Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World: How to Create a Happy Life

162 Pages·2016·1.39 MB·English

by  Ilse Sand

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What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? How is it different from introversion, H
or shyness? And what unique advantages does high sensitivity have to offer? L Highly
Written for highly sensitive people, this book explains the characteristics of being Y

highly sensitive and how to overcome common difficulties, such as low self-esteem S
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and the exhausting effects of socialising. Ilse Sand also encourages you to explore and
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appreciate the advantages of high sensitivity, including your aptitude for depth, intensity
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and presence, and suggests activities to calm and inspire. I
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‘This book will be a go-to resource that I will be recommending to all the HSPs I work
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with; whether they are just discovering what it means or if they’ve been aware for a
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while. It provides a perfect balance of inspiration, research and encouragement for
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thoseofuswantingtobetterunderstandourtraitsothatwecanbemoreeffectiveand O
positivelyimpactfulinourownlivesandthelivesofthosearoundus.’ P
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–Andy Mort, Songwriter and Founder of SheepDressedLikeWolves.com,
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a website dedicated to inspiring and encouraging creative introverts and HSPs People
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‘A book written for HSPs addressing the various facts, joys and challenges of an innate A
trait. Particularly useful for sensitive people whose anxiety has made it difficult to be N
fully present in the world or who are struggling to overcome historical obstacles and
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reach their potential.’ N
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–Barbara Allen-Williams, Founder, National Centre for High Sensitivity UK (www.hspsensitive.com) S
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Ilse Sand is a Theology graduate from the University of Aarhus, where she wrote her Master’s I Insensitive
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thesis on C.G. Jung and Søren Kierkegaard. She is trained in several psychotherapeutic I
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approaches and is registered with the Association for Psychotherapy in Denmark. After
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being employed for several years as a parish priest for the Danish National Church she now World
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works as a supervisor, trainer, speaker and therapist. See more at www.highlysensitive-hsp.com.
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Translated from the Danish by Elisabeth Svanholmer.
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Jessica Kingsley Publishers
I How to Create a Happy Life
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ILSE SAND
www.jkp.com
Cover design: Black Dog Design

Highly
Sensitive
People
in an
Insensitive
World
by the same author
The Emotional Compass
How to Think Better about Your Feelings
Ilse Sand
ISBN 978 1 78592 127 8
eISBN 978 1 78450 392 5
HIGHLY
SENSITIVE
PEOPLE
in an
INSENSITIVE
WORLD
How to Create a Happy Life
Ilse Sand
Translated by Elisabeth Svanholmer
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia
First published by Forlaget Ammentorp, Denmark in 2010
English language edition first published in 2016
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
73 Collier Street
London N1 9BE, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA
www.jkp.com
Copyright © Ilse Sand 2010, 2016
English language translation copyright © Elisabeth Svanholmer 2016
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any
material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by
electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some
other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright
owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs
and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright
Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N
8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce
any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.
Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work
may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Names: Sand, Ilse, author.
Title: Highly sensitive people in an insensitive world : how to create a
happy life / Ilse Sand ; translated by Elisabeth Svanholmer.
Other titles: Elsk dig selv. English
Description: Philadelphia : Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2016. | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2015049918 | ISBN 9781785920660 (alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Self-acceptance.
Classification: LCC BF575.S37 S26 2016 | DDC 155.2/32--
dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015049918
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978 1 78592 066 0
eISBN 978 1 78450 324 6
Contents
Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
Introduction 13
1 The Characteristics of Being
Highly Sensitive 16
Two types within the same species. . . . . . . . .. . . . 16
We receive more inputs and think deeply about them . . . 17
Sensitive to sensory inputs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Easily affected by the moods of other people . . . . . . . 21
Conscientious . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
A rich inner life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
A natural spiritual curiosity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
A different strategy. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Slow and judicious. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . 30
Sensation-seeking sensitive people . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Introvert or extrovert. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . 32
Pros and cons of typology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
2 High Standards and Low Self-Esteem 36
Personal maxims . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
High standards. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Self-esteem or self-confidence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Why highly sensitive people often lack faith
in their own worth. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . 39
How low self-esteem and high standards
maintain each other . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
When lowering your standards proves difficult. . . . . . . 43
The fear of abandonment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
Seize the opportunity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
3 How to Organise Your Life According to
Your Type 48
Creating space . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Setting boundaries. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . 49
When guests linger. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . 51
When you have to say no to something you like . . . . . . 52
Good advice and ideas for dealing with being
overwhelmed. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Some advice about sleep . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55
The beneficial effects of water, exercise and
physical contact . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
Expressing yourself prevents over-stimulation . . . . . . . 58
When you are stimulated from within . . . . . . . . . . . 58
Telling other people about your sensitivity. . . . . . . . . 59
4 How to Benefit from Your Ability to Relate
to Others and Be Present 61
Highly sensitive people prefer high-quality
interactions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
Take breaks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
Make sure you are part of a dialogue rather
than a monologue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
Figure out what kind of responses you want
to give or receive. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . 64
How to deepen a conversation – and lighten it again . . . 69
Interacting on four levels. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . 71
5 How to Face Anger: Your Own
and Others’ 78
Highly sensitive people have a different strategy
when dealing with anger. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . 78
Make use of your abilities to empathise and reflect. . . . . 83
When it is unwise to be empathic when facing anger . . . 84
When you are not letting others know what you dislike . . 85
When anger protects us from powerlessness and grief . . . 87
Avoid moralising. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
From ‘should’ to ‘wish’ – from anger to sorrow . . . . . . 90
6 Guilt and Shame 93
Relevant guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
Excessive guilt feelings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94
Working with guilt feelings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 96
Feelings of shame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
If you are ashamed of your sensitivity . . . . . . . . . . 100
7 Situations in Life 102
Difficulties in relationships. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102
To be a highly sensitive parent. . . . . . . . .. . . . . 104
8 Mental Health Problems 107
Vulnerability to anxiety and depression . . . . . . . . . 107
Exhaustion and depression. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109
Feelings and thoughts are closely related –
the cognitive model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
Sometimes it is wise to prepare for the worst. . . . . . . 113
The highly sensitive trait may look like anxiety
disorder to outsiders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
Other problems may contribute to a sensitised
nervous system. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . 117
9 Developing and Growing 120
Highly sensitive people and psychotherapy . . . . . . . 120
Loving yourself – supporting yourself . . . . . . . . . . 121
Being compassionate towards yourself . . . . . . . . . . 125
Reconciliation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126
The joy of becoming yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127
10 Researching the Highly Sensitive Trait 129
Strong reactions to sensory inputs . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
A new articulation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 132
Nature and nurture. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . 134
Test results. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
Epilogue: A Gift for the Highly Sensitive 138
Ideas for Highly Sensitive People. . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
Inspiring activities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141
Outgoing activities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141
Activities for when you are over-stimulated . . . . . . . . . .142
Test Yourself: How Sensitive Are You?. . . . . . . . . . 147
Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
Acknowledgements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157
About the Author and Translator . . . . . . . . . . . . 159