This Is Not the Life I Ordered: 60 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down

196 Pages·2019·2.3 MB·English

by  Deborah Collins Stephens et al.

Praise for This Is Not the Life I Ordered
“This book is an object lesson in the power of friendship—and the power
of perseverance. The four fearless women who wrote it share their
remarkable stories—featuring incredible highs and heartbreaking lows—
and in the process show us how to overcome the fears that limit us. It's
funny, inspiring, and practical—often all at the same time. Put the most
entertaining episode of TheView in a blender with Divine Secrets of the Ya-
Ya Sisterhood, and you'd get This Is Not the Life I Ordered. It's a book
you'll want to order a stack of, so you can share it with your girlfriends and
your daughters.”
—Arianna Huffington, author of On Becoming Fearless “I wish I had this
book thirty years ago. What a welcome source of inspiration and insight.”
—Linda Ellerbee, journalist, award-winning television producer,
bestselling author, breast cancer survivor, and mom “Even before you hear
their stories, you feel their strength. When these four women came into my
office, I knew I wanted to be a part of their mission. Readers will find
themselves engulfed (in a good way) by their spirit.”
—Gerry Laybourne, founder of Oxygen Media
“Kudos to the amazing strength of these women! This book is the needed
inspiration to survive the worst luck and circumstances that catch women
unexpectedly. Stories of almost unimaginable pain and tragedy: the death
of loved ones, being witness to mass murder, the loss of an esteemed job
after years of loyalty, and reversal of fortunes. But more importantly, these
are stories of individual strength to transform shock, despair, and paralysis
into . . . unexpected happiness.”
—Amy Tan, bestselling author of The Joy Luck Club “A must-read for all
women and the men who love them.”
—Rita Moreno, actor and winner of an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy,
Tony, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom “This book captures real-life
moments—from overwhelming hardships to triumphant outcomes. It
echoes hope on every page and gives insightful inspiration to get us
through life's daily challenges. I love this book and all the threads of
wisdom intricately sewn through each page. Best of all it is done with
girlfriends—who have been my greatest support system. After you read it,
you will realize that so much of your potential is just waiting to be
released.”
—Debbi Fields, founder of Mrs. Fields Cookies
“This is the book you need when it is 2:00 a.m., and you can't sleep
because things in your life are not the way you hoped they would be. It is
filled with the support and wisdom you would get from your friends, and
more. It contains inspiring and true stories as well as the tools to help you
move to the other side of whatever obstacles might confront you. It will
comfort you and give you courage.”
—Anne Robinson, cofounder of Windham Hill Records
“These women inspire us to go for the gold in our lives. They all deserve
10s!”
—Kristi Yamaguchi, gold medalist figure skater
“A moving book, full of hope and encouragement. I laughed and cried but
always felt uplifted!”
—Jessica McClintock, founder and CEO of Jessica McClintock, Inc.
“You'll want to buy a copy of this book for yourself and every woman you
care about. The inspiring real-life stories prove that you can overcome
anything life throws at you, if you put your mind to it. These refreshingly
honest stories will buoy your spirits and give you the clarity and courage to
make your life what you want it to be now, not someday. Read it and reap.”
—Sam Horn, bestselling author of Tongue Fu!

This edition first published in 2019 by Conari Press, an imprint of
Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
With offices at:
65 Parker Street, Suite 7
Newburyport, MA 01950
www.redwheelweiser.com

Copyright © 2019 by Deborah Collins Stephens, Michealene
Cristini Risley, Jan Yanehiro, and Jackie Speier
Foreword copyright © 2019 by Rita Moreno
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced
or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any
information storage and retrieval system, without permission in
writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief
passages. Previously published in 2009 by Conari Press, ISBN:
978-1-57324-413-8.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-737-5

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available
upon request.

Cover design by Kathryn Sky-Peck Interior illustrations © John
Grimes Interior by Deborah Dutton Typeset in ITC Garamond,
Gill Sans, and Trajan
Printed in Canada
MAR

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
www.redwheelweiser.com/newsletter
This book is dedicated to brave and courageous women who light
the dark for all of us.
Life is good. Life is short. May you achieve your dreams. May
you also be wise enough and generous enough and kind enough
to help another woman achieve hers.
THE AUTHORS
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction to the Second Edition: Hope Remains a Strategy
(Always)
Preface: Slightly Less than Worst-Case Scenarios
Foreword, by Rita Moreno
CHAPTER ONE
MANAGING MISFORTUNE
1. Convene a gathering of kitchen-table friends.
2. Transcend misfortunate events.
3. When left on the tarmac, start walking.
4. When life is not what you ordered, begin again.
5. Learn the secrets of the blue-haired lady.
6. When you are standing at the edge of the pool, jump in.
7. Listen to the children.
WIT Kit Tools for Managing Misfortune
CHAPTER TWO
LEARNING TO LOVE MISTAKES
8. Be willing to make great mistakes.
9. Give up thinking that you can do it all.
10. Create “to-don't” lists.
11. Never underestimate yourself.
12. Don't wait until you are depressed or desperate (or both) to
network.
13. Don't believe that to succeed you must be “more like a man.”
14. Move on, move up, or move out.
15. Trust in God, but row away from rocks.
16. Listen to your inner voice.
17. Realize that risks are part of the package.
WIT Kit Tools for Learning to Love Mistakes
CHAPTER THREE
MAKE COURAGE AN EVERYDAY COMPANION
18. Know it's the obstacles in the stream that make it sing.
19. Realize that courage often means letting go.
20. Develop a funny bone.
21. Walk through fields of fear.
22. Be brave on your own behalf.
23. Earn your own red badge of courage.
24. Let yourself cry when Tinker Bell dies.
25. Wear a courage bracelet.
26. Know that courage isn't only for heroes.
WIT Kit Tools for Making Courage an Everyday Companion
CHAPTER FOUR
UNDERSTANDING MONEY
27. When you are short on dollars, be rich in spirit.
28. Learn the lessons from the dream house on Chateau Drive.
29. Don't wait until your financial DNA is on life support.
30. Realize that Ozzie and Harriet are long gone.
31. Follow your cash so it doesn't end up in someone else's pocket.
WIT Kit Tools for Understanding Money
CHAPTER FIVE
WHEN LIFE IS NOT WHAT YOU
ORDERED, BEGIN AGAIN
32. Never say never.
33. Just sit with it.
34. Invent a secret language for change.
35. Say the unsayable.
WIT Kit Tools for When Life Is Not What You Ordered
CHAPTER SIX
REINVENTING YOURSELF
36. Recognize that chocolate has to melt in order to take a new
form.
37. When dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
38. Don't take the crumbs; you're here for the whole cake.
39. Be grateful the dog didn't pee on the carpet.
40. Don't complain; create.
WIT Kit Tools for Reinventing Yourself
CHAPTER SEVEN
CARRYING WHAT CANNOT BE FIXED
The Club No One Wished to Join
41. Laugh in the dark.
42. Form a Merry Widows Club.
43. Build your own “kitchen cabinet.”
44. Ask for help.
45. Change your environment, change your life.
46. Just clean something.
WIT Kit Tools for Carrying What Cannot Be Fixed
CHAPTER EIGHT
FACING NAYSAYERS
47. Persist.
48. Listen to your beliefs, not your doubts.
49. Take back your power.
50. Refuse to be imprisoned by your past.
WIT Kit Tools for Facing Naysayers
CHAPTER NINE
REBOUNDING FROM MISTAKES, MISERY,