The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics

47 Pages·2014·3.02 MB·English

The Speculative Grammarian
Essential Guide to Linguistics

Trey Jones
Keith W. Slater
Bill Spruiell
Tim Pulju
David J. Peterson

Speculative Grammarian Press
Washington • (cid:3)(cid:4) • Mount Pleasant • Hanover • Santa Ana

© MMXIII Speculative Grammarian and the editors and authors of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical
means (including photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval) without written permission
from the authors, except that articles may be copied for not-for-profit educational use.

Speculative Grammarian, SpecGram, and all related indicia are trademarks of and © Speculative Grammarian.

All previously published works are used by permission of the original authors, or were in the public domain
at the time of publication.

Speculative Grammarian is a virtual organization with offices, editors, and contributors worldwide. You can
contact SpecGram at [email protected] or on the web at http://SpecGram.com.

Speculative Grammarian Press • Washington • (cid:3)(cid:4) • Mount Pleasant • Hanover • Santa Ana
East Lansing • Houston • Santa Barbara • አዲስ አበባ • • Αθήνα • Chicago • Erfurt
Galveston • ᐃᖃᓗᐃᑦ • Москва • Nauru • (cid:4)(cid:2)(cid:1)(cid:3)(cid:6)(cid:5)(cid:5)(cid:8) (cid:7) • New Orleans • Paris • Parnell • Reykjavík
Rome • (cid:2)(cid:4)(cid:5)(cid:1)(cid:3) • (cid:5)(cid:7)(cid:6) • ᏓᎵᏆ • თბილისი • ופי-ביבא לת • (cid:1)(cid:2) • Vienna • Երեւան

First edition published 2013. v1.003

ISBN 13: 978-0-615-84586-9
ISBN 10: 0-615-84586-X

This book was typeset by Trey Jones in the Gentium, P22 Underground, and Trajan Pro font families—
despite the nefarious will and ongoing sabotage of Microsoft Word.
Table of Contents
Preface xiii
Introduction 1
Linguistics: The Scientific Study of Language 3
An Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form—Anonymous 3
European Linguistics in the Late 19th Century—Tim Pulju 5
Saussure and Bloomfield: The Question of Influence—Tim Pulju 8
Extract from an Interview with Eglantine Lady Fantod, Dowager Professor of 10
Philology at Cambridge University—Freya Shipley
Scientific Linguistics—James Coffey and Mark Matney 12
Why Linguistics Doesn’t Care—Xerxes Yuniqqi Zikiwik 14
Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists—Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr. 17
Ten New Commandments for Linguists—Transcribed from the original 19
Stone Tablets by Trey Jones
The Effect of Lax Rearing Practices on Speech Patterns—Douglas S. Files 20
We ’Uns Need Us a Prescriptive Grammarian— 21
Appalachian Regional University
Phonetics 23
The Itsy Bitsy Air Puff—Yune O. Hūū, II 23
Flow, Flow, Flow Your Air—Yune O. Hūū, II 24
Eating the Wind—Claude Searsplainpockets 25
Linguistics Nerd Camp (Wandering Street Phonetician)—Bethany Carlson 29
Phonetics Roadshow—Transcribed by Freya Shipley 30
Pivotal Moments in the History of Linguistics—John Miaou and Kean Kaufmann 32
Ruminating on Consonants—Werinda Clover 33
Linguistics Nerd Camp (Labiodental Articulators)—Bethany Carlson 35
Hunting the Elusive Labio-Nasal—Claude Searsplainpockets 36
Phonology 39
Letter H and N-G—Yune O. Hūū, II 39
Granular Phonology—Keith W. Slater 41
Mandarin Tone in Historical Epic Quest Perspective—Jamin Pelkey 43
The Hidden Language of Public Seduction—Claude Searsplainpockets 44
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Syllables—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. 48
Phonotronic Energy Reserves and the Tiny Phoneme Hypothesis— 49
Dr. Equus Q. Quagga
Rotokan Revelations—Franny Irchow 52
viii The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics

Phonological Nursery Rhymes from Linguistics Land—Yune O. Hūū, II 54
There Was an Old Linguist
Low, Low, Lower Your Vowels
/ini˥ mini˦ maɪni˧ mo˨/
How to Speak to Foreigners— 55
Claude Searsplainpockets & Helga von Helganschtein y Searsplainpockets
Shigudo, Reluctantly—Sir Edmund C. Gladstone-Chamberlain 57
Morphology 69
Baa-baa, Reduplication—Yune O. Hūū, II 70
Morphemes—A New Threat to Society—Council On Morpheme Abuse 71
Variation in the English Indefinite Article—Tim Pulju 73
Systematic Suppletion: An Investigation of Ksotre Case Marking— 76
Lawrence R. Muddybanks, Ph.D.
Examination of the Raartong Language VI—The Intoxicational Affix— 81
J. S. S. van der Fort
Exploring Penguin Causatives—Robert F. Scott 84
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Ergativity—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. 86
A Reanalysis of English Cat—Hoam L. E. Orange, Ph.D. 87
An Optimality-Theoretic Account of Split-Ergativity in Southern Quiznos— 90
Hans Forz
What is a Morphome?—David J. Peterson 92
Pluralses: On the Use and Abuse of Multiple Plurals— 95
Edited by Trey Jones and G. Edward Johnson
Syntax 97
New Speech Disorder Linguists Contracted Discovered!—Yreka Bakery 98
The Biological Basis of Universal Grammar—Maiya Sershen 99
A Taxonomy of Argument Schemata in Metatheoretic Discussions of Syntax— 102
Anonymous
The BS Node: Proof That Lines Can Cross—Knotta Gnome Luvver 104
The BS Default: A Reply to Luvver—I. M. Shirley Wright 105
An Analysis of easy-Type Adjectives—A. Word 106
Toward a Universal Typology of Noun Phrases—Cynthia Polarczik 108
Infinity and Beyond: A Prolegomena—Bjorn-Bob Weaselflinger 109
Linguistics Nerd Camp (Pyramid Model)—Bethany Carlson 111
Modern and Historical Graphical Representations of Structural 113
Relationships in Spoken and Written English Sentential Utterances—
Nattapoŋ Yunloŋ Seuŋyoŋ
Semantics, Pragmatics, and Discourse Analysis 123
Maxims of Grice—Yune O. Hūū, II 123
What Part of ‘No’ Don’t You Understand?—Strang Burton 125
Table of Contents ix

Tridekavalent Verbs of Telenovelity in Mydlováskji—Śūnyatā Qoɣusun 126
Thurn and Taxonomies—Panini Press EuroSprachGames 128
Dup Evidentials—Tim Pulju 129
Greek Particles—R.S. Sriyatha 130
On Logophoric Pronouns—John Miaou 132
Cathartic Grecian Maxomes—Anne Thrax 133
A Meta-Analysis of Article Length vs. Quality— 136
Alfraad vonn Güügënschnëchtën & Mo d’Qi
Sociolinguistics 139
The Out-of-Towner’s Lament—Bill L. Poe 139
Grey Duck or Goose?—Sven Slater and Ollie Bickford 140
A Sociolinguistic Study of Bilingualism in the Rio Grande Valley— 143
Hiroko Nakamura and Jimmy Battaglia
An Introduction to Familial Linguistics—Herr E. Ditarie 145
Notes on Sociophonology—Lea Kim Shopmont 148
The Sociolinguistic Impact of Hippie Linguist Naming Practices— 150
ɹɒbɪn O’Jonesson
Carcassonorant—Panini Press EuroSprachGames 153
Typology 155
Typology, Typology—Hymns for the Reverent Linguist (1845) 156
A New Basic Word Order: VOV—Arnold P. Fasnacht 157
Language Evolution and the Acacia Tree—Sean Geraint 163
Linguistic Topology—I. Juana Pelota-Grande 166
Rating the World’s Languages—Dikembe Mutombo and John Thompson 170
Re-Rating the World’s Languages— 171
Waxaklahun Ubah K’awil and José Felipe Hernandez y Fernandez
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Non-Configurational Languages— 173
Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.
Acquiring Isolation—The Peculiar Case of Ghwǘǜb— 175
Tashel M. Kaithe and Valencia R. O’Shaughnessy
Comparative and Historical Linguistics 185
Beowulf ond Godsylla—Tom Weller 185
Reconstructed Proto-Franco-Sino-Indonesian—Eleven Examples—Tim Pulju 186
Progress in South American Protolinguistics—Robert Norris 187
A Reconsideration of the Sino-Kiowan Problem—Tim Pulju 189
Toward a New Classification of the European Languages—Dr. Medved Sem 192
Are Turkish and Amharic Related? Are They Ever!—April May June 194
Language Reveals Origins of Divinity—Right Reverend Michael Ramachendra 196
x The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics

A Reinterpretation of Some Aspects of the Indo-European Expansion— 198
William C. Spruiell
Sociohistorical Linguistic Semiotics and Systemic Theory—Lynn Poulton 200
Grammaticalization in an Inflationary System of Signs—Frederic de Saucisson 202
Where Have All the Evidentials Gone?—R.M.W. Fillmore 205
The Life and Death of an Anonymous Verb—John Miaou 208
Ask Mr Linguistics Person—Mr Linguistics Person 209
A New Mechanism for Contact-Induced Change—H.D. Onesimus 211
The Linguist’s One Foundation—Hymns for the Reverent Linguist (1845) 212
Linguistic Fieldwork 215
To the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time—Robert, Earl of Herrick 216
How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork—The SpecGram Editorial Board 217
On the Applicability of Recent Theoretical Advances in Linguistics to the 219
Practice of Fieldwork—Elwin Ransom
How to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European—Tim Pulju 219
How to Get a Reputation as an Impressive Fieldworker—Phil Dwork 220
Up the Mind’s Nose; With the Mind’s Finger—Claude Searsplainpockets 221
Eidetic Pronouns—Claude Searsplainpockets 225
The Laziest Language on Earth—Claude Searsplainpockets 227
Mid. after-Nguyen Knap—Mandy O. Chyryry 229
Classifying an Andean Language—Rodrigo Diaz 233
The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages— 236
Edited by Qing Daixia, Brad Davidley, Van Geordriem, Chap Hillerell,
Hans Ingalillson, Mat Jamisoff, Ed Jerrymondson, Ben Pauledict, Hong Sunkai
The XT-21 Uzi/Tape Recorder—Dirk’s Academic Supplies 237
Speakers of Klhatkp for Hire—Klhatkp Confederacy 237
!Kanga Tribal Research Resort—Terry Mulkern 238
The Prudent Fieldworker’s Guide to Preparation and Packing— 241
Professor Athanasious Schadenpoodle
Linguistics Applied 249
The Learner’s Task—Keith W. Slater 250
The Narcolinguistic Effects of Professional Athletic Strikes— 251
George E. Will, Bruce Arena, Larry James Bird
A Corpus-Linguistic Approach to Demography—Morten H. Albert 253
Comestible Morphosyntax—H.D. Onesimus 254
A Stratificational Approach to Making Macaroni and Cheese—Tim Pulju 257
How Many is Umpteen?—Ura Hogg 258
Valence and Violence: How Language Shapes Political Acts—Laurel L. Laura 260
Ready! Fire! Aim!— 261
François Achille Bazaine, Guy de Maupassant, Ambrose Bierce
Table of Contents xi

Linguistics for Lazy People—Psammeticus Press 264
Linguistics Colloquium Traveler—Keith W. Slater 265
What is Linguistics Good For, Anyway?—Jonathan “Crazy Ivan” van der Meer 266
Computational Linguistics 269
Peter’s Parser—Yune O. Hūū, II 270
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—The Trouble with NLP— 271
Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Statistical Machine Translation— 272
Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.
Recision and Precall—Jonathan van der Meer 273
The Fictional Foundations of Natural Language Processing— 275
Aisling Ní Rudaí & Paddy O’Furniture
Parsers in the Cloud—Cruella Žestókij-Grausam 276
A Preliminary Field Guide to Linguists— 283
Professor Athanasious Schadenpoodle
Studying Linguistics 289
Dissection—Bryan Allen 289
How to Cheat at Linguistics—Geoffrey Sagum 291
How to Get a Ph.D. Without Really Trying—Dr. Wolf Kitty, B.S. Ph.D. 292
Writing a Fieldwork Dissertation—Kai Tak Suvarnabhumi 295
Learn to Speak Swadesh in One Hundred Easy Lessons!—Panini Press 297
This Little Linguist—Yune O. Hūū, II 298
Spaz Attack in the Corner—III 298
A Yonge Philologiste’s First Drynkynge Poime—Anonymous 299
A Young Philologist’s First Drinking Poem (translation)—
Allister Barnard Cavendish Donglewood Edmund Featherstone-Glatton, IV
In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream—Keith W. Slater 300
Linguistics Nerd Camp (Marsha and Her Thesis)—Bethany Carlson 300
Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics—Trey Jones 301
How to Spot Fabricated Data—Tim Pulju 302
The Native Speaker Fallacy—Keith W. Slater 303
Linguistic Love Poetry 305
λ♥[love]—Christine Collins 306
The Phonetician’s Love Poem—Epiphanios o Phantasiopliktos 307
My Love is Like a Colorless Green Simile—Rasmus Burns 308
Love Queries of a Linguist—John Miaou 309
How Do I Love Thee?—Alex Savoy 310
Val Harmony—Edgar Allan Slater 311
xii The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things— 313
Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ
The SpecGram Story 319
Appendix A: A Self-Defining Linguistic Glossary 321
Appendix B: What is That Mess on the Cover? 327
Endnotes 329
Acknowledgements 333
Credits 337
Preface
or, Why a book, why a no chicken?
SP ECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN (KNOWN TO
its devotees1 as SpecGram), is
recognized by linguists all over the
world—in international powerhous-
es like the United States and China,
in post-communist relics like North
Korea and Cuba, in up-and-coming
countries like Brazil and Malaysia,
in strife-torn nations like Iraq and
Canada, even in mundane little
places like Belgium and Lesotho—
in short, as we said in the first place,

among linguists all over the world,
An Early Engraving of the Σπεκουλάτωρ Γραμματεύς
SpecGram is now, always has been, (‘Executioner-Scribe’) at Work
and ever will be recognized as… as…
Sorry, we forgot what we were going to say. thus saving you the work of trolling through
Give us a minute. the merely superb as you search for the truly
Okay, now we remember. SpecGram is the most superlative. (We have also included some not-
prestigious online linguistics journal that any of quite-so-superlative articles whose authors
us has ever edited. And anyone who disagrees is paid us large sums of money. Just for fun, you
an idiot. could try to figure out which are which.)
Wait a minute, you’re saying. Are you telling
2. We’ve included introductory material for each
me that SpecGram is available online? For free?
chapter, as well as introductory material for
Well, we didn’t mention the free part, but yes, all
each article, which in most cases is so inform-
of the articles published in this book, and many
ative that you can dispense with reading the
more, can be read for free online at the Speculative
articles altogether. This is a great timesaver.
Grammarian website (http://www.SpecGram.com)—
We ourselves follow the same policy with
which might make you wonder why we think
great literature, having read the dust jackets
you’d be interested in paying for this book. So
of many famous novels.
here are several good reasons.
3. When people read SpecGram online, we don’t
1. The online articles are uniformly excellent,
get any money. And we need money, ever
but some are even more uniformly excellent
since we invested most of the employee pen-
than others. We have chosen only the best
sion fund in Greek government bonds. We’ve
of the best for inclusion in this anthology,
tried selling ad space, but we can’t find any-
one who wants to be associated with so dis-

1 Of whom there are more than a monolingual Pirahã speaker could reputable a journal.
count.