Spring 2009

32 Pages·2009·18.86 MB·English

by  The Cornell Lunatic

CORNELL
LUNATIC
SPRING 2009 / HUMOR MAGAZINE / FREE
Are you interested
The Staff
in comedy?
Do you lack even
Co-Editors-in-Chief: the most basic sense of
human dignity?
Marc J. Campasano ‘11
Ben D. Strauss ‘11
Are you desperate
for attention?
Executive Editor
in Absentia:
The Cornell Lunatic
Lindsey C. Crump ‘10
Needs:
Writers, Artists, Layout Editors,
Sergeant-at-Arms:
Web Designers,
David J. Watts ‘11 Astrophysicists, Alcoholics,
Cat Hair (and Dander) Allergy
Sufferers, Divorcees,
Business Manager: Aristocrats, Aristocats,
Non-Threatening Drug Dealers
Joshua A. Gomberg ’09
Email us at
[email protected]
Layout Designer:
to find out how *you* can get
Regine L. Mechulan ‘11 involved!
The Cornell Lunatic:
Staff/Writers:
Laughter Guaranteed or
Ian Taylor ‘12 Your Tuition
John Flanagan ‘12 Refunded in Full!
Joshua Mitrani ‘12
Ben Reich ‘11 The Cornell Lunatic is an independent
student organization located at Cornell
Nevin Sharma ‘09
University, produced and is responsible
Robert Hovden grad
for the content of this publication. This
publication was not reviewed or ap-
proved by, nor does it necessarily ex-
press or reflect the policies or opinions
of, Cornell University or its designated
representatives.
The Cornell Lunatic 2
The Cornell Lunatic
Campus Humor Magazine
Founded 1978
Owned and Published by the Cornell Lunatic at Cornell University
Table of Contents
4. Letter from the 22. Skirtoff’s Email
Editors 23. The Castratos
5. Ben Strauss’ 26. Legends on the
Horrible Pun of the Hill
Month 27. Seymour the
6. Supreme Court Legendary Paunch
Justice League 28. Blame Page
11. Buffalo buffalo 29. Fun Pages
12. The Anagramer 30. Legend of the
13. Her for the Ages Hidden Nipple
14. The Botchedmen 31. Cornell
16. Treasure Map Legendairy
18. House at Gannett
20. The CornellSchool
of Witchcraft and
Wizardy
The Cornell Lunatic, Cornell University’s only humor magazine, is published a finite number of times per year by the Cor-
nell Lunatic, Box #56, WSH, Ithaca, NY, 14853. Requests for advertising, submissions, money, fantasy football advice,
fantasy croquet advice, hate mail, love mail, indifferent mail, and any other communications should be sent to the above ad-
dress. Copyright © 2006 by The Cornell Lunatic, all rights reserved. This magazine is partially funded by the Student As-
sembly Finance Commission. Nothing in this magazine necessarily reflects any of the opinions, ideas, beliefs, hopes, dreams,
or drug-induced hallucinations of the SAFC, CU, the student body, or even our staff, so please calm the fuck down. Offended
readers take heed, we’re only kidding.
The Cornell Lunatic 3
A LETTER FROM THE 
EDITORS
Hello, readers, and welcome to the Legendary Issue!
It is certified by us, Marc and Ben, as the best full issue of the Cornell Lunatic
ever created by us. And it certainly wasn't easy to make – we had to brave
robot zombies, vampire zombies, werewolf robots, and werewolf tigers en
route to the center of a volcano, and that was just to get to our meeting place!
We've considered relocating, but the current Legendary Financial Situation
has left our monetary resources in a less than Legendary state.
Do you think that's enough uses of the word “Legendary,” Marc? Uh, maybe
we should put a few more in there. After all, the National Association for the
Advancement of the Word “Legendary” has been putting a lot of pressure on
us recently, and they've got a pretty powerful lobby in Congress.
Anyway, this issue definitely has something for everyone. Whether you like
myths, legends, epics, superheroics, tall tales, fables, folklore, sagas, or
puns, you'll definitely be able to find at least one of those in here. And if you
can't, we'll refund your entire college tuition! However, this offer is actually
just an urban legend. You shouldn't perpetuate those, Ben. Listen, Marc, I'll
do what I want. Do I have to come over there? Why don't we settle this in the
ring? I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
The Cornell Lunatic: instigator of Legendary Blood Feuds Between Co-Edi-
tors-In-Chief since 1978, at the earliest. We'll see you in the arena.
Legendarily Yours,
Marc Campasano and Ben Strauss
The Cornell Lunatic 4
Be n St raus s’s
Be n St raus s’s
HORRIBLE
p un o f t h e mo n t h!
The current recession has everyone tightening their belts,
and Cornell University is no exception. Looking at their increas-
ingly limited sources of funding, the People Who Decide This Sort
of Thing at Cornell have decided to auction off an academic
building to anyone who would buy it. After a long discussion, they
have settled upon Morrill Hall as the best option – it's fairly old but
still has an elegant appearance, and it's not used by that many
students or faculty. The preparations for the auction were all com-
plete when, suddenly, a new source of funding opened up. It
seemed that a certain philanthropist had given a large fraction of
his personal fortune to Cornell (he wasn't an alumnus, he just liked
the name “Cornell”). This new influx of cash was almost enough
to render the sale of Morrill Hall unnecessary, but not quite.
“Well,” thought the aforementioned People, “maybe we can still
sell one floor of it.” This plan was put into action, and the auction
proceeded with buyers bidding on the third floor. Astonishingly,
the auction was won by Wal-Mart, which planned to remodel the
third floor into an on-campus big-box store, barely one minute
away from the already existing on-campus big-box store, the
Cornell Store. This promised to siphon revenue away from Cornell,
worsening the already dire financial situation. “What have we
done?” cried the Deciders. “We really should have paid more at-
tention to who was participating in this auction! Because now –
The story of the Morrill is a level in Retail!”
The Cornell Lunatic 5
The nine figures gathered together in their secret underground lair. They were an elite group, with
membership extended only to the most worthy, and lasting a lifetime. They had seen things no
human eyes had witnessed, and they exercised powers far beyond those of mortal man. When Earth
is threatened, we can always count on them to thoughtfully weigh both sides of the argument before
coming to a carefully considered conclusion. They are...
t h e r t
u
o
C
e
m
e
r
u p e !
S u
g
a
e
L
e
c
t i
s
u
J
John Paul “Lieu-
tenant America”
Stevens- a former
Super Soldier
from World
War II, he was
preserved in a
bag of frozen
peas until he was
discovered float-
Antonin “Mr. Lizard” Scalia- covered in
ing in the Arctic
bulletproof scales and able to regenerate
Ocean and
any part of his body, he doesn't use either
thawed out last week!
of these powers and is instead extremely
unpleasant to be around!
Anthony “Won-
derful Woman”
Kennedy-
equipped with a
Taser of Truth
and a translu-
cent helicop-
ter, he
attracts at-
tention
Clarence “The Tank Engine” mostly for
Thomas-able to telepathically his trans-
communicate with tanks, he is vestitism!
nevertheless unable to drive one!
The Cornell Lunatic 6
Stephen “Low Fat”
Ruth “Bader”
Breyer- announcing
Bader Gins-
his presence with
burg- pos-
the distinctive jin-
sessing the
gle of his ice
power to drive
cream
her grandchil-
truck/mobile
dren mad with
weapons platform,
guilt, she
he simultaneously
thinks every-
dispenses hot fudge
one is her
sundaes and hot lead
grandchild!
to his enemies!
Sam “Bam!”
Alito- per-
haps the
most power-
ful of the
group, he is
able to reach
his tongue all
the way from
his mouth to John “Generic Name” Roberts- the
his nose! leader of the group, he has no powers
more interesting or useful than flight,
super-strength, and invulnerability!
Thor “The Thunder God” Odinson-
possessing the power to kill anyone
who speaks the name “David
Souter,” he mostly relies on his ham-
mer Mjolnir, and his four law clerks,
to get anything done these days!
The Cornell Lunatic 7
After striking a pose...
heroic
...while their staff photographer captured their like- “Everybody just calm down,” commanded
nesses, secret identities, and powers, the SCJL Lieutenant America. “I’ve been through worse,
slowly and laboriously settled themselves back into back in the war.”
their seats. Their combined age of 4500 years (al- “Oh my god, I am so sick of hearing about
though most of that came from Thor) made it diffi- the war!” flounced Wonderful Woman. “Can’t you
cult to move about quickly anymore. talk about anything else?”
Conversation was taking a little too long to “This isn’t important right now!” Generic
die down, and Generic Name was getting impa- Name broke in. “We’ve got to figure out a way to
tient. He tried passive-aggressively folding his get there!”
arms and looking stern, but it was to no avail. Fi- “Wellll… we could always take the train,”
nally, turning to The Thunder God sitting next to
him, he asked, “Hey, Thor, can I borrow Mjolnir for
a second?” The Thunder God replied, “Aye, but be
careful, for as it is said, whosoever holds this ham-
mer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of…”
“Yeah, I know,” Generic Name interrupted, hoping
to avoid more delays caused by everyone reciting
their name loudly, as he knew would happen if he
let The Thunder God continue. He hefted the
mighty hammer above the table and shouted, “I call
this meeting to ORDER!”, bringing it down with a
resounding BANG, which appeared in block letters
above the table. Lightning flashed outside and
everyone was silent at once. The Tank Engine said slowly.
“Thank you,” Generic Name continued. “What train goes from D.C. to Rhode Island
“Now, it has come to my attention that-“ in less than the time before there’s nothing left of
But before he could finish, the viewscreen Marbury and Madison but a memory?”
flickered to life behind them. “I, Lex Luthor, have In answer to his question, an Amtrak Silver
kidnapped Marbury and Madison and am holding Star burst through the wall of the cave. “Hi, Mister
them in a prison cell in Rhode Island!” Clarence!” it said in an excessively goofy voice.
“Man, I was just about to say all that,” mut- “Good to see you,” The Tank Engine replied. But
tered Generic Name. not everyone was so happy. “That was my favorite
“Without them, there is no judicial review, wall,” Low Fat said mournfully. “There’s no time
the source of all your power! You’re helpless! And for this! Let’s go!” everyone else shouted in chorus.
to ensure your demise, I have hooked them up to The nine majestic heroes rushed onto the train and
an machine which sucks away their life force! readied themselves for takeoff. Unfortunately,
They’ll be dead within seconds! Well, not quite that trains can’t fly, and more importantly, no one was
quickly. Life force sucking isn’t that easy. But, you driving.
know, pretty soon! Uh, Luthor out!” The image on “Thomas! Get up there!” said everyone in
the viewscreen faded away. chorus. “What, I don’t know how to drive this
“Oh no! What are we going to do! How thing,” protested The Tank Engine. “Wait- I do!”
will we ever get to Rhode Island in a vaguely-de- said Lieutenant America. “But- how? It must have
fined length of time?” cried Bader. been something I learned back in the war…” Wavy
“Shut up! Just shut your mouth!” shouted lines appeared in his vision as he flashed back to a
Mr. Lizard. The tension in the room only made his dark and foreboding afternoon (it was very cloudy
presence that much more unbearable. that day) in April of 1945. It was the waning days
The Cornell Lunatic 8
of the war, and Lieutenant America, as usual, was his secretary on the other end of the line.
busy attending a top secret briefing. On this partic- “Hey Diane, it’s Thor, can you transfer me to
ular day, he was fighting the war against slumber Moshe?”
as he sat slouched in a classroom desk. At the front “Sure thing, just one second.” A few sec-
of the room, an instructor droned on about… some- onds later, The Thunder God’s law clerk Moshe
thing or other… Lieutenant America was getting Feinberg came on the line. “How’s it going, sir?”
sleepy… “Stevens!” a harsh voice broke into his Moshe said.
daydream. “You can’t have a dream inside your “Hey, pretty good. I was just trying to sum-
dream sequence! Now listen up! It’s imperative mon some lightning, and it didn’t work. What am I
that you know how to operate this new experimen- supposed to say again?”
tal train that the government is developing! It’s “Oh no, you don’t need to say anything, just
about the only job you’ll be able to get, anyway…” sort of whirl around Mjolnir and then bring it
“Whoa, seen about enough of that!” Lieu- down sharply.”
tenant America said hurriedly as the wavy lines “Ohhh right, now I remember. Thanks a
disappeared. Everyone was staring at him. “The million.”
point is, buckle your seatbelts, because I’m about to “No problem.” Moshe hung up the phone.
drive this train!” He usually had a better catch- “@#%$ing idiot,” he said to himself. “What the hell
phrase than that, but he was a little rattled. In any happened to Souter?” The next day, Moshe woke
event, the train took off into the sky and the heroes up with a horse head in his bed. “Morning, Seabis-
were on their way to Rhode Island. cuit, did you sleep well-“ he began, but before he
Half an hour out of D.C., the train chugged could say anything further, he was struck and
to a halt. Only Lieutenant America’s quick reflexes, killed by a lightning bolt.
and the automatic landing sequence, saved it from Back in the present, the train was once again
becoming a smoking crater. “Aw peas, we’re out of hurtling along through the sky. “My sensors indi-
gas,” the very manly war hero driver said. “What cate that Luthor’s base is that building there!” said
are we going to do now?” “I know what to do,” Low Fat, who was not a robot. “I’m bringing her
Bam! said enthusiastically. He always felt so down,” responded Lieutenant America. The nine
useless on missions that he was glad he had heroes rushed off the train and into the base-
something to contribute. “Thor, summon but were they too late? Tune in next
some lightning and charge up the motor! time to find out!
Thank God this train is a hybrid!”
“I think you mean ‘thank god,’ with The next time, one second after
a lowercase g. I’m just one god among the previous time:
many,” The Thunder God cor- No, they weren’t too late!
rected. “How can you hear Luthor stood laughing ma-
uppercase in my voice?” Bam! niacally, looking down on
said. But The Thunder God his two prisoners, who were
wasn’t listening. Whirling his ham- in great pain due to having to
mer around swiftly, he chanted hear Luthor’s really annoying
the mystical incantation laugh for the past two hours.
that would bring light- But Luthor’s laugh died in his
ning down from the throat as he was accosted by
heavens. However, nine somewhat competent
nothing happened. crime fighters.
“Dammit, I always forget how this “Give up, Luthor! You
works,” he muttered. Taking out have no chance!” Generic
his cell phone, he dialed his of- Name exclaimed.
fice. “C’mon, pick up already…” he said as the “Oh, but I do! You see, it is futile to attack
phone rang. me – the damage is already done! The life force
“Justice Thor’s office, can I help you?” said sucking machine (patent pending) is already at
The Cornell Lunatic 9
work – and there’s no stopping it! You’re doomed!” way his beady eyes followed your every move, just
“I don’t believe that – there must be a way to daring you to make a mistake so he could laugh
turn it off,” Wonderful Woman said. “If I can just and make fun of you – it was too much. “I- I can’t
use my Taser of Truth on him, I’ll force him to re- do it!” cried Generic Name. “Luthor has to leave!”
veal his lies. But he’s too elusive!” “What, so you can defeat my evil plan? I
“I can help,” said Low Fat. He rummaged through ain’t leaving,” Luthor said mockingly.
the freezer of his ice cream truck and pulled out an Mr. Lizard slithered (metaphorically) up
ice cream cone grenade. “This’ll do the trick!” The next to him. “Mr. Luthor, have I ever told you my
explosive sailed through the air and landed in views about strict Constitutionalism? It’s liberals
Luthor’s hands, but failed to explode. “What’s like yourself that are tearing this country apart!”
going on? It must have been a dud! Dang!” “Oh my God I think his breath is the worst
Luthor looked unperturbed as he began licking the part,” said Luthor as he ran out of the building.
delicious confection. All seemed lost, when Bader With Luthor gone, Generic Name was able to lift
sprang into action. the block and was about to press the button when –
“So these are calories that you need?” she whined. In the excitement, The Tank Engine let his
“And you never get any exercise! You just sit in concentration slip for just one second, and the train
that room and make evil plans all day. Is this a crashed into the building, trapping everyone under
good way to live a life? Would it kill you to eat a huge piles of rubble. Even more discouragingly,
salad? You know there are people who would kill Marbury and Madison were just about out of life
for an ice cream cone like that, but to you, it’s noth- force, and that meant that everyone’s power was be-
ing. Not to mention, you didn’t even think to offer ginning to sap away. All seemed lost.
any to me, of course. Why should you? I’m just Generic Name used his remaining power to
your grandmother. Well? What do you have to say lift his head up and look around. “Alito! Wake up,
for yourself?” man! Come on, snap out of it!”
The existential crisis that Luthor was undergoing Bam! stirred from unconsciousness. He
was on the verge of overwhelming him. He was tried to move around, but every part of his body
about to give up and become a doctor when his was trapped. Someone was shouting his name.
iron will reasserted itself. “No! I won’t do it! I “Hey! You’re awake! Look – the button is right in
hated Med School!” he shouted. He was about to front of your nose!”
activate his death laser when Wonderful Woman, He moved his eyes downward, and indeed,
having used the delay to sneak up behind him, there it was, a giant red button mere millimeters
pulled out his Taser of Truth and turned it on from his nose. But his head was completely immo-
Luthor. bile! There was nothing he could do! Unless –
“Hey! Refrain from operating that tasing He moistened his lips and readied his
device on me, Your Honor!” Luthor screamed. But tongue for the most arduous workout it had ever
it was too late. Or was it? To find out, tune in – oh, undergone. He could feel his power diminishing
just tune in right now. The Taser was doing its by the second, so it was now or never. His tongue
work. “You’re right, I did lie about the machine. shot out of his mouth and stretched to its limit, but
You can turn it off just by pressing that button on it was still too far from the button! He marshaled
the side. Also, now that I told you the truth, you all the strength he had remaining, gave one final
have to tell me something: are you a man or a push – and made contact.
woman?” he said sotto voce to Wonderful Woman.
“I’ll never tell – until you tell me why there’s In the weeks to come, the medals and acco-
a giant iron block in front of the button.” lades would overflow Bam!’s tiny apartment. But
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about that. despite the press’s best efforts to get an interview
Yeah, I don’t see you moving that any time soon.” with him, he only ever had one thing to say. It was
“Don’t be so sure,” intoned Generic Name. a clip that was played over and over on television –
“My boring powers can do it.” But when he tried he walks up to the podium, adjusts the micro-
to move the block, he found that he was too nerv- phone, clears his throat, and says, “That tasted ter-
ous to do it with Luthor sitting there watching. The rible.”
The Cornell Lunatic 10