Table Of ContentIQjg^travel guide
A LAND UNTOUCHED BY MODERN DENTISTRY
SANTO CILAURO,TOM GLEISNER & ROB SITCH
Brilliantly original and very, very funny'
- BILL BRYSON
Molvania -a land untouched by modern dentistry
is the definitive guide to one of Eastern Europe's
most overlooked destinations. Once known only by
war historians and Soviet drug runners, this landlocked
republic is nowfinally being discovered bythe discerning
traveller. And this latest Jetlag guide offers allyou need
to know about getting there, getting around and safely
escaping the forgottenjewel that is Molvania. 'Chyear
a mule.
'a
-J-
k t 1
) I
,
(CoverPhoto)AMolvanianfarmeroffersaglass
ofzeerstum(garlicbrandy}, traditionallyserved
forbreakfastinmanypartsofthecountry.
^Q
travel guide
Molvanfa
A LAND UNTOUCHED BY MODERN DENTISTRY...
THE OVERLOOK PRESS
Woodstock & NewYork
FirstpublishedintheUnitedStatesin2004by
TheOverlookPress,PeterMayerPublishersInc.
Woodstock&NewYork
WOODSTOCK:
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NEWYORK:
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Firstpublishedin2003by
HardieGrantBooksinconjunctionwithWorkingDogPtyLtd
HardieGrantBooks
12ClaremontStreet
SouthYarraVictoria3141
Australia
www.hardiegrant.com.au
text©WorkingDogPtyLtd2003
photos©photographers2003 (seep4)
maps&illustrations©WorkingDogPtyLtd2003
AllRightsReserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybe
Reproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic
ormechanical,includingphotocopy,recording,oranyinformation
storageandretrievalsystemnowknowntobeinventedwithout
permissioninwritingfromthepublisher,exceptbyareviewerwho
wishestoquotebriefpassagesinconnectionwithareviewwritten
forinclusioninamagazine,newspaper,orbroadcast.
@
Thepaperusedinthisbookmeetstherequirementsforpaper
permanenceasdescribedintheANSIZ39.48-1992standard.
Cataloging-in-PublicationDataisavailablefromtheLibraryofCongress
JETLAG ™ UiUgJ Molvania™
www.molvania.com
Thispublicationisaworkoffictionandanyreferencetorealevents
orpersonsispurelycoincidental.Therepresentationofanyrealperson
inaphotographorotherwiseismeantingoodfaithwithoutany
intentiontoembarrassorcauseoffence,anddoesnotconstitute
anendorsementofthispublicationbythatperson.
ManufacturedinSingapore
FirstEdition
ISBN 1-58567-619-5
135798642
Szlengro!
[Welcome!
WrittenbySantoCilauro, Tom Gleisner& RobSitch
EditedbyMartine Lleonart
CoverandtextdesignTnsha Garner
MapsbyTnsha Garner
illustrations by Kinn Roberts pp 13, 16, 67, 76
PrintedandboundbyTienWah Press (PTE) in Singapore
PHOTOGRAPHY:
GiuseppeAlbo (deceased) pp 18, 25, 51, 60, 107, UO, U1, U6,167; BillBachnnan pp3, 8, 17, 28,
37, 38, 39, 42, 46, 52, 54, 61, 74, 77, 81, 86, 87, 108, 109, 123. 131, 143; Margtierita Cilauro
pp 12, 23, 33,48, 57, 73, 81, 89, 96, 97, 106, 115, 144, 154; SantoCilauro pp 10-11, 15, 18, 22, 24.
26, 29, 30, 32, 34, 36.44-45, 56, 62-63, 67, 70, 73, 77, 82, 83, 85, 88-89, 90, 95. 100, 116, 117, 118-
19, 122, 129, 132, 138. 139. 156, 157, 161, 165, 171; EmmanuelSantospp22,33, 92, 111, 117, 121.
128, 138; Tom Gleisner pp 21, 23, 38, 44, 58, 61, 64, 66, 72, 78, 99, 130, 133, 151, 155, 158, 165;
Pauline Hirsh pp 113, 144-145, 171, inside back cover ('Surviving Moustaschistan', 'Sailing the
SyphoUos Straits'); Lonely Planet Images pp 9, 28, 55, 142, 148; Working Dog pp 7, 14, 31, 40.
41,107, 149, 174-75, 176, inside back cover ('Viva San Sombrero!', 'Aloha Takki Tikki', 'Let's go
Bongoswana', 'Getting Round theTofu Islands').
THEAUTHORSWOULD LIKETOTHANK:
ThefamilyofG.Albo, Liam Bradley, La Cannafamily, Mr& MrsA. Caruso & family, Debra Choate,
Ciccarone family, Cilauro family (especially Vito and Nonno Santo), Kate Cody, Rees Cornwall,
Frances Forrest, Sandy Grant, David Herman, Michael Hirsh, Pauline Hirsh, Jane Kennedy,
Simon Kuszninczuk, Luisa Lamo, the town of Licodia Eubea, Lost Dogs Home, Simone Martin,
Susannah Mott, Billy Pinnell, Marianne Raftopoulos, Amanda Seiffert, Greg Sitch, Julie Thomas,
PollyWatkins.
Contents
lUIO O IIHIUULICUUH
^Oly^H\^ -fttimg started
12_History 17_NationalAnthem 18_Geography20_ThePeopLe
22_Sports 24_ReLigion 26_TheLanguage 28_Food&Drink
30_Music32_TheatreArt&Literature 33_NewspapersFi[m&Video
34_TV35_WhenToGo 36_Cnme37_WomenTraveUers
37_GayTrave[[ers 38_UsefulFacts
LUTENBLAG [Lutnblaag]
46_Genera[ 48_How to Get Around 49_Where to Stay
52_Where to Eat 56_Entertainment 57_Highiights '^M
THE MOLVANIAN ALPS [Alpj Molvanjka]
6'4_TheRegion 65_Svetranj 74 The Great Plain
76_Vajana 83_The Postenwalj Ranges
THE EASTERN STEPPES [Stjppka Orjentlka]
90_TheRegion 91_Bardjov 99_Lublova
109 LakeSkrotuMIO Dzrebo
THE WESTERN PLATEAU
120_TheRegion 121_Sasava 131_Sjerezo U1_LakeVjaza
THE GREAT CENTRAL VALLEY
U6_TheRegion U7_Jzerbo 156_Gyrorik
166_APoemofFarewell 168_lndex 172_MapLegend
173_Map 174_Conversions 175_LutenblagTransportSystem
176 OtherTitlesintheSeries
THE AUTHORS
Rickvan Dugan Born in Missouri, Rick always dreanned
of travelling the world and. at the age of 18, begged his
folks to let hinn spend a year overseas. So enthusiastic
about the concept were his parents that they agreed to
send him for three. Since that tinne Rick has been
wandering the planet earning his living as a travelwriter
Rick and freelance photographer. He has worked on
nunnerous guidebooks, including Baltic Europe, Czech
Mate!and Kazaktistan on a Doliara Month.
Philippe Miseree A professional traveller since his
youth, there is nota cityortown Philippe has not recently
been disappointed by No nnatter how obscure the
destinationyou can bet he has beenthere beforeyou and
found it not halfasgoodasitwas inthe 1970s. Hisearlier
works include TurkeyBeforeitwasSpoilt, India theHard
Philippe Way, South-East Asia on Less Than You Need and
Unnecessarily Tough Travel. Philippe helped compile
our 'Complaints' section.
Olga Stryzki Born in California, Olga got the taste for
travel earlywhen as a young child her parents took her
to Europe and left her there. She then found herway to
Israelwhere she worked on a kibbutz for severalweeks
before being exchanged as a hostage with the PLC. A
graduate in Political Science at UCLA, Olga lists her
interests asWomen's Studies, Women in Historyand Ice
Hockey. She contributed to the sections on Molvanian
women and spentthe restofhertimecomplaining about
the lack of disabled facilities.
Trudi Dennes Trudi has lived and worked in Japan for
over 10 years. She now works in the department of
classical history at Tokyo University Trudi has never
visited Molvania and was assigned to this guide due to a
staffing error.
Trudi
THEAUTHORS7
ReczJzervec A native Molvanian. Recz was born in the
country's north and grewupthere, onlyleaving attheage
of 12 in orderto avoid active nnilitaryservice.
Recz
Andy'TheAnimal'WilsonAnative of Brisbane, Australia.
Andy'sfirsttasteofoverseastravelwasanend-of-yeartrip
to Bali with his annateur football teann. What was
supposed to be a two-week holiday turned into a year
away, most ofthat time being spent in a Denpasar prison
on charges of setting fire to a monk. Bythe time he was
Andy 'TheAnimal' released the travel-bug had bit and Andy set out across
South-East Asia on an alcohol-fuelled odyssey After
returning toAustralia hedecided towritea bookabout his
experiences overseas but discovered he couldn't
rememberanySincethenAndyhashad hisvisacancelled
in over 30 countries and can speak seven languages
fluentlywhen drunk. At last report he was in Afghanistan
fightingwiththeTaliban.Andyhelpedcompilethesections
on nightlife and Molvanian beer-halls.
Many of the photographs in this book were taken by
Horst von Fluegel, a keen traveller who only took up
photography a few years ago. Despite the lack of any
formal training, Horst has approached his work with
enormous focus, a quality somewhat lacking in much of
his pictorial output.
Horst
[photocourtesyHorstl
We Were Wrong! There isa spelling erroronpi51. The reference to 'rustic features'
shouldin factread 'rustyfeatures'.
8INTRODUCTION
INTRODUCTION
Despite being oneofthesmallestcountriesin Europe, the RepublicofMolvania
has much to offer the discerning tourist. Panoramic scenery, magnificent
neoclassical architecture and centuries of devotion to fine culture are,
admittedly, all in short supply But the intrepid travellerwill still find plenty to
enjoywithin this unique, landlocked nation state - from the capital Lutenblag,
with its delightful gas-powered tram network, to the heavily-forested
Postenwalj Mountains in the south, where visitors can share a glass of locally
brewed zeerstum(garlic brandy)whilewatching a traditionally-dressed peasant
labourer beat his mule.
Molvania, the world's number one producerof beetroot and the birthplace of
whooping cough, is a country steeped in history and everywhero hero the past
is beautifully preserved, such as in towns like Gyrorik where you'll find one of
the oldest nuclear reactors still operating in the world. As faras buildings and
public monuments go Molvania is doubly blessed, having experienced two
architectural golden ages: a Gothicperiod under Holy Roman Emperor Charles
IV and the late 1950s during which its Soviet-inspired love affair with non-
reinforced concrete left an indelible mark on the urban landscape.
Forthe environmentally-minded, Molvania hasenthusiasticallyembraced the
concept of eco-tourism and, at the time of writing, numerous 'green lodges'
were underconstruction, manydeep within the fragile temperate forests ofthe
country's north-east from whose timbertheyare also constructed.
TheRoyalMolvanian FolkEnsembleperform theirtraditional 'Biljardjig'
(VanceoftheBilliardCues'].
