Same Game Different Rules: How to Get Ahead Without Being a Bully Broad Ice Queen or

289 Pages·2001·0.92 MB·English

by  Jean Hollands

SAME GAME,
DIFFERENT RULES
How to Get Ahead Without
Being a Bully Broad,
Ice Queen,or “Ms.Understood”
JEAN HOLLANDS
McGraw-Hill
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DOI: 10.1036/0071389539
DEDICATION
I am a California girl,but my cousin’s wedding brought me to New
York City. Thank goodness. There I met my senior editor, Mary
Glenn,and the wonderful Susan Clary.They changed my life,and,I
hope,yours. Others who helped were the special Dan Mandel,Joy
Thisted, Nan Cascaddan, actually my whole staff, but especially
Christina Syrett, Ellen Bona, Patricia Goss, Sandy Peterson, Jeanne
Shizuru and the marvelous Sally Pera.Thanks,too,to Scott Amerman,
Editing Supervisor,Maureen Harper,Production Supervisor,and the
rest of the production team at McGraw-Hill.
Then there were those fabulous Bully Broads who teach me and
inspire me and grow with me every night of our group,and every day
when we can remember to be calm and demure while remaining our
audacious and charming selves. Heidi,Helen,Francine and Suzann
started it all.
Thanks always to the men in my life,my father,who was a great
mentor for me; my husband, who loved me to his last breath, my
brother,Ron Madsen,my sons,Glenn Hollands and Todd Hollands,
and son of Thomas, James Hollands as well as my son-in-law and
friend, Ron Steck. Lastly, Laura Hollands-Steck, who coached and
studied these women and wrote with me,whose name is not on the
title page,but whose inspiration and challenge made this book such a
happy event.
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CONTENTS
Preface vii
Introduction xi
The Bully Broads Group xxi
Rule 1: Don’t Tick Off the President,the CEO,
or the Human Resources Person 1
Rule 2:“Listen Up”Until You Are About to Throw Up! 13
Rule 3: Create Allies (Lots of Them) 21
Rule 4: Keep in Mind That 85 Percent of the
Rest of the World Is Conflict-Avoidant 31
Rule 5: People Will Sabotage You If They
Can’t Confront You 39
Rule 6: Give Up Words Like Stupid,Incompetent,
Ignorant, and Lazy 49
Rule 7: Don’t Cry Like a Man 59
Rule 8: Beware of Jealousy 67
Rule 9:Take the High Road—It’s Faster 77
Rule 10: Don’t Burn Bridges—Ever 83
Rule 11:Wait for Apologies,but Don’t
Wait to Make Some 91
Rule 12: Stop Worrying About Getting the
Job Done—Get People Done 99
Rule 13: Perfectionism Kills 107
v
vi CONTENTS
Rule 14:You Can’t Control Everything 121
Rule 15: Lead with Vulnerability 129
Rule 16: Soft Sell Is the Best Sell 137
Rule 17:You Don’t Own the Company 147
Rule 18: Remember:It’s Not Your Money 155
Rule 19: Down,Girl! You Don’t Need to
Be Confrontational at Every Turn 163
Rule 20:Avoid All-or-Nothing Thinking 171
Rule 21: Remember That Your Persona Scares People 181
Rule 22:Don’t Judge—Enjoy 189
Rule 23: Success Starts Inside 201
Rule 24:They Won’t Believe Your Changes at First 213
Rule 25:You Are Not Joan of Arc 223
Test for Bully Broads and Those Who
Have to Deal with Them 235
Appendix A: Bully Broads,Ice Queens,and Other
Ms.Understoods:Watch Your Fatal
Responses to Feedback 237
Appendix B: Quick Checklist of Red Ink Behavior 239
Appendix C: Phases of Leadership 243
Appendix D: Group-Building Exercise 247
Index 251
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PREFACE
BULLY BROADS RUN IN THE FAMILY
Why did I write this book? I am from a long line of Bully Broads.With
each generation,the trait diminishes a bit.My daughter,Laura,is less
bullying than I,and I am less bullying than my mother,Helene.Well,
what is this trait that is so readily identifiable?
We all act out on occasions when we are disappointed,rejected,
or hurt.We quickly slap our disdain on the table and hope you are
strong enough to take it.We’ve been known to say too much, too
quickly,too loud,and too long.But,here’s the rub:Despite the some-
times gruff and aggressive exterior we present, inside we are really
mush balls who hate to hurt anyone and who are sensitive to slight
and rejection.
If we teach what we ourselves need to learn,then undoubtedly
my daughter and I became psychotherapists and corporate coaches
who now work with executive women because we identify so
strongly with Bully Broads.We want to help these intense,intimidat-
ing dynamos like ourselves who show anger or impatience but who
feel compelled to hide pain and vulnerability.
Thousands of women referred by their premier Silicon Valley cor-
porations to our executive coaching ranks can be classified as bullies,
or the quieter Ice Queens.Time is usually their enemy and their
excuse for acting abusive. Watching intimidating and aggressive
women self-destruct is a painful and sobering experience.Ironically,
these remarkably capable and talented women who aspire to power
are handicapped by the very courage it took them to rise to the ranks
of Director,Vice President,or CEO.
So we work with these women who sound and act like my Mom.
(By the way,my mother was also a beautiful,generous,loving,and fun
vii
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viii PREFACE
woman.) Sometimes they sound and act like my daughter and me.
Sometimes they are all three of us in one body.However they mani-
fest their Bully Broad attitudes and behavior,they are always in trou-
ble.Yet the intimidators are often misunderstood and frequently used
to buffer the timid manager who won’t stand up to anyone. Bully
Broads hardly notice that they are being used because their eyes,ears,
body,and soul focus on the end result.
During the past twenty years,I have received countless calls from
desperate,top-echelon corporate executives.The tone and content are
remarkably similar:“Listen.I have to send Cecilia to you.I am finally at
my wit’s end.I can’t protect her again.Being founder of this company
doesn’t give me enough leverage to help her anymore.She has no cred-
ibility left,and I am losing mine.The complaints outweigh the millions
of dollars she brings to our company.She made this quarter happen,but
I am losing good people.The trade-off is getting lopsided.”
Cecilia recovered. She smoothed her edges, listened to others,
softened the impact she made on others,and began to empower those
around her.She joined our Bully Broads Group,which gave her the
chance to be in the same room with other highly opinionated and
intimidating women like herself. She learned to show vulnerability
and to understand the negative effect of being sarcastic and abrupt.
The edge disappeared.
When Cecilia reported back to us after several months,she said,
“You guys saved my career.My boss thinks I’ve had a brain transplant,
and my team thinks I’ve had a heart job.It was easy.I stopped think-
ing about myself and my own point of view all the time.I started dis-
ciplining myself.I held back sometimes.I smiled sometimes.I started
showing the inside of me, and, surprisingly, nobody laughed.They
called me brave.I can still get judgmental,but I know when to pick
my battles,and I know how to mend fences if I go too far.”
Many readers will identify with at least a few aspects of our Bully
Broads’stories.You probably are also acquainted with someone like this.
There seems to be one in every office.Just hearing the label,women
say,“Oh,yeah,I used to work for one,”or “My boss is one.”Just as this
book can give you rules for playing the game withoutbecoming a Bully
PREFACE ix
Broad,it can also give you some tips for dealing with the Bully Broads
and Ice Queens who are already in your life.Understanding the excep-
tional bully woman and then understanding yourself—your fears,your
habits,and your working style—will start the journey.
But playing the game doesn’t mean letting things slide,especially
when you are faced with another Bully Broad.You will have to learn
to stand up to someone who is just bluffing or to someone else who
can be tamed with just a little courage from you.Are you a masochist
who keeps taking it and turning the other cheek,or are you afraid to
confront her issues? In learning how to handle your own Bully Broad
tendencies,you will learn how to respond to a real Bully Broad who
doesn’t know the rules.
I want to thank the clients and organizations that support us and
pay us to do our work and our research.I especially want to thank the
Bully Broads who took a chance and trusted us to guide them
through the minefield.These very special women allowed us to show
them how to make life-altering changes,and I want them to know
how profoundly grateful we are for the opportunity to have partici-
pated in the transformation process.
Finally,there is another population to worry about.It is you,the
potential bully—those of you who will become our leaders,our hero-
ines,our models.At the moment you may be doing everything right,
you are credentialed,and so far you are conducting yourself with pro-
fessional decorum.This book will prepare you,however,for the crisis
moments you may experience.It will prompt you not to jump into
the bully roles.
Our male leadership models have exercised their egos and treated
us to their tirades over the years,some without punishment.Women
can’t seem to get away with it as well as men can.Stop moaning about
that, and start equipping yourself with the soft touch, even in hard
times.Your patience may wear thin over time.Only stress and chang-
ing rules and high drama could turn you into that bully.Plan on stress
and changing rules and high drama.It will be part of your future.As
a corporate salvage expert,my goal is to catch you before you trip the
circuit breaker.