf SSCeoUcnBrqeJuiEerCTE:artUhpcomingPlansTo Soifr,thisGuopocd.omiWnhgataldieonyaotutamcka?ke DYeAlTtsEi:n January 12, 1997
New Guinea. The documents DATE:December21, 1996 MEMO: BorisYeltsintoBill Sir, Anyway,aboutthealien
concern the possible use ofthe Clinton attack.
little-known“Earth-destroying” Sirs, DATE:Dec.27 1996
pTohretionmofeEmlovissPresspleeya’ksbrafion.r Elvis’ObnraiJnu.lyO1nthN,o19v8em1,bweers1tol,he, Sir, CMlEinMtoOn: BorisYeltsintoBill
themselves. 1996, we discovered how to use Weanalysedtheirattack DATE:January 16, 1996
the Earth- strategy. Ithasgoodchanceof
Destroying part
ofthebrain. We succeeding. Sir, Wearedead.
willuseittomake MEMO:
an Earth-
BillClinton
destroyingdevice toBoris
and destroy your
Yeltsin
planet(Earth). DATE:
Theverybest January I,
toyouinthe 1997
comingholiday
season.
TheOfficialNewsprint Sir,
withExquisiteTasteofthe Same
SETDAIFTFORW:RICToElRiSn:KnCoowllinesKnowles.ChrUEinnsigtviienarnesieBtroyisnoigfoTSoorcoienttyo CMYleElitnMstioOnn:toBBiolrlis houeuprreo.bnaGtchuoinessiss fEovretnheadovmainncoeudsSEtlevailsth‘‘fEiagrhtthe-rdeasitrrcroayfitnga’r’ebnroaimnatch
CONTRIBUTORS:DHMD(?).theMailBitches(Chris CLASSI- one.
JpAueDgoSipnlMbeAuhNwlAhoGonEedRnSRt:eorbPeadBurloouwArnn)dc,eornastenensd.taCllhrtihsetewnonTadyelrofrul PSFUIGBCJATEICOTN:: HappyNewYear,etc. MYeEltMsiOn: BillClintontoBoris
DISTRIBUTION:TheLadyGodivaMemorialBand DATE:January20. 1997
COMMUNICATIONSCHAIR:ChristianBosio UpcomingAlien MEMO: BorisYeltsintoBill
SCIPoNE.FCOIRAMLATTHIOANN:KSTThOe:ToJiukleieOWiiklekiinssaonn.aWpeplrloexriPmuablleislhying ADDteAtcTaecEmk:ber23, CDlAiTntEo:nJanuary3, 1996 Sir, Yep,deadasdoornails.
mEnognitnheleyripnugblSioccaiteitoyn.oTfhitshiessUuneivheardsitaycoifrTcuolraotnitoonof 1996 Sir. MEMO: BorisYeltsintoBill
SE1un0bg,s0ic0nr0eiecprtoiipnoignesSiontcfhiorertomyuagt@ihoo(nu4t1is6t)ahve9a7iU8ln-ai5bv3el7re7si.attytohfeTUoroofntTo. Sir, I'lldrinktothat. CDlAiTntEo:nJanuary24, 1996
Areyoustill MEMO: BillClintontoBoris
oDNtphoIiotSnsCiaeLlolAnoIfrseMteaEhxdRepe:rraesuTsthmsheoeardTyso,wisikahteahnirOdneiktdthehoiissisnpsodaetepnsnseieergcenoastersedhanru'timotloybnueerrce.efpsursTneahnsryeei.nlly aMlEivMe?O: Boris YDeAlTtsEi:n January5, 1997 ISi'rm,prDetetaydmduecahdddeeaadd.anOyhw,aywe.ll.
itnhdoisceatofedt,hebuUtotfheTyEndgoinreeeprriensgenStoctiheotsye,oufnlaelslsthseo YeltsintoBill Sir, Doesn’tbothermemuch. -
apteroaipdl.eBwehoverayreafgroaiidn.gtogiveyouPEYinterviews...be CDlAiTntEo:n Dec.23, You’lldrinktoanything. TfoikeFpoll” 1
TTCERE1e-nh0OlmMg:eRaKiiiB(RTnl4n6oEe:1gi7eS6'kt0r)[email protected]/el7EoteOR:y.FnToocthxaaae:driU(So4na1iM6vn)e5drSf9s-oi71tr8yAd-11oFf2l4Te5omrionngtoBuilding S1i9rY,9e6s. CMDlAEiTnMtEoO:n:JanB.or9i,s1Y9e9l6tsintoBill ||IItShheoualliYdNeeotns,h,aetItgtrdoayovcinkne’?gtrnwtmoaensntttottpordytiteh.oesmtoips ||||I
Sir, |playingrightintothealien’shands. |
Istrue.
2
4 THETOIKEOIKE January27, 1997
AfterBobDole’sguest
appearancesonLetterman, BillClintonandNewt
SSHuNodLld,leyCnwlooynoaSdnuasOgae’nnB,trsiewni,lland G“CIia’nlmlgprIaigicnghonroefCfoYincotiurarlilbIyultpleiagosanslsthIfe tPionauralecpSorhoealsfefanentrdTwohihullnsdcoeorntBianuye bCaacnkadNaewwilYloprlkanSttaotegiavfeter
realizehisamazingtalent YouIgnoreMine”Bill. fashionableway. realizingitcouldn’tputup
withthoseobnoxious
AwSghabiihnhsvodioeucowpthhwseirnBwwsmoiioslblnslhleaoDcvlwioernslrcac,aeshllha,uarldtaPliernas:iodmerfsMatb,yaautdaomnf.d wbUAScoymFireesOlrnhditoaiccobfakvidncieunrceMgtxwiipirdoele-nlrpstWobserietsntsthst.etohufenned AsBsieaifmllgtaalnegreireyncfgeooosrfbmcapbaaadllrsaabeetibcoinaooyilrnnldA,gal$nbaa1denb0rdottuhttehen QsTTWteuheaaseetemtb,lseeo.rtcshntIestpNneowpetisaelawrlltalotYsiiohtpsirtrtpsokodatNGuloluecttawhimseo.n
million,theChicagoWhite fromPEIwillsurely
FiveBobDoles,BobDole
BehavingBadly,BobDole: TheAnti-Christ(Aaron Soxpromisetothistime necessitatesomekindof
DTohlee-NweaxttchG,enaenrdatRioolna,nda. iSnpseildliionugs)pwlioltltcoonmteilntuethheis cRlEeaAnLuLpYbamseeabanllit.and punchline.
Networkexecutiveswill brainsofordinarycitizens. Areyoustillwithus?
DennisRodmanwillmaim
MNfaiBnyCal/lTySVgl-iemveeopvuwipietahfBtDoearbntDghoeelre?, Taeahnredtrhberquuwsaihlkfleisrb,eesa,fnladonoded.ri.un.pgt,oihoa,nnsd, wo1if4ttshhpaeecmBtiadtgiosrStsrpaobcnetgecdaeuhHsieamnodne bIaunbrdrsuiuctmotms,PaEruIynt:ifloUrOFTJOascaonwdiBleBllilll
(Snapelegslaoltiisnvtgea)rrraaictntigunagTslo.lryigets wTsanaiactro,fBsmeoglrrldyo.buw.rn.r.tihtaot’Iswjausstthe toshiuigtnngo.ffoAtrfhaetenNreBgwAet,rteihcneogrwkdiil$clk1ed CAthlbeioynutbtoentthaoepnpUeGSarrAeeobnneBcMaaauydseand
millioncontractwiththe Vancouver,whichwould
AfterO.J. isfoundguilty Superbowlprediction: ChicagoWhiteSox. haveallbeenresolved if
ssilanuayew,tyhm"eeerM.caiw”viyilblAleftqtriu1eairlde,itwdhlhyediotcwaihikltle.hisSo NFEinengawlliaEsnntdsgl3-a9Gn,rdG.ereSenceoBnraeBy:avNyse1w7. TsphaenUki.nSg.AnetawkePEoIutbrtihdege oSnkluylethNeiyteha9dT7g.onetosee
haSintidmngpasowikidleel,hgsieamtyti"hnHattehyte,heiOynJeg”.o,ff Y(Isseohoeuafdlacarsa,atn1ydterfaaeokrrae’sm1i?t.)atDboioduthtyeoitb.uank Thf“woabhorveeuci“ylapndougwlisbidleetloiwnncleaeeaaltteitrt.rhe”oaaudsgomnhistt”.tito SSchioenwtists
hishead. (Haveyouseen
hthiast,laatepstosvsiudme?o!??)Whatis TOontraornitooawfitlelrsietpiasrdaetceifdreodm Canada, inretaliation, ALcitfueaslalvyerDso
thatTorontotaxpayerswill will launchboththe
TheTorygovernmentwill payfor98.5%ofOntario’s warshipandthe Save Lives!
namethenewMegacity expenses. helicopter(andJoel)It
“Happyville” willannexNewYork
AshleyMaclsaacwillpiss State,sparkingwild A recently conducted study
Torontowill continuefor offsomebody.Orpisson celebrationsthroughout hasshownthatLifesaversCandy
yetanotheryeartohavea someone. theStates. canactuallysave lives.Thetests
professionalbasketball wereconductedwithcutelittlelab
team. Vancouverwill RitaMacNeillwillvisit TheToikewillmediate mice. The experiment involved
continueforyetanother PrinceEdwardIsland. PEI aconflictwhichwillbe 'droppingabrickfromaheightof
yeartohavean willsink. knownforyearsto fifteenfeetdirectlyabovethefurry
unprofessional basketball comebythedramatic littlecritters. One group ofmice
team. TheVarshittywillcontinue titleof‘theCanada- was not warned about the
toroyallyfckuppeople’s USConflict’. Toike droppingbrick,whileanotherwas
SkuleNite9T7willbeso names.Andeverything staffwillwallow in pelted with Lifesavers. Results
totallyandcompletely elseaboutitwillcontinue fame, fortune, and showedthatafull83%ofthemice
awesomethateachand tosuckto. Specialthanks multitudesofbeautiful which had a Lifesaver survived!
everyOscar™winner’s toStevenHarris. people.Andfortune. Resultsforthefirstgroupwerenot
acceptancespeechwillbe allthatoptimisticforthemice.
"I don'tdeservethis.That
coolcatapultfromSkule Scientists are looking for
Nite9T7does.” humansubjectstoseeifthistrend
canbeappliedinsociety.
January27, 1996 THETOIKEOIKE 5
Stunning photographic evidence shows
they’ve been raising a city of Elvis clones
underwater!
byGOOKYWITHERS
ToikeOceangrapher
ATLANTIS
- Elvis
Presley never really
died! He lives on in an
army ofElvises being
prepared to fight
Armageddon!
For the last six months, I have
beenlivinginAtlantiswithahordeof
Elvises. Last month, I was finally
allowed to speak to mastermind
behind this plan, John McDonald.
Hereismyexclusiveinterview!
GOOKY: So,whendidyoucomeup
with idea ofgoing underwater and
buildinganarmyofElvises?
MCDONALD: Thangyaverymuch. Well,I THEARMYOFELVISESpreparestofighttheapocalypse. Notethereareseveralinmilitarydress.
wasflyingovertheAtlanticoceanwhenmy
polcaenaen,crawshheedr.e I1tfsouunkndtoththeeLboostttoCmiotfytohef MYoCuDOcaNn’AtLaDrg:ueCwoitmhethoant!.. I’ve gota photo! GloOsiOnKgYfi:ftyWpoowun!dsA?ndwhatisthismethodof
Atlantis™. That’swhentheideafirstcameto
mscipeva.icleiTsaahtleiionenn.sIWulhesfeetrdientotIhcaeodnLvtoaasncttceCeddittthyee™cghotnvooerlreontgmuyernnttht,eo tGbhuOetOwhaKoywY,:ifsoHraogniwvaervemmryeyotffrourEelaivsinksdieensegdgtfohoierngsoubrtveoi.osutBsoy,p MrpeaCaydDmeeOrnsNtmsAaLyofDoS:r3d9e.rO9ht5h,.isIbSgoeronokdwfcwoaresaohrnylo.yrtsBhtruaetmepyesoaustyro
whoapprovedofmyplanandgavemesome theApocalypse? 10 King’s College Road, Room B670. No
EalnvdisbeDgNaAn.usTinhgenthIewEelnvtisb-amcakkiunngdemracthheinseesa MCDONALD: Well,itswrittenintheGreat warranteeexpressedorimplied.
tomakeElvises. BshoaollksotfopAttlhaenAtpiosc™atlhyapts“eAanndarhmeyreo’fsEalvgirseeast GOOKY: Iwilldoso. Thankyouforthegreat
priviledgeofbeingabletointerviewyou.
GOOKY Skepticsmightsaythattherewas way to lose fifty pounds by sitting on your
nAtelvaentrisa,n:ayndplyaonue’rcermasahk,intghearlel’tshisnoup.city of cIdoiuoctshowfaTthcehmisneglv'eAsmeornicHaonmCereVtiidneso.Ma”king MCDONALD: Thangyaverymuch.
D1DYOU
KNOW?
Toike
The17thletter
ofthealphabet
Welcome once again to the isQ.
abridgedversionofthemailshed.
Itsa
meanwDeWhahiryl?Teoibkea:ckattheranch... aaefnrdsvotedmalrmoSppeneeidspw,pistlsehye’ldffso-'uCr1hporcooolfastoefCpourvcehraesde FEa-xn:oi(l4:16m)p)9r7we9l-l1@8i3<5lire<J.tmn Toronto,1O18n-5t(84a0C1ro06il)o-lCe9M0g7eP59YT-SWt2rE19e1P4e172t fact!
LB.Dumfounded Supplies(plain orwithnougat) or
reasonablyhanddrawnfacsimilesto
DearDumfounded: P.O.Box5252,stationQ,Hackensack
Wedon'TthkenoBwi.tches OHIO. Comeagain. The Toike Needs Writers!
Pleasenotethatwewaitin
Hereendeththeworld'sshortest incertitude for the arrival ofa And illustrators! and
mailcolumn. Thankyouforgivingus plethoraofentriestoour‘WINTHIS
yourundividedattentionfortheextensive MAILROOM’contest. Ifyouthink cartoonists! and someone to
lengthofthisarticle,mostofwhichis you have what it takes to be a
thislittleparagraphhere. Weapologize mailbitch (five minutesa month, edit the dang thing next year!
fortheshorteningofthisarticle,however, sharpwitandacrankydisposition)
duetothisimportanceofthisimageof pleasedropusaletterinthetoike
theAlaskanGiantAbominableSquirrel, mailbox.Thismatterwillbeupdated Interested? Writeordrawsomethingfunnyorsenditto
Vtheentirearticlecouldnotbeprinted.For intheupcomingissue. [email protected]!
afulllengthtranscriptofthisarticlesend
THETOIKEOIKE January27, 1997
AMERICASSEXIESTPSYCHIC!
^ebedioh LOToikeVOike E
the
T^onder f)sycliic ^/llama.
LetJebhelpyou! Writeto himc/othe byDHMD,0T0Aliek‘TheMasterofLove’
Toike Oike 10 King's College Circle Room
[email protected]. Wellforward Okay, so it’s Valentines Day It’s thateasy! Now rejection
yourletters to him. again (well, close to Valentine’s letters, there’s aproblem. Whether
Day... ok, fine, mid-January) and you’re an illiterate Engineer or a
Canada everybodyisouttofindthatperfect mathe(m1a)ticallyhandicapped artsie,
Will poem,song,orlovelettertosendto writingaDearJohn/Jane lettercan
theirspecialboyfriend/girlfriend/life be a real bitch-goddess-from-hell.
partner/cellmate(or bitch)/stalking Hereareafewsimplerulestogetyou
attack the U.S. victim. Unfortunately^ for us started:
Engineers,weknowlittleaboutthe
many intricacies ofthe English Write only one letter. This
language. However,twothingswe pointcannotbeemphasizedenough
with nuclear doknowaboutaremathandscience; Writingmorethanmaybeconsidered
sowhynotuseittoouradvantage. stalkingandispunishablebyfineor
Inotherwords,takeaformulafrom imprisonment.
missiles? mathorscienceandchangethewords (2)Sayingyoudon’twanttosee
(whichistosayplagiarize)sothatit yourpartnerisgood.Sayingyouwant
becomes a love letter. Take this toseethemdeadisbad.
DearJeb: When I wasa DearWorried-Yes.heis. fwohrimcuhlathferowmoradnal“yatnigcleg”eohmaestrbyeeinn mail,(d3)oInfotyoewnclsoesnedotrheatlteatctheravniya
yEtooubnicgokec,hiCladn,adaI. lIilveefdtthiant Dtorniivgehta.stakethroughhisheart replacedwith“angel”: deada(4n)imIfaylosuorrppaerotpnelreh(asseedersutlero(y3e)d)
countrywithmostofmyfamily Youaresuchacuteangel your life, that is bad. Ifyou have
whenIwasthreeyearsoldbut DearJeb: Willmyparents Nootherangelsaregreaterthan destroyed their property, that is a
forthe past four decades I’ve disownmeiftheyfindoutI’ve orequaltoyou. felony (I always seem to have a
kothenapttutpchlotohsseeereti.rnasciAkdnioodfuwsIhaCntao’nwasdgtiohaiinnnsgk cwbhaeascrtoaemrekeidd,actachoeuyntpnarenovtf?eersWslhietoenmnaelI Imwyisahcuttoebeanpgaerla.lleltoyouforever, probleAmnwditnhotwhitsoocnoen)clude,hereis
have missiles aimed at the watchcharteredaccountantsso a sample rejection letterthat I put
gdWehotiottimnJesgedbrHa,eoyaudsyIteh’teomo-rfiiarsnentodtthneutmth!seywo’hmroee IdmFio’asrmdatephapefrrpouaavpisedwtoaftfrohudwerhsyma’oltlonIft’shmtsfridIofohnitagnevlgeey.n ^ tabolggauenitkdhseelrwiijntuehs,taafnonyrdtyhyoionuugpyecooaupnlwefailInltt’:sinontlhye
bthealtiecvoemseesvedroywdnootmhesdlianye.stBourty mhialvleioancbhialnlcioentodobllraerask.inNtoowtheI ,hat
thistime,I’mafraidthethreat bigtimeandmakesomegood
eiIwIstsahvh’ktaeormentenllaloelltDCiw.thoeaeteosarnyI.kusraottih-udhrnoN-NoagpcenewaergrhientvvtasoIohosts’uuemysUytes:.oohwSuuemi.rnroIommrtfFpini'oeasoslgrrsiwtgtiteatohrlarnh.auresdeneys mhdmaSloaooyrnmnweaepaiDagytndrheeyeL-eanyabmktr’kusnlyt.eloFICwrarwiCeeiotylaatyanocnht’tufit?yuo'lnodv-es:uohFibiattpeeilitTclfwhhoiifmtmet’ueleyhll Wo^fh°k(at4ct)a,alrlnen'(ea°sn)nsdt:hftofehu5'pl*°edk^rsw5eeoee^nsobhefouHutetl^Kod°P2g.Weooep^v|efer-,
anaccountant-yourex-fiancee
pointed at the strategic
government points in the stionlcdethleefmttmhoenctohusntargyo.anTdhehyirveed (fsert Y°urNameHero)
UnitedStates. It’salsotruethe ahitmannamedFredto “do"
Belgians are stockpiling
erensoerrvmeso,usandatshseaEunlgtliswhahfaflvee yhouuh.? Guessyou screwed up, (g1u)y
(2)
pggacnbmooecooeeocucvwscedreeses.sonrasretmngaseeretmIdyhseh,eTnatitFtVsonvorueptecaprhnhaneoupcliygtarrwhrsoaeaiaspvyvmnriiusisfelnbd.opulEueronsipmAigemannltdittoiodniismunoanhoyorngl-f rIambs’eteovsafyretroeetarabeuDeredmree.aIoaannngntrioedSneyhtvbJhooeuentaursbavoill:ebnlwdeeysbtIbssehauWaeqmncniunokcilrrewtllusehospnetsftmhiuonanolywngr?I gaBinordlscbrerxeoDlagoetylsunsero,eus, eLTCfSDStuteoxPGrnatuaTierMonpmrTxtaBBrlryaCeoperCJkoaanoirmtCnllrocoeenrrvtention ttbs(io3noeot)saolattvkaleleutdldhpeefmdtodyhrWeoixrscineavdracotoiwpvsse95
theseCanadianmissiles. Inthe wWiolrlrtihiendgstiunrnasrooumnedsoootnh?er- U.S.Senate pukedonthefloor
fmuytursee1rvwiilclecsonwthineuneetvoeprrotvhideey Americancity (4) mscaadreedftahrteiongldnoliasdeys
requestedby our cretin... er, Dear Worried: Hang in myparents
governmentleaders. there. Replaceyourfree bat therestrainingorder (5)
guano withfreepeanuts, and thewarrantforycurarrest reload
vhIsea’mshpeiDbreeaeae?rnvaJHaemcebtp:isinarIgyses?wmh-eyeirWbidsronor’lttarh,tieebrleuydat. yyywoooiutuuhri''llrnllehssatataavmrueotrnaltmnohtat.skmioonoOfgcrpheaiaotnppglrlfeoerfaeisiettn tmmhyyeboa“Puursitegeoxhs-uttalloiatdyi”ngprsohobtlgeumnIjust rebneetbpceuroriolmtdgehremaaywmniuthnnoeussseprotection
SisterinAlabama. peanuts. mycontinuingbattlewith domoredrugs
hemorrhoids takeupaxethrowing
trytheothersex
becomeallama
! .
January27, 1996 THETOIKEOIKE 7
STM
Iwillcrushthe
rebelsas easily
as Icrushthis
mss handfulofair!
The Special Edition
PREVIEW!
byZarcin,
HikeEntertainmentCorrespendent
Asmaywellbeaware,GeorgeLucasisrereleasingthe
firstStarWarsTrilogytotheatres,completewithenhanced
specialeffects,restoredscenesandnewfootage. TheToike
IitnsvelsatbiygartiinvtehiTneeamwe(bTITo.f..Hbooly,lythwaotondevceorngneetcstoilodn.s.,.),hwaivteh
uncoveredscriptfragmentsofthesenewscenes. Herewepresenttothese
actual,uncutscriptfragments.
YODA
ThefirstnewscenetakesplaceinStarWars-itshowsDarthVader’s Always with you the "These are aren't the
arrivaltotheDeathStar. droids you're looking for" trick! Every
five minutes, "These are aren't the droids
FADE IN: you're looking for!" "These aren't the
4 SHUTTLE BAY (FX) droids you're looking for this, these
aren't the droids you're looking for that."
The SHUTTLE lands majestically in the shuttle Enough already with the "These aren't the
bay. GRAND MOFF TARKIN and rows upon rows of droids you're looking for."
Stormtroopers and Imperial Officers await the
arrival of the Dark Lord. LUKE
But it was really cool.
The shuttle ramp lowers. DARTH VADER descends
ominously from the shuttle and surveys the rows YODA
of Imperial Soldiers. When Jedi Master you be, will so annoying
you be? Wanna know you how Obi-Wan did
"These aren't the droids you're looking
VADER
My, it sure is hot in here. for?" Tell you will I. He slipped them a
fifty. Freeze frame it - see it will you.
Music cue: The Stripper
LUKE
VADER rips off his cape and twirls it once,
twice, three times before tossing on to the head But I wanted to go to Tashi Station to pick
of a nearby Stormtrooper, who reacts with glee. up some power converters!
He then pulls off his gloves one finger at a
YODA
time and throws them into the crowd before
removing the rest of his clothing, until he is Like you some cheese to go with that whine?
left wearing only his helmet, Luke Skywalker Oy vey.
UnderRoos™, and two tassles on his nipples,
which he twirls seductively. Finally,anewscenehasbeenaddedtoReturnoftheJedi. Lucasfeltthe
sceneatveryend,whereLukeseesthespiritsofAnakinSkywalker(his
TARKIN father),Obi-WanKenobi,andYoda,wastooquiet,sodecidedtohave
Perhaps we should adjust the thermostat. thespiritsgiveLukesomefinalwordsofadvice..
145 EWOK VILLAGE (FX)
AnothernewscenetakesplaceonDagobah. GeorgeLucashasincluded
previouslyunshownscenesofLuke’sJeditraining. LUKE leaves the festivities in the village and
34 DAGOBAH (FX) looks over to see the Force-spirits of ANAKIN
LUKE is balancing R2-D2, SKYWALKER, OBI-WAN KENOBI, and YODA.
two stones, and his Lava
Lamp in a single pile YODA
using the Force. Three words for you, Yoda has: Ewok-skin
mocassins. Make pisspots full of money
YODA will you.
Yes... Force is your
ally... Jedi used the OBI-WAN
Force for knowledge Don't eat yellow snow, Luke.
and defense, never for
attack... Fry not - slow ANAKIN
roast, or slow roast The answer, my son, is 42.
not. There is no fry.
Look for these scenes when the Special Edition hits
LUKE theatresonJanuary31
But when are you going
to teach me how Ben did
that cool "These aren't TOIKEHP:InStarWars,whileLukeandtheothersaretrappedinthetrash
the droids you're compactor,lookatthestormtrooperontherightwhenthestormtroopersenterthe
looking for" trick? roomArtooandThrecpioarein. Weinsertedaspecialscenetherebackin1977.
8 THETOIKEOIKE January27, 1997
Toike-o-scope
Who knows what 1997 holds? You mill after you read award-winning
psychic Jebediah the Wonder Psychic Llama’s Predictions for 1997!
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You’rescrewed.
If your birthday is today: Hey
Sagittarius - Everything you decide this (name),yousuck,eatasackofshit.Happy
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LOUE ! LUCK ! ROMANCE ! MONEV ! FAME ! HEALTH ! FOOT ODOUR
Joike Contest Results!
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