Table Of ContentI
Heat Rash #1 Winter 2011 Romance
Los
CAMPESINOS! FIELD Gu1DE
Gareth
Harriet
page contents
2 The Contents Page
3 Editorial Tom
4 ?his Isn't Love. Nor Romance by Kim Campesinos!
6 Jason Campesinos! on Heare Tattoos
8 IfR omantic Comedies Have Taught Me Anything: A Guide to Dating Like They Do in the Movies by Ellen Campesinos!
10 Date Crepe: A Recipe for Love by Neil Campesinos!
12 A Happy Heart-Shaped Face. A Top 5 of Nick Cave Romance Lyrics by Harriet Campesinos!
14 He-Trash: A Romantic Centrefold for Ladies
18 Notes on Romance is Boring by Gareth Campesinos!
Kim
20 The Termination of Relationship Act by Ellen Campesinos!
22 Gui car Tab' for Light Leaves, Dark Sees by Tom Campesinos!
23 Lyrics for Light Leaves, Dark Sees and Four Seasons by Gareth Campesinos!
24 Spirit ofS t Louis, a comic by Robert Campesinos!
28 Exclusively for Heat Rash, Neil Gaiman writes some words on what romance means to him.
Neil
Ellen
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2
Greetings,
And welcome to what is the first finger at the end of our literature limb, Heat Rash # 1.
First off, we are truly flattered that you have humoured us, and invested your money,
heart and faith in this project of ours, and I hope that now, as you cradle us in your
arms, it's no sort of disappointment. That we are the bonny baby with a full, lush head
of hair, rather than ... oh I cannot bear to think about it.
HR#l sees us taking on the hard hitting topic of ROMANCE. An appropriate subject
I believe, as isn't this collection of paper and staples, that you're currently muddying, a
sight more romantic than .pdfs or html and blog posts? I would hope you felt so. We
are, each of the eight of us, a Casanova, and you our willing conquest.
We hope you enjoy this installment and all those in the future, because we have certainly
enjoyed the inflated sense of self importance that this move into publishing has given us.
Rubber up,
Los Campesinos!
3
KIMC AMPESINOS!
ThisI sn'Lto vNeo.Rr o mance.
illustraRtioohnsCam:m pesianno&dse .d'Ns a urical
Alman1a9c7,8
Hew akuepsa nhdi hse aidis n stfialnlteldy,
asis fo metounren oenad t ap,
hihse aqdu icokvleyr fwliothwhes r ,
Memorainefdsa nthaasvcieoe lsl siood fteedtn h haetn ol onkgneortw hsde i fference.
Thper obhleeh mai shs e 's tuosn waibhtlicebsh r atioan n ytehlisneg
Shieas l wtahyesar lew,sa wyisr alrionuhgni mdsi nd.
Dancailnolgv ehrit sh oughhimtses m,o rhiiecsso ,n sciousness.
Alwaary osts ien ted ovfe wrtohsmeia otnnh e axti osuttsso ifhd imesi nd.
Thiissl no'vte .
Norro mance.
Inte vweirbl el.
Thiitssh aeg onirseianlgit shatathtici oosnn smtoannotl tohghauatebs e ernu nntihnrgo huighshe ad
habse cotmhece l otshehasettw ielvlge ertt oh er.
Ands hdeo eshna'vacte l ue.
4
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5
]ASON CAMPESINOS!
On Heart Tattoos
illustrations: }a.son Campaino$J
1th the ever increasing popu to get covered, and feel like an absolute
larity of tattoos, what better dick about. Talking of dicks, and romantic
than to talk about them. tattoos, have I ever mentioned my dear
Many people have heart-based tattoos, friend with a heart tattoo on his penis?
and in their different forms they can rep Very interesting indeed. Remind me to
resent different things. With all this love ask the meaning behind it!
in the air, here are what a few different
heart designs mean. Anyways, moving swiftly on, the reason
I drew my heart with the key attached is wings." The flying heart of (in the same
I'll start with the drawing I have done basically because I'm 970/o sure I'm p.ever accent as Mel Gibson in Braveheart)
[opposite}, which is a classic ((heart and going to break up with mysel£ FREEDOM!
key" design. Commonly people see this
as "the key to your heart" and the design Another classic heart design is a "broken Finally, the ''Heart with ribbons" design.
is usually split between the two who are heart". I'll let you guys work the cryptic This is possibly one of the most well know
((in love". One of you with the heart and meaning out. designs, and has become a timeless classic.
lock, and the other with a key. I think it's Often the ribbon will have the name of a
a great way to avoid the classic "Name of The "Heart with dagger" is a well known lost loved one, whether it is "MUM" or
loved one" tattoo, which usually ends up tattoo idea. This can represent quite a few "MOM", "FATHER" or "SISTER" and
with a broken relationship and a random different things, usually relating to the so on. This was popular with sailors and
name that you will most likely hate, need pain of losing a loved one, betrayal of a came into fashion from there. Sailor Jerry,
loved one, and sometimes even sacrifice. a famous tattoo artist (Not the drink that
This is more common when thorns wrap we all know nowadays) really brought
the dagger, representing thorns from the these designs int o the 31st century.
crown of J Christ.
My "heart tattoo" [above} means a lot to
On a lighter note, "winged hearts" can me. It represents the fact that most of my
often represent a free soul. As the well tattoos have no meaning ... I just like the
known saying goes, "Red Bull gives you way they look.
6
7
'
ELLEN CAMPESINOS!
------==----=
If Romantic Comedies Have Taught Me Anything. ..
A Guide to Dating Like They Do in the Movies
illustrations: Ell.en & Robert Campesinos!
I f the movies have taught me anything Tip 1. Change Yourself for Them
(o ther than that dogs always survive [As seen in Pretty "Woman, She's All That and
Grease}
apocalyptic events), it's the art of
How are they going to notice your inner
seduction. I have always tried to live my
beauty if they are distracted by your outer
love life according to the wisdom of the
ugly? Now, your crush may respect your
Weinsteins, the poetic laments of the Julia
strong personal belief system and your
Roberts and the fake orgasms of the Meg
refusal to conform to societies rules of
Ryans and now it's time to pass this wis
aesthetics, but you are going to die alone
dom onto you. What follows is my canon
unless you sew yourself into some leather
of fail-safe dating tips based on generic You're Cf\!Shlng me
trousers and throw away your glasses.
romantic comedy plot lines guaranteed to
lead to marriage or at the very least over
Tip 4. Secretly be a Prince/Princess/
Tip 2. Publically Humiliate Yourself
the-clothes heavy petting.
Movie Star
Through the Medium of Song
[As seen in The Prince and Me, Notting Hill}
[As seen in Ten Things I Hate About You and
Admittedly this one is a little bit trickier
Scream2}
and 1hats another reason M ¥
Nothing says, "I love you" like a Disney than the rest.
why you're an idiot .....
¥
medley on an open top bus going past
Tip 5. The "OH NO WE FELL OVER
their workplace. NOTHING.
ON TOP OF EACH OTHER AND
Tip 3. Act Like You're Obnoxious but NOW OUR GROINS ARE TOUCH
Troubled ING"
[As seen in The Proposal Bridget Jones Diary and [As seen in almost everything}
Pride and Prejudice} This classic move requires erratic move
Insult them, cry, blame it on a troubled ment, non-grip shoes and laminate floor
past, do some charity work, insult them, ing so a salsa class in a sea of banana peels
cry, blame it on your ex, plant a tree, hug could work or butter up the underside of
an orphan, insult them, they cry, give your shoes and suggest a walk in the snow.
them shiny present, both cry, kiss, mar
riage, babies.
And, Finally. ..
8
Tip 6. The Richard Curtis EXTREME ing them to love you and put a umbrella Sixteen Candles about unrequited love to
[WARNING: only use in times ofs heer despera- over your head and ask them if they have further cement your despair:
tion when all other tips have failed}
noticed it is still raining. If they have then
Arrange a press conference in the rain
you have failed.
outside a wedding and tell your crush
"That's why they call them crushes.
"love actually is all around" whilst show
And I AM SPENT! Unfortunately that's
If they were easy, they>d call them
ing them the picture of their face you had
all the help I can give, so if you're still
something else."
tattooed on your stomach with the words
untouched and alone then Hollywood
"To Me, You Are Perfect" underneath
and, more importantly, I have failed you
before informing them you're a girl or boy
and I am sorry, but I leave you with these
and your standing in front of them ask-
wise words from the John Hughes classic
9
NEIL CAMPESINOS!
-==---= ==---
Date Crepe: A Recipe for Love
...
...
photos: Ellm Campesinos!
I t's often said that the best way into
your lover's pants is through their
stomach. I normally ply them with
enough alcohol to muddy their vision and
lower their standards. That, however, is to
tally irresponsible (and possibly illegal). In
an effort to act sensibly I figured I should
encourage you to feed your special friend
into bed with you rather than encourag
ing you to get them hammered. It's much
more satisfying for both of you.
Here I have designed a three-course menu
for you to cook for your loved one. Unfor
tunately I didn't write the recipes. They're
just favourites of mine that I have gleaned
from various sources. I've tried to mix ro
mantic with fun and tasty and I think I've
This is a simple starter that looks pretty Put into the oven for a few minutes, until
come up with a pretty simple but exciting
impressive. Using ready rolled puff pastry it starts to rise slightly and looks golden
menu. And it's all French-ish so you can
makes it even simpler with no detriment brown. Take out and top with the onion,
eat this feeling authentic as well as horny.
to looks or taste. Preheat the oven to asparagus and crumble some goats' cheese
..
200C. Fry the onion in a little oil over a on top. Put back into the oven for 15
Asparagus and goats' cheese tart
medium heat until soft. Chop about an minutes and remove when the tarts have
inch off the bottom of the asparagus so risen fully.
A bunch of asparagus, enough for 3
it will fit neatly on the pastry. Add to the
each
Goats' cheese pan with the garlic, the herbs and season.
Ready rolled puff pastry Cook for a couple of minutes. Mean
Half an onion finely chopped while cut the pastry into 2 suitable sized
A clove or 2 of crushed garlic
rectangles and prick the centre. This is a
Thyme and rosemary
starter so you don't want it to be too big.
Salt and pepper to season.
10
