My Son Wears Heels: One Mom’s Journey from Clueless to Kickass

236 Pages·2016·1.65 MB·English

by  Julie Tarney, Diane Ehrensaft

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My Son Wears Heels
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Harry, age 20, 2011
figure 1
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MY SON WEARS HEELS
One Mom’s Journey
from Clueless to Kickass
JULIE TARNEY
Foreword by
Diane Ehrensaft
The University of Wisconsin Press
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The University of Wisconsin Press
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Madison, Wisconsin 53711-2059
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London WCE 8LU, United Kingdom
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Copyright © 2016
The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System
All rights reserved. Except in the case of brief quotations embedded in critical articles and reviews, no
part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted in any format or by
any means—digital, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—or conveyed via the
internet or a website without written permission of the University of Wisconsin Press. Rights inquiries
should be directed to [email protected].
Printed in the United States of America
This book may be available in a digital edition.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Tarney, Julie, author. | Ehrensaft, Diane, writer of foreword.
Title: My son wears heels: one mom’s journey from clueless to kickass / Julie Tarney;
foreword by Diane Ehrensaft.
Description: Madison, Wisconsin: The University of Wisconsin Press, [2016]
| Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016012942 | ISBN 9780299310608 (cloth: alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Tarney, Julie. | Parents of sexual minority youth—Biography.
| Mothers—Biography. | Transgender children—Biography.
Classification: LCC HQ77.8.T37 A3 2016 | DDC 306.874—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016012942
This work is a memoir. It reflects the author’s present recollections of her experiences over a period of
years. Some names and identifying details have been changed, and certain individuals are composites.
Dialogue and events have been recreated from memory, and in some cases chronology has been sparingly
compressed or rearranged for the benefit of narrative clarity.
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To Harry—my beacon
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Contents
Foreword by Diane Ehrensaft ix
How Do You Know I’m a Boy? 3
The Toilet Paper Bride 17
The Dress-Up Box 37
Out of the Closet 55
Not Like Other Boys 79
Four Bullies Suspended 101
From Blue Wig to Hedwig 121
Harry Decides 141
The Pain in Spain 155
The Graduation Stilettos 173
The Glass Half Full 191
Epilogue: The Night Jesus Wore Lace 203
Acknowledgments 211
Resources for Families and Youth 213
vii
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Harry James, almost two years old
figure 2
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Foreword
Diane Ehrensaft
When a baby is born, a mystery becomes a reality, but reality also
opens up mysteries, some totally unforeseen. And so it is for any
baby born with a clear M or F stamped on their birth certificate.
Already, before the baby is born, eager observers query, “Girl or
boy, do you know yet?” And before that baby even exits the birth
canal, a pile of baby presents might pile up in the baby’s new room—
little pink dresses for girls, little miniature motorcycle jackets for
boys. If the letter on that birth certificate is M, we imagine a future
of roughhousing, Little League games, darts, or bows-and-arrows.
If the letter is F, we envision tea parties, ballet lessons, and baby dolls
and dollhouses. These gender-binary images have been imbued in
our own growth from birth to maturity.
Such fantasies can be expected in a culture that has clearly
divided scripts for boys and for girls. But not all fantasies come
true; fantasies of our children’s gender may well not. We think their
ix
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