Table Of ContentChapter Title Here Please 1
The Complete Guide for
THE
ANXIOUS
GROOM
How to Avoid Everything That Could
Go Wrong on Her Big Day
Steven Lewis
New Page Books
A division of Career Press, Inc.
Franklin Lakes, NJ
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2 Book Title Here Please
Copyright 2004 by Steven Lewis
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright
Conventions. This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form
or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,
or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter
invented, without written permission from the publisher, The Career Press.
THE COMPLETE GUIDE FOR THE ANXIOUS GROOM
EDITED BY AND TYPESET BY KATE HENCHES
Cover design by Cheryl Cohan Finbow
Cover Photograph by Gary Jung
Formal wear for cover courtesy of Varsity Formal Wear
807 Franklin Ave., Franklin Lakes, NJ 07417, varsitytuxedos.com
Printed in the U.S.A. by Book-mart Press
To order this title, please call toll-free 1-800-CAREER-1 (NJ and Canada:
201-848-0310) to order using VISA or MasterCard, or for further
information on books from Career Press.
The Career Press, Inc., 3 Tice Road, PO Box 687,
Franklin Lakes, NJ 07417
www.careerpress.com
www.newpagebooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lewis, Steven M.
The complete guide for the anxious groom : how to avoid everything that
could go
wrong on her big day / by Steven Lewis.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 1-56414-747-9 (pbk.)
1. Bridegrooms. 2. Weddings—Planning. 3. Wedding etiquette. 4. Betrothal.
I. Title.
HQ745.L49 2004
395.2’2--dc22
2004040877
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Chapter Title Here Please 3
Dedication
To my wife, Patricia, of course.
She’s still the one.
For Danny and Bay.
And decades down the road,
for Clay, Devin, Connor, Rory,
and whatever other boys brighten our lives.
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Chapter Title Here Please 5
Acknowledgments
I
would like to thank Arlene Dubin, Betty and George Gaynor,
my old pal Richard Gaynor, Mike Halminski, Ruth Hayden,
Julie Isaacson, Andrew Kossover, Dr. Cynthia Pizzulli, Stacey
Sheeley, Dr. Marj Steinfeld, Tricia Townsend, the fine people at
prenupKit.com, the California Society of CPAs, and all the really
good-spirited contributors to this project.
Special thanks to Ed Knappman at New England Publishing
Associates.
PP
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Chapter Title Here Please 7
Contents
Introduction 9
Part I: Warm-Ups
Chapter 1: Lacing Up Your Sneakers 15
Checking in with your future father-in-law and asking
his blessing—not his okay.
Chapter 2: Grabbing the Championship Ring 25
Some good, solid, unambiguous, man-to-man advice
about choosing the ring of your girlfriend’s dreams
Chapter 3: The Playbook 37
Eight Fill-in-the Blank Proposal Scripts
Chapter 4: The Real World of Engagement Stories 51
PP
Real people tell real engagement stories.
Part II: The Long Season: The Engagement Year(s)
Chapter 5: The Give and Go 69
Some reflections on maleness, duty, work, partnership,
political correctness, and above all, love.
Chapter 6: The Game Plan 77
Step-by-step preparations for any wedding of any size or style.
Chapter 7: Contract Time 93
What the whole deal costs in real dollars and pounds of flesh.
Chapter 8: The Xs and Os 107
Your financial and legal rights and responsibilities.
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8 Book Title Here Please
Chapter 9: 10 Taboos for the Bachelor Party 123
The 10 big don’ts.
Chapter 10: Shooting For the (Honey)Moon 131
Part III: June Madness
Chapter 11: A Gentle Reminder: 149
Some reflections on the ineffable magic of love and marriage.
Chapter 12: Weddiquette 157
Includes the 11 reasons why it’s definitely not cool to push
wedding cake in your bride’s face.
Chapter 13: Sex and the Not-So-Single Single Guy 165
How to turn the pressure of the wedding night into the plea-
sure of each other’s company.
Chapter 14: Going to the Line 175
Testimonials From men and women who have been there.
Part IV: Post-Game Wrap-Up
Chapter 15: The First Day of the Rest of Your Married Life 189
Talking the talk; walking the walk;
and laughing all the way home.
Chapter 16: What Makes a Perfect Husband 201
Married and divorced women tell you what it takes.
Afterword 211
Appendix: Crunching the Numbers 213
Price charts for diamonds.
Index 217
About the Author 223
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Introduction 9
Introduction
I
t’s been more than 35 years since I slipped on the existential banana
peel and breathlessly hitched my lucky star to the smart and sexy
Patti Henderson of New Orleans, Louisiana. Frankly, I still don’t
know how it happened. But here’s the rough-cut chronology:
1. April Something, 1968: I am an unfocused, unkempt, un-
derachieving three-time dropout from the University of
Wisconsin. I am also desperately in love with a girl from
the Deep South whom I had first kissed just a few wintry
months before. With absolutely nothing to offer my new
love except the promise of a most unpromising future
with a poet, I ask her (or maybe it was beg her) to sus- PP
pend her better judgment and spend the rest of her days
with me, a 21-year-old New York Jew with no degree, no
career to speak of, and no foreseeable prospects. Lord
knows why, but she says yes.
2. A 60-second kiss later, panicked that she will change her
mind in another 60 seconds, I lead her by the hand around
the narrow cobbled streets of Cambridge, Massachusetts,
and into a secondhand shop where I pull every cent I own
from the lint in my frayed jeans pocket and buy an antique
opal ring. We are thus unofficially, officially engaged.
3. August 25, 1968: Patti and I follow her mother’s detailed
instructions and take the ferry from New Orleans across
the Mississippi River to Algiers to get a blood test, for what
9
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