The Chic Diet: The Dietary and Psychological Tactics of the Urban Elite

204 Pages·2014·0.61 MB·English

by  Kit Olsen

THE CHIC
DIET

T D & P
HE IETARY SYCHOLOGICAL
TACTICS OF THE URBAN ELITE

K O
IT LSEN
T C
ABLEof ONTENTS

FOREWORD
THE FUNDAMENTALS
C
IGARETTES
C (B , )
OFFEE LACK NATCH
D C
IET OKE
A
DDERALL
A
MBIEN
A S
RTIFICIAL WEETENERS
C
HEWING GUM
S
PARKLING WATER
C
HAMPAGNE
THE MECHANICS
O
VERDIGESTION
B
EING COLD
D
IURETICS
F
IBER
L
AXATIVES
C
OLONICS
I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HEALTHY
J
UICE CLEANSING
G
LUTEN SENSITIVITY
D
ETOXING
E
ATING CLEAN
S
UPERFOODS
H B
EALTH EVERAGES
C W
OCONUT ATER
N -
ON DAIRY MILKS
B
ARS
A
CUPUNCTURE
G O
ENERAL RTHOREXIA
E
XERCISE
UM, IT'S NOT A FAD... IT'S A LIFESTYLE
V
EGETARIANISM
T B F D
HE ABY OOD IET
T A D
HE IR IET
T P D
HE ALEO IET
T R L C D
HE IDICULOUSLY OW ARB IET
T S S D
HE TRATEGIC TARVATION IET
T R F D
HE AW OOD IET
T O F D
HE NE OOD IET
T T C D
HE WO UP IET
T HCG D
HE IET
T C S D
HE ABBAGE OUP IET
T I-C ' -S -I D
HE ANT EE T IET
T I' -F -R - -G D
HE M UCKING ICH AND LAMOROUS IET
HIDE IT, BETCH
B
LACK
S
PANX
B
OHO CHIC
O
NE SIZE DOWN
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S ILLEGAL
C
OCAINE
MDMA
V D
ALLEY OF THE OLLS
B D P
ANNED IET ILLS
FODDER FOR YOUR SHRINK
C
OMPETITION
M
ODERATION
C
OMPROMISE
L
YING
H P D
ISTRIONIC ERSONALITY ISORDER
B T B
EING A OTAL ITCH
S
TRESSOREXIA
ALL THAT OTHER CRAY SHIT
O
CCASIONAL VOMITING
C - -
HEW AND SPIT
H
YPNOSIS
T
HINSPIRATION
P
UBLIC EATING
A P S T W
ICTURE AYS A HOUSAND ORDS
S C
HARING IS ARING
C
OACHELLA
B ,
OO YOU WHORE

F
OREWORD

The chic girl is something of an enigma. Girls either hate every last ounce of her
soul or want to be her best friend. Boys are either enthralled or repulsed by her.
Her doctor is concerned for her, yet wants to know all of her tips and tricks. The
sales staff at Barneys fucking loves her. Bathroom attendants loathe her.
Everywhere she goes, people simply turn and stare. Who, oh who, is that
incarnation of chicness? She is captivating yet despicable, attractive yet
controversial, beautiful yet monstrous. Simply put, she is fabulous.

Everyone knows that a chic girl has more issues than Vogue, but who cares?
She's obvi something of a thin guru. People always want to know how the chic
girl maintains her glamorously gaunt figure. How does she get her arms so thin?
Her stomach is so tiny! Does she do Bikram yoga? Is she a flexitarian?
Vegetarian? Vegan? I saw her holding a green juice—does she cleanse? What
does she eat for breakfast?

Unfortunately for the adoring public, chic girls are notoriously selfish and
discreet. She will simply mumble something about grilled chicken breasts or
Pilates before quickly changing the subject. No matter how hard others press,
she will never divulge her svelteness-inducing secrets. But guess what? I will.

I'm here to dispel all of your preconceived notions of the chic elite's dietary,
social and cultural habits. Her bumbling response of "a combination of a
balanced diet and exercise" is, well, a big fat lie. I really don't think that half a
pack of Marlboro Lights, an Adderall and a soy cappuccino from Starbucks
constitutes a balanced meal. In all truthfulness, the chic girl is a cray ol' betch,
and her diet and exercise regimen mirror that completely.

I know that it might be, like, gauche of me to spill the secrets of my chic
brethren, but the rest of the world has a right to know. So I've gone ahead and
compiled a really long list of some tactics that I have observed my friends and
colleagues employ in order to lose weight. And I'm, like, a really good source
because I went to a super legit fashion school and I did a bunch of internships at
really fancy places. Basically, I've gotten bitched at by a ton of totally chic people,
many of whom I have observed starving, weeping and doing all of the things that
I describe in this book.

Just so you know, this book is totally just FYI and is completely satirical. Like, I
just want to make you laugh, or something. No one should take any of this to
heart or use it as some sort of handbook for turning into a cray psychotic betch.
Like, I really love the people in my life, but they're kind of terrible. I mean,
they're obvi unhinged and their habits should definitely not be emulated. Plus, no
one could actually accomplish all of the things listed, as some tactics completely
contradict some others.

Or maybe you would just become, like, the ultimate chic girl. She is, after all, a
super fake, manipulative, lying and uptight sociopath. But she has really cute
Prada shoes. And a super hot Saint Laurent bag. And, like, really skinny legs.
Then again, maybe that's all that matters, right?