The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith

225 Pages·2009·0.98 MB·English

by  John W. James

T H E
G R I E F R E C O V E RY

H A N D B O O K
20th anniversary expanded edition
T A P
HE CTION ROGR A M FOR
M B D D
OVIN G EYON D EATH , IVORCE ,
O L
AND THER OSSE S
H C F
INCLUDING EALTH, AR E E R , AN D AITH
John W. James and Russell Friedman
For the son I never knew.—J.W.J.
For my mom—you were my champion!—R.F.
And to all of you who are moving beyond loss.
Contents
Introduction ix
part one: SEEING THE PROBLEM
How to Use The Grief Recovery Handbook 2
1. Grief: A Neglected and Misunderstood Process 3
Grief and Recovery 6
Staying Open to Grief 7
Grief Recovery: How Does It Work? 8
An Incomplete Past May Doom the Future 9
2. Compounding the Problem 11
Confusion About Stages 11
What About Anger? 12
Common Responses 13
Getting Over or Getting Complete 15
When Is It Time to Begin to Recover? 16
iv Contents
Suicide, Murder, AIDS, and Other Tragic Circumstances 18
The “G” Word 19
Survivor: Another Inaccurate Word 20
There Is Nothing Wrong with You 21
3. We Are Ill Prepared to Deal with Loss 23
We’re Taught How to Acquire Things,
Not What to Do When We Lose Them 24
We’re Taught Myths About Dealing with Grief 26
Participating in Your Own Recovery 35
Loss of Trust 36
Practice Makes Habits 37
4. Others Are Ill Prepared to Help Us
Deal with Loss 39
They Don’t Know What to Say 39
They’re Afraid of Our Feelings 41
They Try to Change the Subject 42
They Intellectualize 43
They Don’t Hear Us 45
They Don’t Want to Talk About Death 46
Professional Distortions 47
They Want Us to Keep Our Faith 49
5. Academy Award Recovery 52
Enshrine or Bedevil? 53
We Want the Approval of Others 54
“I’m Fine” Is Often a Lie 55
We Begin to Experience a Massive Loss of Energy 56
We Experience a Loss of Aliveness 57
Contents v
part two: PREPARING FOR CHANGE:
STARTING TO RECOVER
6. Your First Choice: Choosing to Recover 61
Who Is Responsible? 62
Your Second Choice: Partnership or Working Alone 66
Finding a Partner 67
7. Setting the Guidelines 69
Initial Partners Meeting 69
Making Commitments 70
First Homework Assignment 72
Review Thoughts and Reminders 74
Second Partners Meeting 75
8. Identifying Short-Term Energy Relievers 77
Short-Term Relief Doesn’t Work 79
Identifying Your Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors 81
Second Homework Assignment 82
Third Partners Meeting 83
9. The Loss History Graph 85
Compare and Minimize 86
Loss History Graph Examples 86
What Goes on the Loss History Graph 97
Third Homework Assignment: Preparing Your
Loss History Graph 98
Time and Intensity 100
Learning from Your Loss History Graph 102
Fourth Partners Meeting 103
vi Contents
part three: FINDING THE SOLUTION
10. What Is Incompleteness? 109
How to Identify What Is Incomplete 111
Choosing a Loss to Complete 113
More Help Choosing the First Loss to Work On and
Questions about Other Losses 114
11. Introducing the Relationship Graph 115
The Relationship Graph Is Different from
the Loss History Graph 115
Completing Is Not Forgetting 116
Accurate Memory Pictures: Your Part 117
Truth Is the Key to Recovery 118
Even Long Illnesses End in Unfinished Business 119
Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations 120
The Relationship Graph 122
Fourth Homework Assignment: Making Your
Relationship Graph 129
Dawn of Memory—the Death of an Infant 130
Fifth Partners Meeting 134
12. Almost Home: Converting the Relationship
Graph into Recovery Components 136
Apologies 136
Victims Have Difficulty with Apologies 137
Forgiveness 138
Significant Emotional Statements 140
Fifth Homework Assignment: Putting It All Together 142
Sixth Partners Meeting 143
Contents vii
Moving from Discovery to Completion 145
Final Homework Assignment: The Grief Recovery
Completion Letter© 145
Important Note 151
Final Partners Meeting: Reading Your Letter 151
What Does Completion Mean? 155
Stuck on a Painful Image 157
What About New Discoveries? Cole’s Window Story 158
More Help with Relationship Graphs and
Completion Letters 160
13. What Now? 161
Cleanup Work 162
part four: MORE ON CHOICES AND
OTHER LOSSES
14. More on Choices—Which Loss to Work on First 169
Start with Relationships You Remember 169
Other First Choice Concerns: Hidden
or Disguised Choices 171
15. Guidelines for Working on Specific Losses 174
Death or Absence of Parent from an Early Age 174
Infant Loss and Infertility 178
Alzheimer’s—Dementia 179
Growing Up in an Alcoholic or Otherwise
Dysfunctional Home 181
Unique Loss Graphing Situations: Faith, Career,
Health, Moving 182
viii Contents
Moving 194
Miscellaneous Tips 197
The Final Word 201
The Grief Recovery Institute: Services and Programs 203
Acknowledgments 206
About the Authors
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction
It is unlikely that a person would wake up one morning and
say, “Grief, what a concept, I think I’ll make it my life’s work.”
That is not how it happened for either of us. We are John W.
James and Russell Friedman, and together we represent the
Grief Recovery Institute.
Here is a little outline of our lives, the institute, and the evo-
lution of The Grief Recovery Handbook.
John was thrust painfully into this arena by the death of a
child in 1977. After discovering a successful process for com-
pleting his grief, he continued his career in the solar energy
design business. Acquaintances who had heard of his loss and
recovery experience brought their friends who were dealing
with loss. Soon John was spending as much time with grievers
as with contractors, and finding his work with the former more
rewarding. After a while, he realized that grief recovery was
what he was meant to do. As a direct result of John’s awareness,
the Grief Recovery Institute was established.
Russell’s introduction to grief recovery came not as the