The Behavior Survival Guide for Kids: How to Make Good Choices and Stay Out of Trouble

177 Pages·2003·2.935 MB·English

by  Thomas McIntyre

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“A sensitive and thorough title for all collections.”
—School Library Journal
“Excellent material.”
—Voice of Youth Advocates
BEHAVIOR
THE
SURVIVAL GUIDE
FOR KIDS
HOW TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES
AND STAY OUT OF TROUBLE
Tom McIntyre, Ph.D.
Edited by Marjorie Lisovskis
Copyright © 2003 by Tom McIntyre, Ph.D.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Unless otherwise
noted, no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without express writ-
ten permission of the publisher, except for brief quotations or critical reviews. For more information, go
to www.freespirit.com/company/permissions.cfm.
Free Spirit, Free Spirit Publishing, and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trade–
marks of Free Spirit Publishing Inc. A complete listing of our logos and trademarks is available
at www.freespirit.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
McIntyre, Thomas, 1952–
The behavior survival guide for kids : how to make good choices and stay out of trouble /
Thomas McIntyre.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-57542-132-1
1. Problem children. I. Title: How to make good choices and stay out of trouble. II. Title.
HQ773.M35 2003
649'.153—dc21 2003004565
eBook ISBN: 978-1-57542-822-2
Free Spirit Publishing does not have control over or assume responsibility for author or third-party
websites and their content. At the time of this book’s publication, all facts and figures cited within
are the most current available. All telephone numbers, addresses, and website URLs are accurate
and active; all publications, organizations, websites, and other resources exist as described in this
book; and all have been verified as of March 2010. If you find an error or believe that a resource
listed here is not as described, please contact Free Spirit Publishing. Parents, teachers, and other
adults: We strongly urge you to monitor children’s use of the Internet.
For privacy reasons, the names of the kids and teachers who are quoted in this book and included in its
stories have been changed.
The study referenced in “It’s Tough to Be a Kid with BD” (pages 11–12) was conducted by B. Behre,
T. McIntyre, and K. Rogers (1993) and is reported in “They Tell Me I’m Crazy: Student Responses to
Being Labeled Behavior Disordered,” Perceptions,27(4), 12–13.
“20 Adults You Might Talk To” (page 45) is adapted from “Adults Who Can Help” in How to Take the
Grrrr Out of Angerby Elizabeth Verdick and Marjorie Lisovskis (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 2002),
pp. 24–25. Used with permission.
Reading Level Grades 4–5; Interest Level Ages 9–14;
Fountas & Pinnell Guided Reading Level T
Cover and interior book design: Marieka Heinlen Printed on recycled paper
Assistant editor: Douglas Fehlen including 30%
Illustrations: Chris Sharp post-consumer waste
Photograph: Cindy Huang
Index: Kay Schlembach
Free Spirit Publishing is a member of the Green
Press Initiative, and we’re committedto printing our
10 9 8 7 books on recycled paper containing a minimum
Printed in the United States of America of 30% post-consumer waste (PCW). For every
S13970610 ton ofbooks printed on 30% PCW recycled paper,
we save 5.1 trees, 2,100 gallons of water, 114 gal-
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Free Spirit Publishing Inc.
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Minneapolis, MN 55401-1299 our goal to nurture not
[phone] only young people, but
[email protected] nature too!
www.freespirit.com
DEDICATION
While I was writing this book, I thought a lot about the students I
used to teach who had behavior disorders. We learned many things
from each other. So I want to dedicate this book to them.
I also want to dedicate the book to my mom, dad, and brother, who
have always supported me. My wife Cindy and my young daughter
Savannah Ying have joined them in making my life fun and rewarding.
THANK YOU
Even though my name is on the front of this book, it’s important to
let you know that I was part of a team. Many people helped me to
write the book. I would like to thank them:
Thanks to Ms. Dorota Koczewska and her students who have behav-
ior disorders. Many of the quotes from kids came from their class.
Other teachers like Ms. Kirstin Larson and Mr. John Schmidt read
the book before it was finished. They told me ways to change the
book to make it even better. Dr. Beth Russell, a principal, also
reviewed the book and gave me good ideas. So did Ms. Denise Poston,
a researcher and parent of a kid who has been working on making
good choices. Another helper was Ms. Debra Carlson, who works with
parents of kids who have behavior disorders.
The person I worked with the most was Margie Lisovskis, the edi-
tor of this book. This hard-working and funny lady helped me to
write things better so that you could understand them well. She also
gave me some great ideas to use in the book.
Other people at Free Spirit Publishing worked to make this book a
good one, too. Judy Galbraith, Free Spirit’s president, came up with
the idea for the book and asked me to write it. Douglas Fehlen found
lots of information that I needed and worked with Ms. Lisovskis to
help me write a better book. The wonderful cover was drawn by
Marieka Heinlen, who also designed the pages inside. An artist named
Chris Sharp drew the cartoons.
YOU
Now I want to thank for reading the book! Good luck to you
as you work hard to make your life better.
CONTENTS
MEET DR. MAC vii
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
INTRODUCTION: HOW THIS BOOK CAN HELP YOU 1
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
How to Use This Book 3
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Write to Dr. Mac 5
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
THE SIX GREAT GRIPES OF KIDS WITH BD 6
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 1: WHAT IS BD? 7
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What Does BD Mean? 7
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What BD Does NOT Mean 10
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It’s Tough to Be a Kid with BD 11
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..
CHAPTER 2: DIFFERENT KIDS, DIFFERENT CAUSES FOR BD 14
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. Kids Who Need to Learn How to Make Good Choices 15
. . . . . . . . . . . .
2. Kids Whose Brain Chemicals Are Mixed Up 16
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3. Kids Who Learn in a Different Way 17
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
4. Kids Who Want Attention 18
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
5. Kids Who Feel Angry and Want to Get Back at Someone 19
. . . . . . . .
6. Kids Who Feel Bad About Themselves 19
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 3: WHY AM I IN A PROGRAM FOR KIDS WITH BD? 22
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
How Did the School Decide That I Have BD? 23
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What Is in My IEP? 24
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Why Aren’t I in the Regular Education Class? 26
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What If I Don’t Want to Go Back to Regular Classes? 29
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 4: FOUR SMART CHOICES FOR DEALING WITH FEELINGS 33
. . . . . . . .
How Can I Tell the Difference Between a Bad Choice
and a Smart One? 34
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Smart Choice #1: Build Your Self-Esteem 38
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Smart Choice #2: Talk with Someone You Trust 44
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Smart Choice #3: Write or Draw 46
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Smart Choice #4: Chill Out or Get Moving! 47
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 5: ANOTHER SMART CHOICE
FOR DEALING WITH FEELINGS 49
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Smart Choice #5: Stop, Think, Choose, and Think Again 50
. . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 6: THREE SURVIVAL SKILLS
FOR DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE 62
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. Ignore Mean Words and Actions 63
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2. Be Assertive 66
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3. Say “I” Instead of “You” 69
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 7: WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF
MAKE GOOD CHOICES IN SCHOOL 73
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Be Prepared 74
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ask for Help from Others 75
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Five “Tricks” to Help You Track Your Progress 76
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 8: WAYS TO GET ALONG BETTER WITH TEACHERS 88
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Say Nice Things to Teachers 88
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Let Teachers Teach 90
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Make Suggestions with Questions 91
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Make a “Sandwich” 93
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Use “Behavior Mod” 97
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Use Your Skills Together 100
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 9: WAYS TO MAKE AND KEEP FRIENDS 103
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Say Nice Things to Others 104
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ask People About Themselves 105
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Give a Helping Hand 106
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Take Part in Activities 108
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Choose Friends Carefully 111
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 10: WAYS TO HELP THE ADULTS AT HOME HELP YOU 113
. . . . . . . . . . .
Use Talking and Listening Skills 115
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ask for Help with Your Goal 117
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Take a Time-Out 121
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Set Up a Point Sheet Together 123
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 11: MORE IDEAS FOR FEELING GOOD AT HOME 126
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tell Family Adults About Your Good Choices 127
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Be Sure Your Teachers Share Good News 127
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Make a Plan to Solve Problems 128
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Do Kind Things for No Reason 131
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Say “Thanks” 132
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Take Care of Yourself 132
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
CHAPTER 12: SEVEN WINNING WAYS
TO WORK TOWARD POSITIVE CHANGE 135
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. Remember the Golden Rule 136
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2. Take Responsibility for Your Actions 137
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3. Don’t Use BD As an Excuse 138
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
4. Be Patient and Persistent 140
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
5. Learn from Experience 140
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
6. Think About Your Future 141
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
7. Know That You CAN Beat BD 142
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
GLOSSARY 148
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SOLUTIONS TO SOME OF THE CHALLENGES AND QUESTIONS 154
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
RESOURCES FOR YOU 158
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
WHAT ABOUT RESOURCES FOR GROWN-UPS? 162
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
INDEX 163
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
FORMS TO COPY AND USE
Ready Replies 60–61
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Goal Record 84
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Beat Your Previous Best 85
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Shaping Plan 86
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Contract 87
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Score Points at Home 125
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Taking Responsibility for Choices 146–147
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
MEET DR. MAC
Hi! I’m Tom McIntyre (Mack-in-tire). I have worked in schools with
lots of kids who have behavior disorders (BD). Today, I am a professor
at Hunter College in New York City. I teach teachers how to work bet-
ter with kids who have BD. I visit these teachers’ classrooms and talk
with their students. The teachers and students call me Dr. Mac. (“Dr.”
stands for “Doctor.” In my case, this doesn’t mean that I practice
medicine. “Doctor” is also a title for people who go to college for
eight years so that they can get a doctoral degree.) I have a Web site
that helps parents and teachers work well with kids who are trying to
manage their behavior better. It is called “Dr. Mac’s Amazing Behavior
Management Advice Site.”
When I have free time,
I like to hike in the woods
where there’s peace and
quiet. If I’m looking for
excitement, I paddle my
kayak on river rapids.
M
—DR. AC
vii

Introduction
HOW THIS BOOK
CAN HELP YOU
•
Do you get in trouble a lot (even though you try to do the right
thing)?
•
Do you have problems following the rules in school and at
home?
•
Do you have a hard time sitting still or staying in one place?
•
Do you have problems learning because you can’t stop thinking
about your feelings?
•
Do you hit people or yell at them when you’re angry or upset?
•
Do you have trouble making friends and keeping them?
•
Do you sometimes feel really sad?
•
Do you feel bad about who you are and the things you do?
•
Have you stopped trying to behave well because you don’t think
you can?
YES
If you said to any of these questions, this book is for you!
1