Pre-Anand Karaj course

34 Pages·2017·0.51 MB·English

SIKHING: Pre-Anand Karaj course
{Sikh sacred marriage ceremony}
A short course for couples intending to go through the sacred Anand Karaj.
(Note: SIKHING – Using Sikhi life philosophy as a tool for self-improvement)

(This information is based on personal experience and understanding. Some views
have come from Veer Manjeet Singh Ji of Titiwangsa, Malaysia. Some more from
my older brother Pr. Gurmukh Singh OBE, of UK. In the main, these are practical
views, not overly ‘religious’, but spiritual – towards a successful and long lasting
‘marriage’ the Sikh way. Comments/suggestions can be directed to me personally
at [email protected] or [email protected])

INTRODUCTION

When I am requested to conduct an Anand Karaj anywhere globally, I normally like
to have at least 6 months’ notice (preferably more) in which time I communicate
with not only the couple but their immediate families via a series of emails based on
my notes below. The purpose is for everyone to come to know each other, help the
couple to plan the ‘run-sheet’ for the ceremony and, dissemination of ‘sikhiya’
about Anand Karaj. Then there are the taboos, misonceptions, superstitious
hangups of the older generation/s and other Indian ‘cultural baggage’ which need
to be understood and move forward.

Reading all this in one go can be daunting (about 12,000 words), but truncated and
shortened, in a series of emails, with feedback from the couple and other family
members, this is all digested better, and we try to ensure a meaningful and smooth
ceremony.

This article is for information for all, especially couples intending to marry via an
Anand Karaj. It is also for those who conduct Anand Karajs - to encourage more of
them also, to carry out such courses with couples intending to marry the Anand
Karaj way.

Sikh couples need to understand the deep spiritual impact of this ceremony, the
spirit in which one should go through it, and how it can help them as a couple, on
their journey on the path of ‘Grahast Marag’, the way of the Householder.

Besides conducting Anand Karajs, I have also seen some rather
embarrassing episodes in Anand Karajs. I have been lucky that these
embarrassing episodes have not happened on my watch, but thankfully I
have witnessed and heard enough of such embarrassements, to instigate
me to write it all down and create a ‘Pre-Anand Karaj Course for Sikh
couples.

To make reading this article colourful, some of these ‘bloopers’ and also
the high points that I have experienced and heard of, are scattered
through this ‘course’.

In the main, when a ‘Sikh marriage’ is planned, priority is, first of all, to go
to India and buy all the necessary lehngay, colourful bangles by the
dozen, special ‘pela’, lavish-looking groom’s dressing, mehndhi colouring
tubes, and other paraphernalia of ‘marriage’.

Then the focus is normally on ‘Sangeet Night’, ‘Mehndhi Night’, ‘Mayiaan’
and ‘Reception’; printing the wedding invitation cards; who to invite who
not to; posting out, or handing our Invitation cards in gurdwaras and
other functions; etc.

In India, wedding invitation cards even have boxes of ledoo, jelebian and
sakarparay attached to them. Recently, a friend in Jullundhur showed me
a wedding invitation card which had a small bottle of whisky and two
glasses inside it!

The most important part of a Sikh marriage, the Anand Karaj or just
referred to as ‘lavan’ or ‘phere’, is left entirely on booking the gurdwara
and leaving all the rest of the arrangements to the gurdwara committee
and the Granthi. The most important part of a Sikh marriage, the Anand
Karaj is treated almost like one of the minor ‘rituals’ in a marriage.
Normally, all the bride-to-be’s family are interested in is what time to
turn up and maybe some planning on the Milni – who receives what from
whom etc. Virtually no effort is put on educating the couple of what the
Anand Karaj is about - what to do, how to behave, and most
importantly, what is its spiritual impact on married life.

The current information and advice generally given to a Sikh couple
intending to go through an Anand Karaj (Sikh sacred marriage ceremony)
is either non-existent, or normally derived from ‘Sikhiya’ aimed more at a
‘kaka’ and ‘kaki’ (Sikh boy and Sikh girl) from rural Punjab, who have
1
probably never seen each other before their marriage, rather than a
western educated Sikh man and woman.

The ‘sikhiya’ that I have mainly heard, at Anand Karajs I have witnessed,
normally places greater onus on the bride for the success of the
marriage. The advice is more patriarchal and more often than not, tends
to inform the bride that she now belongs to her in-laws and should
forget about her own parents! Even as I write this and you read it, one
can see that it is lopsided and not appropriate, in this day and age.

Anyway, practically no one listens to any such Sikhiya, least of all the
couple getting married, during an Anand Karaj service anyway. I believe
all of it, or at least most of it, should be passed onto the couple ‘before’
the Anand Karaj.

On top of that, there are those instances where a sacred Sikh marriage
ceremony is made to feel overly ‘religious’ and shrouded in mystical and
sacred language – well beyond the comprehension of the ordinary Sikh
and not of much use in the practical life of a married couple. It is more
about becoming ‘religious’.

Sometimes a couple decide to produce a souvenir booklet of their
upcoming Anand Karaj in which besides the programme etc. they decide
to print the ‘lavan-dha-path’ and some random interpretation or
translation. I am yet to come across one such interpretation/translation
which made complete sense, and of use in the couple’s married life.

Because of the above, an Anand Karaj is slowly losing its spiritual
impact on Sikh couples.

Let us see if we can change all that.

If I am to conduct an Anand Karaj then at least reading through this series
of articles is mandatory. I then promise a memorable, uplifting and
spiritually sound ceremony and the best start to a married life in Sikhi. On
the other hand, you might decide that I am not the person to conduct
your ceremony because of my views! Like all human beings, I have my
limitations and shortcomings too.
2
I apologise in advance for my use of certain language, views, biases, or
mention of certain anecdotes, which might offend some. Others might
find them all quite humorous. They are my personal observations and
views. And I think they all make good, light, fun reading interspersed with
the serious side of spiritual instruction. After all, a marriage should be
‘fun’ and also serious. It is a celebration of a couple coming together as
man and wife, and also a momentous change in their lives from being
single to becoming a couple, and taking on adult responsibilities.

You will also have to forgive me for saying that most granthis, gurdwaras
and prabhandaks (gurdwara administrators) these days are only
interested in your ‘business’ and not really concerned with the ‘essence’
of Sikh philosophy where Sikh marriages are concerned. OTHERWISE,
THERE WOULD BE MORE ‘PRE-ANAND KARAJ COURSES’!

WHAT IS ‘ANAND’

The Anand Karaj should lead to ‘Anand’. So, first let us understand the
word Anand. The closest English equivalent is ‘Bliss’. But Anand is much
more than ‘Bliss’. Reading through and at least reading the easy
translations of the gurbani Anand Sahib, the full 40 stanza version, is
advised. This is gifted to us by third guru, dhan dhan Guru Amardas Ji,
who is often referred to as ‘Sikhi dha dhura’ alongside the Sikh shrine
that he bestowed upon us, Goindwal Sahib, today in Indian Punjab. He is
the ‘sage’, the wise old man amongst our Guru Ji’s.

From Anand Sahib: Anand anand sabh ko kehai, Anand Guru te janea.
{Everyone talks of bliss, but bliss can only be obtained through the
‘guru’.} The Sikh ‘anand’ is a state of ‘sehaj avastha’ – a state which is
neutral, calm, tranquil, peaceful and so on – all necessary attributes to
the stressful lives we lead in the modern world.

Anand is a state when one fully accepts the Hukm, the Will of Waheguru
and one is less affected by pain and sadness. A state of inner
detachment and outward attachment.
3
The following shabad provides a glimpse of this stage.

Jo nar dukh main dukh neheen manai…(SGGSp.633): The person who in pain, feels
not pain; who is not affected by pleasure, affection and fear, and deems gold as
dust. One who is not swayed by condemnation nor praise, and who suffers not from
greed, worldly love and pride; who remains unaffected by joy or sorrow and who
minds not honour nor dishonour. One who renounces all hope and yearning,
remains desire-free and who is not touched by lust nor wrath, within his/her mind
abides Waheguru. Such a person understands the ‘way’ and is blessed with the
grace of the Guru. Such a person blends with the Lord as water mingles with water.

Hence the need - the importance, to grasp, or at least be highly aware of
the philosophy and simple spirituality of an Anand Karaj. So, as is
prevalent these days, the Anand Karaj is not just a spectacular, colourful,
fun-filled, boisterous, sometimes boozy ‘marriage ceremony’ as
portrayed in media especially Indian and Hollywood movies, and even as
carried out by a great many ‘Sikhs’ globally, nor a display of wealth and
affluence, but a deeply spiritual ‘experience’ to help you towards an
‘anandful’, married life.

Below are the topics of each article. They are not in any particular order.
Some of them, for example on ‘mixed’ Anand Karajs, or ‘Kurhmayee’,
might not be pertinent to your particular case, but read them anyway –
for your personal information and development in Sikhi life philosophy.

1. Some history of Anand Karaj
2. Observations of current Anand Karajs and suggestions
3. The Kudhmayee – Engagement Ceremony.
4. Sikhiya 1. The ‘lavan’ and basic ‘sikhiya’.
5. Sikhiya 2. Betisulakhani.
6. Suggested run-sheet for the ceremony
7. Sikh wishing to marry a non-Sikh
8. Some ‘marriage’ quotes/sayings/advice

4
1. Some history of Anand Karaj

I have been involved in Anand Karajs since I was about 5 years old –
which means, at the time of writing this (2017) over 60 years. (My
venerable father Giani Harchand Singh Ji ‘Bassian’ was a Sikh ‘brahmgiani’
and ‘kirten-percharak’. I sat beside him from age 5 when he used to do
‘Sikhi perchar through kirtan’.) These are my personal observations from
the moment I understood what this ceremony was about.

I remember the time when in some gurdwaras and during the era of
‘qualified’ granthis some of whom were sages (brahmgiani), both groom
and bride-to-be were ‘expected’ to have partaken of ‘amrit’ – having
undergone the ‘amrit sanchar’ ceremony. If the couple were not, then,
the ‘amrit sanchar’ ceremony was carried out for the couple before the
Anand Karaj.

If any gurdwara in Malaysia still has records of ‘amrit sanchar’
ceremonies, and Anand Karajs going back to 1960 and before, one will
find such evidence. I read this in a book -‘History of Sikhs in Negri
Sembilan’ (a state of Malaysia).

Even non-Sikh women (mainly South Indian and Chinese) used to partake
of ‘amrit’ mainly with a view of marrying Sikh men. Goes without saying
that Sikh men were considered a ‘catch’ by non-Sikh women even then!

Only Sikh ‘men’ ventured overseas to seek their fortune, not women, and
hence sometimes they needed to get married in countries where there
were no, or very few ‘Sikh’ women. Hence there were a fair number of
‘mixed’ Sikh marriages even in those days BUT, the criteria was that both
partners needed to have undergone the ‘amrit sanchar’ ceremony,
making both partners members of the Khalsa fraternity. As a result the
question of a non-Sikh marrying a Sikh never arose!

Then about 1960, there was a slight relaxation. The couple, before the
Anand Karaj were asked if they had gone through the ‘amrit sanchar’. If
5
not they had to promise to go though the ceremony at the first
opportunity. They took an oath to join the Khalsa fraternity.

Around 1970, there was further relaxation. The couple was asked if they
had gone through the ‘amrit sanchar’ and if not they were ‘urged’ to
partake of amrit at the next opportunity. As a rule, the ‘amrit sanchar’
ceremony was carried out at least annually during Vesakhi/Khalsa Day,
around 13April in most gurdwaras.

The long and short of it today is that no ‘granthi’ or Sikh celebrant
bothers to ask if the couple have taken amrit. I remember in the earlier
years when I started conducting Anand Karajs in my own right, there
were instances when I was specifically told not to even mention ‘amrit’
because that might embarrass not only the couple but their parents!
This is not the fault of couples, or Sikhs today generally, by the way. The
fault is that over the period ‘amrit’ has become rather cultish and
‘difficult’ that Sikh youth do not even bother with it. It is a shame
because the ‘amrit’ ceremony was a ‘passage into adulthood’ with some
rules and regulations.

It is in the main now elitist, cultish and made very difficult. The more
difficult the ‘amrit sanchar’ regulations given to the adherents, it will
appear, the more potent it is supposed to be, religiously! In days gone by,
the ‘amrit’ ceremony was treated as an ‘Admission’ into the Khalsa
Fraternity. Today it is treated like a ‘Graduation’ into a cult!

The Anand Karaj, resultantly, therefore has generally degenerated into a
public spectacle without its spiritual import. We need to change that.
There needs to be some ‘commitment’ and intent towards one’s spiritual
progress - with each other and toward Waheguru.

2.Observations of current Anand Karajs and suggestions

6
We shall begin with the basic simple steps regarding the ceremony itself.

1. Sitting down cross-legged.

I have noticed as time has gone by, that today’s youth even have
difficulty in sitting down cross-legged BECAUSE they do not practise
that. I have seen amazing scenes where young Sikh men and women,
struggle to sit down cross-legged at their Anand Karaj! One discipline is
simple yoga. Generally, Sikhs today do not consider physical fitness
and body flexibility to be important and some even look down upon
simple yoga.

Whereas Sikhs previously went to gurdwara regularly and sat cross-
legged for up to at least 2 hours in services, today less youth do that.
Where more Sikhs did Nitnem also sitting down cross-legged
previously, the younger generations do not do that, hence more youth
today have trouble sitting cross-legged.

SO, IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS – START SIX MONTHS BEFORE YOUR
ANAND KARAJ, TO LEARN HOW TO SIT DOWN CROSS-LEGGED FOR AT
LEAST 20 MINUTES A DAY. Otherwise you are going to have a very
uncomfortable ceremony!

Sitting down cross-legged (the posh yoga term is ‘the lotus position’)
is a very healthy exercise in itself, and keeps your hips, knees, ankles
– legs generally, flexible and supple. It also forces you to sit up
straight – a good exercise for the backbone and your posture.

2. Dressing for the day.

First the couple (mainly bride-to-be). Remember, this is a highly spiritual
ceremony. If you need to satisfy your ‘looking grand’ urges, then the ‘Reception’
is perhaps where you want to do that. Not at your Anand Karaj. You should
come to your Anand Karaj in humility. Well dressed, elegant even, but not
made up like a China doll.

I attended a Namdhari (Sikh sub-sect) Anand Karaj where both bride and groom
came dressed in all white kudta and pajama – both of them. The bride had no
7
makeup on either. They looked radiant and serene. It was a beautiful, soul-filled
ceremony.

The other example I will give is an Anand Karaj of a ‘western dharma’ couple –
those popularly called American Sikhs. See the clothings that these Sikhs wear
for an Anand Karaj. First of all, both will have resplendent white dastars,
sometimes with beautiful beads decorating them, both in white or off-white
‘banas’. They look majestic, elegant, yet simple. They look like ‘Sikhs’ - not
Indians, not Punjabis, not Hindus, but ‘Sikhs’.

The bride does not have to spend two hours in a hair-dresser's chair, the day
before, or from 5am in the morning. All that will happen will be that you will
be exhausted for the most important, significant and spiritual ceremony in
your life.

Sometimes a bride is weighed down with ‘chuurian’ (glass bangles in their
dozens) and even coconut kernals tied to their wrists and heavy clumsy
dresses. I have never found a good reason for all that, except that the bride
looks as if she is in some form of bondage!
Do not allow your relatives, even parents and grandparents, to bully you into
wearing such uncomfortable clothing and accessories. You are getting married.
Take charge of your life!

On the other hand, I have seen one bride in Melbourne, come in a hipster sari,
and a small 'jhegi' (bra-like top) where the mid-riff, and the tops of the poor girl’s
buttocks were bare and a cleavage you could see the sun shining through! She
had a tattoo on one of her buttock tops and the sangat in front (and even back)
was straining to see what the tattoo was! Quite a spectacle!

Modesty is all-important but over-dressing is almost as bad. Remember, you
should be able to sit, stand, metha-tek etc, without assistence. I have seen
awkward 'qegeras' or ‘lehngas’, getting stuck under the feet when brides try to
stand up and almost topple over!

So, brides, please do not wear dresses which, first of all, show too much skin or
cleavage, OR wear so thick and heavy a dress that one cannot even recognize
who it is and cause yourself unnecessary discomfort.

The groom. If you are clean-shaven, please come in a well-tied dastaar and it
will be nice if you grow a beard for the occasion, if you do not naturally, already
have one. Remember, whatever your modern views – the ‘Sikh’ image is a
turbaned, bearded male. A coat-pant with a tie can be rather restrictive when
you wish to sit cross-legged and stand and ‘metha-tek, a number of times,
during the ‘lavan’. A kudta pajama or a Sikh ‘bana’ looks very regal.

Please attempt to get all those attending your Anand Karaj, to tie dastaars at
least for the Anand Karaj. Sometimes, the janj comes in all matching bandanas,
looking like Mexican bandits or pirates. Sometimes it looks like the janj,
8
mostly clean-shaven, has raided the nearest Indian restaurant for their
colourful table napkins, normally maroon or purple, to tie on their heads!!!
Ideally, same coloured turbans, look very smart. Again, remember, it is a ‘Sikh’
marriage ceremony. The dastaar is part of Sikh attire.

I conducted an Anand Karaj in Istanbul in 2015, where the groom was a white
caucasian. We did his Janam Sanskar (Initiation ceremony), the evening before
the Anand Karaj in a very touching ceremony (see last chapter on mixed
marriages). All the janj - 200 of them, all European folk, tied yellow dastaars and
the ladies had matching coloured chunian, for the occasion.) A professional
dastaar - tie-er was especially flown in to teach them all how to tie a dastaar.

At an Anand Karaj I conducted in Toronto, a booth was set up in the entrance of
the gurdwara, to tie turbans for all attendees who did not have a dastaar on their
heads. And, yes, ladies have equal right to be in a janj as men. This is the new
millennium and ladies have never been considered secondary to men where
Sikh life philosophy is concerned.

3. Punctuality

Please be punctual! It is 'the' most important ceremony of your lives. You do
not want to spoil it by coming in late. Ideally, I like to see the couple coming
in together - Not the groom come in first and then everybody waits for the bride.
It seems rather farcical these days when the couple normally have been
together before the wedding and pretend that they barely know each other when
they arrive for their 'lavan'! If the Anand Karaj ceremony is to start at 9.30am.
then come at 9.30am. It is your ceremony. You want to get all you can from it.
Lateness leaves a sour taste and stress.

At one Anand Karaj the bride was over two hours, yes, two hours late!
Apparently, her hair dresser did not turn up. The second choice hairmaker
messed her hair which had to be redone by a third hairdresser! After getting a
sound rebuking from the Granthi Sahib, and half the sangat having left, the
‘lavan’ were just read while they sat in front of the Guru Ji looking rather foolish.
Not a good start to their new life, me thinks!

4. Camera/ Video crew.

IF, you are having a professional videoing crew, then, please ensure that they
do not become the 'main attraction' of the ceremony. There is no need to
film every moment of the ceremony. As far as I am concerned I have seen
camera crews become a nuisance and ruin the sanctity of the ceremony.
Firstly, they must be well-dressed in uniforms, not in T-shirts advertising some
products or nightclubs, and pants, even jeans which ride down when they are
bending down displaying the cleavage of their buttocks. Ideally, they should be
9