Table Of ContentReviews
PRAISE FOR
From Shy to Social “Engaging, well-researched and frequently hilarious,
From Shy To Social is one of those rare self-help books that feels like you’re
being coached and encouraged by a trusted friend. An absolute must-read for all
of the love shy men out there.”
– Sofi Papamarko, Relationship Columnist & Contributor to
The Huffington Post and The Globe & Mail
“This is an important topic that affects so many men, who will be happy to
have this book!”
– Liza Fromer, host of The Morning Show, Global TV
“While many men dream about success with dating, the truly motivated do
everything possible to make that happen. Former ‘shy guy’ author Christopher
Gray embarked on a journey to develop his skill at relating to others, and shares
his insights in this valuable guide to boosting your self-confidence and ability to
develop both social and romantic relationships. Unlike a lot of people who write
about dating, Chris doesn’t just offer conversational tips and tricks for attracting
interest from women – he can help you develop a better self-image and strategies
for attracting the women you want.”
– Kateryna Spiwak, Professional Dating
& Relationship Coach
“The best counsel always comes from personal experience and in From Shy To
Social: The Shy Man's Guide to Personal & Dating Success, Christopher Gray's
life-long journey through shyness is an outstanding resource which will resonate
deeply for any man who struggles with a need for love and connection and the
realities of being shy.”
– Dale Curd, Counselor, Men's Issues Expert
& host of Guy Talk, CFRB Radio
From Shy To Social
The
SHY MAN’S GUIDE
To
PERSONAL
&
DATING SUCCESS
By
Christopher Gray
Copyright
Copyright © 2012 by Christopher Gray
Published by Sunbow Press
Address inquiries to:
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Gray, Christopher [date]
From shy to social [electronic resource] : the shy man's guide to
personal & dating success / Christopher Gray.
Includes bibliographical references.
Electronic monograph in EPUB format.
Issued also in print format.
ISBN 978-0-9868364-1-1
1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Bashfulness. 3. Man-woman relationships.
I. Title.
HQ801.G698 2011a 646.7'7 C2011-906255-0
Preface
I struggled with social anxiety disorder and an almost debilitating lack of
confidence for many years. Through extensive research, interviews with
psychologists and behavioral experts, experimentation and trial & error, I
managed to conquer my social phobias and create a rich, satisfying social life.
This book is designed to help the shy guy’s dating situation through the benefit
of my own experience and solutions.
This semi-autobiographical journey is essentially divided into two parts – the
first deals with reducing anxiety and shyness so that you can comfortably
interact with others, and then we switch over to the male—female dynamic in
which approach and conversation skills with women is addressed, with the aim
of creating a healthy dating life. This book is a comprehensive plan detailing the
methods I used to change from being extremely self-conscious around women I
was interested in, to someone who could confidently initiate conversation with
women under almost any conditions, concurrent with a far richer social life.
My research consisted of consultation with experts and their material in the
fields of attraction, psychology, social science and the arts. Some of these
include dating & lifestyle coaches Kateryna Spiwak and Michael Marks, the
writings of Joseph O’Connor & John Seymour in their book Introducing NLP,
Michael Ellsberg’s The Power of Eye Contact, Michael Pilinski’s Without
Embarrassment, Richard Machowicz’s Unleash The Warrior Within; attraction
experts Neil Strauss’ The Rules of the Game, Mystery’s The Mystery Method, the
writings of social etiquette expert Leil Lowndes, and other works in various
fields. Also of note are the teachers at Second City Improv and The Bad Dog
Theatre Company in Toronto, who are consistently able to instruct their students
in the skill of on-the-spot conversation while being funny at the same time.
The result of my efforts is a proven program of self-improvement which will
help you eliminate the shyness or lack of self-esteem or lack of confidence that
may be holding you back. You will become the better man you want to be, while
opening up new social avenues for meeting women.
I am about to change your life for the better.
Introduction
It was just before Christmas 2005 and I was wandering through a grocery
store, out of a relationship, feeling very depressed. I had tried online dating
without much success. I wanted to be in a new relationship, but felt powerless to
meet women, let alone ask one out for a date.
I saw a woman carrying a shopping basket; we passed each other in the aisle,
glancing at one another. I continued shopping but made my way back towards
where I thought she’d be. I didn’t see her, so thinking she had left I made my
way to the checkout. As luck would have it, she was in line, and I moved in just
after her. I took note of what was in her basket; there were lots of vegetables,
and other healthy choices. Despite my nervousness at the prospect, I decided to
initiate conversation: “You sure eat with nutrition in mind.”
She smiled. “Thanks, but you caught me on a good day, I might just as well
have had some chocolate and frozen food instead, but I wanted to eat better
before all the holiday deserts started.”
“Have you done all of your gift shopping?” I asked. “Just one or two more
people to buy for,” she replied, as she finished paying for her groceries. Now my
items were being rung through. I wanted to get her number, or give her mine.
But damn, she was starting to leave, the cashier was there and would hear my
attempt. My heart was pounding, and I was starting to panic, unsure of what to
do next. “Well, happy holidays,” she said, as she walked away.
And she disappeared. As my items were being bagged, I saw her pass by the
window outside, and she briefly glanced at me. A moment later I paid for my
groceries and hurried out, hoping to catch her and ask for her number. But she
was gone.
I returned to that store many times hoping to see her. Although I have dated
many women since then, I will always look upon that moment as a tragic lost
opportunity, wondering how things might have turned out had I seized it.
I vowed to never let something like that happen again.
It’s a true story and a common scenario for many men, especially those who
are shy (or extremely reserved, as some prefer to call the condition). There’s
nothing more frustrating for a guy to have this feeling of helplessness, to literally
watch an attractive woman slip by, and not know how to fix the situation. Sure,
there is always the standard advice of just go for it, but if you don’t have the
skills, your fear gets in the way, sabotaging your approach – if you can approach
at all.
Most of us believe women do not want to be approached by guys, because we
think it would be obvious we were hitting on her. So we wait until conditions are
absolutely perfect. The trouble is, if you are shy the perfect conditions are about
as common as a grand-prize lottery win.
For many reserved guys, dating is a cruel exercise in failure. For myself it was
only after many years of repetitive frustration that I finally chose to chart a new
destiny and improve my situation; the alternative was absolutely horrifying: stay
in the same rut, have zero success with women, and die alone surrounded by cute
but unappreciative goldfish. At first I was clueless about how to fix the situation.
Then I went looking for answers, which I have detailed here.
Though we examine actual conversations with women that led to dates, this is
not a Pickup Artist (PUA) book, but neither is it simply a manual that only
targets your social anxiety. I wanted to produce a well-rounded, one-stop
program, one that would tackle this frustrating dating problem for guys
everywhere, no matter their age or social comfort level.
As someone who has been there and then found pathways to success, I am
going to outline a series of exercises and instructions designed to improve your
social skills, measure by measure, until you are able to function at a level far
beyond what you now experience.
I’ve included sections on the different social behavior of men and women,
theories on attraction, and practical assignments designed to help the extremely
reserved man evolve from a stammering recluse into a confident man who is
comfortable interacting fully with women in whom he is interested.
I also researched the sometimes locked-in defeatist mindsets that some men
with social anxiety employ (the depth and extent of those defeatist mindsets and
negative convictions may surprise you), and the common tendency to blame
others rather than put in the effort and practice the techniques and habits needed
to improve their lives.
Later in the book I analyze for you the latest introduction techniques and how
shy men can learn to apply them effectively.
Included are many examples of actual opening lines, conversations, and
routines that have worked that will give you a clear understanding about the
nature of attraction, and how to apply it all to achieve successful dating.
Going from being extremely shy to comfortably interacting with women may
seem like a very ambitious goal to some. Much of my progress was trial and
error, and it took years to reach my present level of confidence in social
situations and having engaging conversations with women I find attractive. My
aim in writing this book is to not only give the reader a deeper understanding of
the problem of shyness as it relates to dating, but offer tips, insight and
reference-style assignments that will reduce the total time investment to a
fraction of what it would otherwise take.
Understanding Shyness
As shy individuals, we face an uphill battle. The world is awash with
competition and ambition, in everything from getting a job to getting a date. If
you are a reserved individual and hesitate or fail to convince others of your
positive attributes there will always be someone else ready to take what could be
yours. This is true everywhere – with recreational sports teams, the workplace,
and especially dating.
Every year thousands of articles and books are published on dating and
relationships. Suggestions are given on where to go to meet women, how to ask
a woman out, cultivating your bad boy attitude to make women swoon, and so
on. The vast majority of these self-help sources assume the reader just needs a
little tweaking in their presentation to get their dating engine started.
Unfortunately for the love shy, the advice these books espouse is completely
useless.
Love shy people, especially shy men, are so far removed from a healthy dating
life that the simple “polish” or “attitude adjustment” as preached by some guides
is about as effective as trying to paddle up Niagara Falls.
In fact, most self-help relationship books pay only scant attention to the love
shy, if the topic is mentioned at all. One relationship book I read devoted a
single paragraph to the extremely shy; the author had little to offer, suggesting
reserved, awkward daters with low self-esteem seek counseling for any deep-
seated trauma before attempting to date. While this may be sound advice for
those with deep-seated trauma, it is of little benefit to the just plain shy.
I have taken a more realistic approach with this book, which is designed
expressly for the Love Shy Man – a particularly difficult dater whose overriding
lack of confidence affects every aspect of his life, and all but completely ensures
his prior dating prospects were nil.
I say “his” life because overall this tends to be more of a male problem. In
general terms it is the man that is expected to take the assertive role, in
everything from the initial approach, to the first kiss, and finally the act of sex
itself. This is a generalization but gender roles bear this out, something I have
seen in my own personal experience, although there is a cultural shift afoot
where women feel comfortable in asking a man out.
Not to minimize the suffering some shy women go through, but given their
allowed passivity in the dating world women don’t need to be as outgoing to
attract men (although the extremely shy, reclusive woman will of course have
