The Anger Habit in Parenting: A New Approach to Understanding and Resolving Family Conflict

176 Pages·2005·3.72 MB·English

by  Carl Semmelroth

A nger
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A nger
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A New Approach to
Understanding and Resolving
Family Conflict
Carl Semmelroth, PhD
Copyright©2005byCarlSemmelroth,PhD
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Semmelroth,Carl.
Theangerhabitinparenting:anewapproachtounderstandingand
resolvingfamilyconflict/byCarlSemmelroth,PhD.
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1. Anger.2. Childrearing.3. Habitbreaking. I.Title.
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VP10987654321
To Judith M. Smith and Donald E. P. Smith
whose 1964 work, Child Management:
A Program for Parents and Teachers,
led the way for disciplined child management
without anger and threats.

Table of Contents
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ix
Introduction: How to Get the Most Out of This Book . . . . . .xi
Chapter 1: The Anger Chain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Chapter 2: Making and Enforcing Rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13
Chapter 3: Who’s in Control Here? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31
Chapter 4: Using Our Own Unhappiness
to Control Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51
Chapter 5: Withholding Family Inclusion
as a Parental Anger Tool . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .69
Chapter 6: Parental Anger and
Childhood Self-Importance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .89
Chapter 7: From Caring to Emotional Deception—
A Slippery Slope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .107
Chapter 8: Children’s Attention, TV, and Parents’ Anger . .125
Chapter 9: Keeping the Imaginary Aspect of
Relationships Helpful . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .139
Chapter 10: Cultivating Attitudes That Help You
Parent without Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .161
About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .163
Acknowledgments
Forty years have passed since the publication of Smith and Smith’s
book Child Management: A Program for Parents and Teachers. Those
exciting days in Ann Arbor, Michigan, with uncountable numbers
of discussions with Don Smith about child management, child
development, and the foundations of behavior change continue to
be a reference point for me and greatly influenced this book.
My wife, Sara Semmelroth, has been my partner for forty-six
years, as a mother of our five children, as a partner in our private
counseling practice, and always as an initiator for trying new
things. Helping others is as instinctual for her as breathing. As
with previous books, she was the first person to read the original
draft of each chapter as it was written, and her comments and
reactions were my initial signals as to whether I was on track or
had lost my way.
Our daughters, Melissa and Jean, also watched over the book as
it came into being. Melissa is my self-appointed private cheer-
leader. She is always there with encouragement and believes in me
with superhuman tenacity. Jean applies her brilliant, but patient,
question asking to each chapter as it is written and provides exam-
ples from her own family experience. Jean and Steve’s daughter,
our seven-year-old granddaughter, Kathy, is the exemplar of those
children who will never submit to another person’s will.
Louise Waller, my editor, continues to apply her magical power
to my writings, which, like a philosopher’s stone, transforms them
into books. I continue to receive, entirely undeservedly, the bene-
fit of her skills that were honed in a career as psychology editor for
several large publishing companies. I am grateful.