Table Of Content“AASECT award winning author, Stefani Goerlich leads us into another
conversation with her masterful analysis of the world of kink, and offers real
world depictions of members who are a part of these communities. The book
gracefully weaves kink history, experiential narratives, reflections, and tools
for us to become more kink aware and empowered. This exegesis is a must
have for all sexuality professionals and the constituents they serve.”
James C. Wadley, PhD, CSTS,
Director of the Sex Therapy Program for Council for
Relationships (Philadelphia, USA), Series Editor of Leading
Conversations about Black Sexualities and Identities
“Far too many mental health therapists know far too little about the complex
diversity of kink. If you’re a therapist treating kinky people, (you probably are,
and just don’t know it), you need to read this book. Goerlich offers nuanced,
sophisticated, thoughtful and deeply grounded clinical wisdom to help you
help your kinky patients in affirming, non-shaming, positive and healthy ways.”
David J. Ley, PhD,
Author of The Myth of Sex Addiction
“Stefani Goerlich has done it again! Building on the tremendous resource that
The Leather Couch has been for clinicians, Goerlich here writes a book that is
both BDSM introduction and kink clinical competence guide. This book has
insights and discussions that are worthwhile for a diverse array of clinicians
working with kink communities.”
Steve Ratcliff, MA, LPCC, LPC, NCC, CST,
Private practice therapist & board member,
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom board member
“As a sex educator whose work centers around Kink/BDSM and ethical
nonmonogamy, it has become evident that the world needs more mental
health providers who are not just open to understanding lifestyles outside
what is currently considered the norm and the people who inhabit them
but genuinely understand the world of Kink/BDSM more expansively.
Stefani Goerlich enthusiastically acknowledges that Kink has always been
treacherous terrain to navigate for those who practice it and the mental health
care providers who serve them. The Leather Couch: Clinical Practice with Kinky
Clients was the beginning of a bridge over that terrain and Kink-Affirming
Practice: Culturally Competent Therapy from The Leather Chair continues to build
on that bridge in an open, honest, and accessible way.”
Dirty Lola,
Sex Educator
Kink-Affirming Practice
Kink-Affirming Practice is an essential guide on how clinicians can ethically and
effectively integrate elements of their client’s BDSM identities and practices into
their treatment planning, creative interventions, and client self-care.
Embracing both an anthropological understanding of this diverse yet still
marginalized community, as well as a sex-positive approach to mental health,
Stefani Goerlich recognizes the ways in which specific power exchange dynamics
can evoke positive behavioral changes in clients, and guides the reader in how to
integrate these concepts into their clinical work. Chapters discuss the foundations
of BDSM, what is meant by kink-affirming practice, the purpose of claiming
power and ceding control, integrating and reclaiming identities, dominant/
submissive personas, and the benefits of caregiving kink, such as pet play. It
practically discusses how to conduct a kink-affirming risk assessment, as well as
exploring topics like ethical and health boundary setting, how to gain informed
consent, and the unique issues that arise when clinicians catch themselves
romancing the kink.
This book is invaluable reading for professionals working with clients who
engage in BDSM activities, such as marriage and family therapists, sex therapists,
clinical social workers, and counselors. It may also be useful reading for students
on both undergraduate and graduate level human sexuality and sexuality courses.
Stefani Goerlich is a certified sex therapist who is internationally recognized for
her expertise on topics such as gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity. Her
work has been showcased on the BBC and in the New Yorker, Teen Vogue, and
Cosmopolitan, and she was named one of Healthline’s best Couples Counseling
providers of 2020. Her book, The Leather Couch: Clinical Practice with Kinky Clients
(Routledge, 2021), was the winner of the AASECT Book Award 2021 and SSTAR
Professional Book Award 2021.
Figure 0.1 Stefani Goerlich, PhD
Credit: Miranda Hopkins
Kink-Affirming Practice
Culturally Competent Therapy
from the Leather Chair
STEFANI GOERLICH
Cover image: © Getty Images
First published 2023
by Routledge
605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158
and by Routledge
4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2023 Stefani E. Goerlich
The right of Stefani Goerlich to be identified as author of this work has
been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or
utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now
known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in
any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing
from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or
registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation
without intent to infringe.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Goerlich, Stefani, author.
Title: Kink-affirming practice : culturally competent therapy from the
leather chair / Stefani E. Goerlich.
Description: New York, NY : Routledge, 2023. | Includes bibliographical
references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022004356 (print) | LCCN 2022004357 (ebook) |
ISBN 9781032038773 (hardback) | ISBN 9781032038766 (paperback) |
ISBN 9781003189480 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Bondage (Sexual behavior)—Psychological aspects. |
Sexual minorities—Psychological aspects. | Sex (Psychology)
Classification: LCC HQ79 .G63 2023 (print) | LCC HQ79 (ebook) |
DDC 306.77/5—dc23/eng/20220310
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022004356
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022004357
ISBN: 978-1-032-03877-3 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-1-032-03876-6 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-1-003-18948-0 (ebk)
DOI: 10.4324/9781003189480
Typeset in Dante and Avenir
by Apex CoVantage, LLC
Contents
Introduction 1
A Note About Language & Labels 5
1 BDSM Foundations 7
Core Competencies 8
Where Does Kink Come From? 12
Etiological History: The Quest for Why 13
Not “Why” but “How” 16
What Even Is Sex? 23
2 The Kink-Affirming Practitioner 31
What Is Kink-Affirming Practice? 31
The Role of the Kink-Affirming Practitioner 35
Intimate Justice 38
Practice Strategies for Fostering Intimate Justice
and Pleasure Equity 40
Kink as a Culture 41
A research paper 42
A Cultural History of BDSM 47
BDSM Advocacy in the Vanilla World 56
Interpersonal 57
Institutional 59
Systemic 62
3 Identity, Fetishization, and Reclamation 70
Race and Racialization 71
viii Contents
Religious Identity and Thematic Play 77
Youth and Aging in BDSM 83
Young People 85
Aging Kinksters 95
4 Claiming Power 105
BDSM as Love Language 106
The Power of Yes 111
Question One: “Tell me your love story.” 112
Question Two: “What makes your partner awesome?” 114
Question Three: “Can you help me understand?” 114
Question Four: “How is this relationship serving you
right now?” 118
Question Five: “What do you need most right now?” 118
Question Six: “Where do you want to be one year
from now?” 119
The Sanctity of No 120
5 Ceding Control 127
The Psychology of Bottoming 130
Attachment & Codependency 134
Trauma: A Bridge 139
6 Desiring Dominance 143
The Psychology of Topping 146
Craving Control 148
Service Topping 153
The Brat (and Topping from the Bottom) 154
Bratting Word Cloud 157
Anxiety & Depression 158
The Prosocial Sadist 160
Sadist-Masochist Word Cloud 163
7 Caregiving Kinks 168
CG/l Word Cloud 169
Caregiver/Little Dynamics 170
Inner Child Work 171
Handler/Pet Word Cloud 173
Pet Play 174
Sexual Pleasure 175
Relaxation, Therapy, and Escape from Self 175
Contents ix
Adult Play and Vibrant Physicality 176
Extending and Expressing Selfhood 176
Relationship and Community 177
Littles, Pets, and the Power of Play 178
8 Rules, Rituals, and Routines 185
The Holy Trinity: Rule, Ritual, Routine 186
High Structure Word Cloud 189
Rituals and Reassurance 189
Aligning Verbs and Values Activity 192
Rules & Rituals for Mental Health 194
The Neurodivergent Kinkster 199
9 Structures and Supports 207
Conducting a Kink-Affirming Risk Assessment 209
Transference and Countertransference 215
Romancing the Kink 218
Developing a Kink-Affirming Treatment Plan 220
The Kinky Clinician 228
Conclusion 234
Dedication 236
Appendix A: Tornus’s “This is Not a Checklist” Negotiations
Sheet for Bottoms 237
Appendix B: Informed Consent for Sex Therapy 240
Appendix C: Values Sort Words List 242
Bibliography 244
Index 259
