Feeling good together : the secret of making troubled relationships work

244 Pages·2008·2.81 MB·English

by  Burns

Also by David D. Burns, MD:
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Intimate Connections
The Feeling Good Handbook
Ten Days to Self-Esteem
Ten Days to Self-Esteem: The Leader's Manual
When Panic Attacks

The ideas and techniques in this book are not intended as a substitute for consultation or treatment with a
qualified mental health professional. The names and identities of the people in this book have been
disguised extensively, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Part One: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
Chapter 1 What the Experts Say
Chapter 2 The Dark Side of Human Nature
Chapter 3 Why We Secretly Love to Hate
Chapter 4 Three Ideas That Can Change Your Life
Part Two: Diagnosing Your Relationship
Chapter 5 How Good Is Your Relationship? The Relationship Satisfaction
Test
Chapter 6 What Do You REALLY Want?
Chapter 7 The Price of Intimacy
Chapter 8 The Relationship Journal
Chapter 9 Good Communication vs. Bad Communication
Chapter 10 How We Control Other People
Chapter 11 Three Troubled Couples
Part Three: How to Develop Loving Relationships with the People You Care
About
Chapter 12 The Five Secrets of Effective Communication
Chapter 13 The Disarming Technique
Chapter 14 Thought and Feeling Empathy
Chapter 15 Inquiry: “Did I Get That Right?”
Chapter 16 “I Feel” Statements
Chapter 17 Stroking: “I— It” vs. “I—Thou” Relationships
Chapter 18 Putting It All Together: Solutions to Common Relationship
Problems
Part Four: Making the Five Secrets Work for You
Chapter 19 Mastering the Five Secrets
Chapter 20 Using the Five Secrets in Real Time: The Intimacy Exercise
Chapter 21 Intimacy Training for Couples: The One-Minute Drill
Part Five: Common Traps—and How to Avoid Them
Chapter 22 “Help! The Five Secrets Didn't Work!”
Chapter 23 Helping and Problem Solving
Chapter 24 Hiding Your Head in the Sand: Conflict Phobia and Anger
Phobia
Chapter 25 Apologizing: “Can't I Just Say, ‘I'm Sorry’?”
Chapter 26 Submissiveness: “I Must Please You”
Chapter 27 Resistance Revisited: “Why Should I Have to Do All the
Work?”
Part Six: Advanced Techniques
Chapter 28 Changing the Focus: Is There an Elephant in the Room?
Chapter 29 Positive Reframing: Opening the Door to Intimacy—and
Success
Chapter 30 Multiple-Choice Empathy: How to Talk to Someone Who
Refuses to Talk to You
Appendix: Your Intimacy Toolkit
I would like to thank my daughter, Signe Burns, who was my editor in chief for this book. Signe's
contributions were brilliant and extensive. Working with my daughter on this project has been
absolutely wonderful!
Several other editors have also helped me tremendously along the way, including Amy Hertz,
Marc Haeringer, and Sarah Manges. I am deeply indebted to all of them. Finally, I would like to
thank my editor at Broadway Books, Rebecca Cole. Wow! Your contributions were awesome!
T
roubled relationships hurt. Most of us base our feelings of self-worth, at least in part, on our
relationships with other people. It's no fun to argue or fight with someone you care about. Even a
feud with someone you don't care about can eat away at you and rob you of energy and joy.
If you're not getting along with someone, I've got some good news for you: I can show you how
to develop a far more rewarding relationship with that person. It makes no difference whether the
person you've been battling is your spouse, sibling, parent, neighbor, or friend, or even a complete
stranger. No matter who it is, I can show you how to transform feelings of frustration and resentment
into warmth and trust, and it can happen much faster than you think. In fact, sometimes it only takes
a few minutes.
However, it will require some hard work on your part, and you may have to look at some things
about yourself that you didn't want to see. The path to intimacy is nearly always painful. If you can
muster up some courage and humility, and you're willing to roll up your sleeves and do the work, I
can show you something truly amazing— something that will change your life.
David D. Burns, MD
Adjunct Clinical Professor Emeritus, Department of Psychiatry
and Behavioral Sciences, Stanford University School of Medicine

What the Experts Say
W
e all want friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often
end up with the exact opposite—hostility, bitterness, and distrust. Why is this?
Why can't we all just get along?
There are two competing theories. Most experts endorse the deficit theory.
According to this theory, we can't get along because we don't know how. In
other words, we fight because we lack the skills we need to solve the problems
in our relationships. When we were growing up, we learned reading, writing, and
arithmetic, but there weren't any classes on how to communicate or solve
relationship problems.
Other experts believe that we can't get along because we don't really want to.
This is called the motivational theory. In other words, we fight because we lack
the motivation to get close to the people we're at odds with. We end up
embroiled in hostility and conflict because the battle is rewarding.