Driven to Distraction

381 Pages·2009·1.4 MB·English

by  Jeremy Clarkson

Driven to Distraction
by Jeremy Clarkson
Published by the Penguin Group
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First published 2009
Copyright © Jeremy Clarkson, 2009
The moral right of the author has been asserted
All rights reserved
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part
of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or
transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright
owner and the above publisher of this book
ISBN: 978-0-14-194628-3
To everyone who made my Range Rover. Well done, chaps. It’s brilliant.
The contents of this book first appeared in the Sunday Times. Read more about the
world according to Clarkson every week in the Sunday Times.
Contents
Part 1
Okay tubby, you could get a nation out of a jam: Renault Clio
Whee, it’s a tax-dodging style guru’s dream ride: Nissan Navara
Wiggle your hips and drive like a Norwegian: Mercedes ML
This is the kind of gay I adore: Mazda MX-5
These Frenchies will never learn: Peugeot 407 Coupé
Venus has trouble with her underpinnings: Volvo C70 T5 SE Lux
It’s the Terry Wogan of superminis: Fiat Grande Punto
It’s a mobile branch of the entertainment industry: Mercedes-Benz S500
On second thoughts, this is a big mistake: Mercedes-Benz R-class
What a perfect way to make the girls go ‘Eugh’: Lexus IS 250
It’s a scream (yours) at 200 mph: Koenigsegg CCX
Get one fast before they muck it up: BMW M3 CS
A lucky strike to set Marks & Sparks flying: Mazda 6 MPS
It’s sex, but not as we know it: BMW Z4
If you see it in your mirror, surrender at once: Volkswagen
Transporter T30 TDI 174 Sportline
The poser ’s special just got potent: Audi TT 2.0T
Breaking the law just got easier: Peugeot 207
Now the rich can buy a car just like you: Maserati Quattroporte
Broken down, you can admire it even more: Aston Martin DB9 Coupé
It’s the best, but there’s a big catch: Porsche 911 Turbo
At long last, that hybrid hocus-pocus has a point: Lexus GS 450h SE-L
Look, Bishop Killjoy – I’ve found the holy grail: Ford S-Max 2.5 Titanium
Don’t all point and laugh at once: Nissan Micra C+C Essenza
Ice-cool cutie, you stole my heart: Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder
I’ve had more fun in a road digger: BMW Z4 M Coupé
My favourite car?: That’s a tricky one
I’m sorry, this is absolutely gross: Overfinch Range Rover SuperSport
My mission: to prove this car is not perfect: Audi RS4
Looks like a Bentley, drives like a duvet: Chrysler 300C CRD Touring
Something nasty under the bonnet: Volkswagen Phaeton
Oh baby, you’re just a rotten tease: Audi S6 Avant
Okay gorgeous, let’s pretend that little bit didn’t fall off: Jaguar XKR coupé
It’s the new champion of Formula Plonker: Renault Clio Sport 197
Have yourself a red-blooded time without riling greens: Alfa Romeo Brera Coupé V6
Think of it as the Golf GTI before it got fat: Volkswagen Polo 1.8 GTI
For once, I’d recommend the slower version: Audi TT V6 quattro
They’re fighting the last war – in slow motion: Land Rover Defender
90 Td5 Station Wagon
Better than a Mini – so just pretend it’s British: Suzuki Swift Sport
Lost in planet Devon with this big dope: Volkswagen Golf GT TSI
Buy one before they ban them: Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano
It’s damn clever, for a dog: BMW 335i SE Coupé
Worshipping the god of hell fire: Volvo XC90 V8 Sport
How to overtake everyone without really trying: Mitsubishi Evo IX
Ugly Betty, I want to make babies with you: BMW M6 convertible
That’s enough grief: now we can be kids again: Peugeot 207 GT
A case of power corrupting absolutely: Mégane Renaultsport 230 F1 Team R26
When the beeping stops, you may go: Lexus LS 460 SE-L
If it ain’t broke… oh, fix it anyway: Mini Cooper S
I saved a little girl’s life in this: Bentley Continental GTC
Mad, bad and utterly wonderful to know: Lamborghini Murciélago LP640
Foot down and mirror, signal, painkiller: Fiat Panda
Unlikely, but it’s a ray of sunshine: Ford Focus CC-3
Trying sooo hard not to be a hatchback: Nissan Qashqai 2.0 Tekna (4×4)
A bad attack of the Melvyn Braggs: Audi S3
Max power, mid cred: Vauxhall Corsa VXR
Yes, it’s a radical new concept… the boneshaker: Honda Civic Type R
It’s so comfortable you can run over anything up to a medium-sized fox and not even
notice: Audi R8
You’re going nowhere, sunshine: Mitsubishi Outlander Elegance
Good news and bad news for Mondeo man: Ford Mondeo Titanium X
Me, Grace Kelly, and an Italian love affair: Ferrari 275 GTS (1964)
Darling, I’d forgive you anything: Aston V8 Vantage Roadster
Drive this and the road zealots will have you: Mercedes C 280 Sport
Sorry, this drop top is stuck in Normal: BMW 335i SE Convertible
Kiss your knees goodbye, green people: Reva G-Wiz DC
Silence, please, for a new king of the road: Mercedes-Benz CL 600
Clarkson went on holiday to Ottawa, hired a dodgy Dodge and ‘hosed the Garden of
Eden down with 600 gallons of adrenaline’: Dodge Grand Caravan
Don’t call it ugly, call it quite brilliant: Skoda Roomster
The sausage dog with rottweiler bite: Ascari A10
Oh yes, it’s the great pretender: Volvo XC70 SE Sport
It doesn’t have to do anything but arrive: Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead Coupé
Let’s go tombstoning in carpet slippers: Maserati Quattroporte Executive GT
Call me stupid, but I like it: Fiat Bravo
The gun in Queen Victoria’s knicker drawer: Jaguar XJR 4.2 V8
Supercharged
An avenger hitting dealers where it hurts: Volvo S80 SE Sport
Living in the city and buying an off-roader is like permanently wearing a condom for
the one day a month you might get lucky: BMW X5
All the luxury you need but no pizzazz: Volkswagen Phaeton
Stay out of the real world, my little beauty: Mazda2
Follow me, vicar, into the red zone: Mazda CX-7
For an axe murderer, it’s a big softie: Subaru Impreza 2.5 WRX
Just what you didn’t want – a turbo toilet: Mini Cooper S Clubman
Beemed back to the wild days of youth: BMW 135i
Part 2
The straight’s story
Simpsons – Table Talk
I was a superyacht pirate
Behind Jeremy lines
Things can only get redder
I’m a space nut
Part I
Sunday 15 January 2006
Okay tubby, you could get a nation out of a jam
Renault Clio
Once again the mysterious Highways Agency has claimed that the slower you drive the
faster you will reach your destination. It sounds preposterous, but if you’re a subscriber
to the teachings of Lenin and Marx it’s true.
If everyone trundles to work at the People’s Tractor Factory No 37 in their Ladas at a
state controlled 40 mph, the motorway will run smoothly and efficiently. Especially if
the government radio is playing calming songs and the People’s Roadwork Johnnies
have not closed a selection of lanes so they can sit in a hut all day drinking vodka and
playing cards.
Unfortunately socialism like this doesn’t work because in reality roadwork people do
tend to close lanes and then retire to their huts for a game of whist. And what’s more,
you will always have people, usually in BMWs, who think their journey will be
completed a little more quickly if they duck and weave. And why not? It’s by ducking
and weaving in life that they ended up with such expensive cars.
Similarly there are those, usually in N-registered Peugeots, who drive as though they’ve
been plugged into the mains. They cannot maintain a constant speed, which means they
creep up to the car in front and then brake. And then repeat the process. Endlessly.
These people, like those in the Beemers, cause the big metal traffic snake to judder and
stall. These are the ones who bring the socialist ideology crashing to the ground.