Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

240 Pages·2016·1.78 MB·English

by  Oren Jay Sofer

PRAISE FOR
say what you mean
“By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have learned to operate through
such deeply engrained patterns of language and behavior that virtually all of our
communication involves projection, assumption, and bias. No wonder we often
feel so cut off and all alone! Mr. Sofer deftly weaves together his mindfulness
practice and principles of Nonviolent Communication to help us learn how to
find one another again. This is a powerful guidebook to thinking, speaking, and
listening with authenticity and care. Bravo!”
—Sharon Salzberg, author of Real Happiness and Real Love
“This tremendous book addresses one of the biggest challenges in any
relationship: how to combine heart with strength, compassion with assertiveness.
Written with great warmth and clarity, it brings together well-researched
principles, effective tools and suggestions, powerful experiential practices, and
many examples. It is down-to-earth and completely accessible while also being
so deep, even profound. If I had just one book to recommend about interpersonal
communication, it would be this one.”
—Rick Hanson, PhD, author of Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core
of Calm, Strength, and Happiness
“Oren Jay Sofer’s eloquent book Say What You Mean could just as well be titled
Living What You Mean. Going beyond the surface level of communication, he
describes our relational journey together in its inherent connections with how we
behave, how we express, perceive, and meet the needs of ourselves and others,
how we engage with difference and even conflict, how we negotiate love and
anger—in sum, how to fully live this complex life. Sofer gives essential
frameworks, perspectives, and skills for our shared humanity.”
—Larry Yang, Buddhist teacher and author of Awakening Together: The
Spiritual Practice of Inclusivity and Community
“Words have tremendous power—both to harm, and to heal. In Say What You
Mean, Oren shares a three-part process for communicating with mindfulness,
clarity, and compassion and creating more connection and understanding in our
relationships. In these times of turbulence and conflict, we need this more than
ever before.”
—Chris Kresser, MS, LAc, New York Times best-selling author of The Paleo
Cure and Unconventional Medicine
“Meeting the enormous challenges of living in these times calls for an
integration of inner practices of mindfulness with outer practices of
communicating with honesty, vulnerability, strength, care, and empathy. Oren
shows us a way to do just that.”
—Miki Kashtan, Certified Nonviolent Communication Trainer and author of
Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness

Shambhala Publications, Inc.
4720 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado 80301
www.shambhala.com
©2018 by Oren Jay Sofer
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without
permission in writing from the publisher.
Ebook design adapted from printed book design by Greta D. Sibley Cover design by Kathleen Lynch/Black
Kat Design Cover illustrations by Nataleana/Color_Brush/Slavadubrov Library of Congress Cataloging-in-
Publication Data Names: Sofer, Oren Jay, author.
Title: Say what you mean: a mindful approach to nonviolent communication / Oren Jay Sofer.
Description: First edition. | Boulder, Colorado: Shambhala Publications, Inc., [2018] | Includes
bibliographical references and index. Identifiers: LCCN 2018009367 | ISBN 9781611805833 (pbk.: acid-
free paper) eISBN 9780834841895
Subjects: LCSH: Interpersonal communication. | Nonviolence.
Classification: LCC HM1166 .S64 2018 | DDC 302.2—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018009367
v5.3.2
a
For the teachers and friends who showed me the way.
And for my mother, my first teacher, who gave me a solid foundation and
taught me to write.
The fish trap exists because of the fish; once you’ve gotten the fish you can
forget the trap.
The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit; once you’ve gotten the rabbit, you
can forget the snare.
Words exist because of meaning.
Once you’ve gotten the meaning you can forget the words.
Where can I find a man who has forgotten words, so I can have a word with
him?
—CHUANG TZU
Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night
already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
—DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
contents
foreword by Joseph Goldstein
acknowledgments
introduction
part one
the first step: lead with presence
1. the center of our lives
2. the power of mindfulness
3. relational awareness
part two
the second step: come from curiosity and care
4. the blame game
5. where are you coming from?
6. don’t let the call drop
part three
the third step: focus on what matters
7. getting down to what matters
8. emotional agility
9. enhancing empathy and inner resilience
10. how to raise an issue without starting a fight
11. if you want something, ask for it
part four
bringing it all together
12. the flow of dialogue
13. running the rapids
14. conclusion: charting your course

summary of principles
useful communication phrases
notes
glossary
further resources
index of practices by topic
index
about the author
E-mail Sign-Up
foreword
IN ONE WAY or another, we spend our lives communicating. For most of us, the
predominant mode of communication is speech, the words we use and the
emotional tone underlying our words. Interaction forms the bedrock of all our
relationships, and the patterns through which we engage in conversation
determine, to a large extent, the quality of our lives. What’s more, our habits in
communication establish a template for our relationship with ourselves, and with
our society at large.
In this wonderful book, Oren Jay Sofer explores the many nuances of the way
we speak, illuminating the patterns that foster well-being and harmony, and
those that simply lead to greater frustration and distress. The perspectives and
methods in this book also hold an essential key to the healing and radical
transformation that is so desperately needed—not only in our lives as individuals
but collectively in our communities and on our planet. Drawing from his
extensive training in mindfulness practices, somatic healing, and Nonviolent
Communication, Oren provides both the insight and the skill necessary for us to
transform communication into a vehicle for greater intimacy, honesty, and
compassion, and to point our social lives toward greater equity and peace.
Through clear theoretical frameworks and a wealth of stories and examples,
Say What You Mean offers an array of useful tools for strengthening awareness
of our habitual patterns, as well as many specific suggestions for how to
communicate with greater care and effectiveness. Oren discusses the essential
role of empathy in listening to others and proposes, in very precise ways, how to
cultivate it. As he writes, “Communication practice is not about what we say. It’s
about where we’re coming from and how we say it.”
He also clearly describes practices for recognizing and understanding our
thoughts, perceptions, and emotions, and how they influence, often
unconsciously, the words we use and the motivations behind them. Without this
understanding, we often find ourselves caught in the many tangles of our
conditioning, not seeing our way to greater connectedness and inner freedom.
Besides being a detailed and comprehensive roadmap for cultivating wise