Table Of ContentPraise for Choosing ME before WE
“Christine Arylo has written a wise and inspired guide on how to become the
woman you’d need to be in order to attract and draw in the extraordinary love
you’ve been looking for.”
— Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of
Calling in “The One”
“Choosing Me Before We empowers women of all ages everywhere to connect
within, fall in love with YOU, and let your romantic relationships be yummy
side dishes to the most important entrée — your relationship with yourself. A
savory, sassy read for every woman seeking more than a fleeting fairy tale.”
— Kimberly Wilson, author of Hip Tranquil Chick
“Christine Arylo advocates for every woman to have the love she truly craves
and deserves. Reading Choosing Me before We will empower and challenge you
in ways that are both nurturing and effective. Starting with her own personal
experience, Christine offers the tips and tools a woman needs to fall in love with
her ultimate soul mate: herself. And from that foundation, she can find a ‘he’ and
create a healthy and supportive ‘we.’ Every woman should have Choosing Me
before We on her nightstand.”
— Christine Hassler, author of 20 Something Manifesto
CHOOSING
ME before WE
CHOOSING
ME before WE
Every Woman’s Guide to Life and Love
CHRISTINE ARYLO
New World Library
Novato, California
Copyright © 2009 by Christine Arylo
All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored
in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic,
mechanical, or other — without written permission from the publisher, except by
a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.
Text design by Tona Pearce Myers
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Arylo, Christine.
Choosing ME before WE : every woman’s guide to life and love / Christine
Arylo.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p. 206).
ISBN 978-1-57731-641-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Self-realization in women. 2. Self-perception in women. 3. Self-acceptance
in women. 4. Women—Psychology. I. Title.
HQ1206.A79 2009
155.6’33—dc222008044940
First printing, February 2009
ISBN 978-1-57731-641-1
Printed in Canada on 100% postconsumer-waste recycled paper
New World Library is a proud member of the Green Press Initiative.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To all women — past, present, and future —
who have dared to live from their heart and soul
and have had the courage to believe that anything is possible
Contents
Let’s Get to Know Each Other
PROLOGUE
You’re Invited!
INTRODUCTION
Part One. ME
One. Knowing ME: Who Is This Woman Called ME?
Getting Beyond the Image to Unleash the True You
Two. Truthfully ME: How Real Am I with Myself?
The Lies We Tell and the Honesty We Need
about Ourselves, Our Guys, and Our Relationships
Three. Loving ME: Do I Really Love ME, All of Her?
What This Means and What It Takes
Four. Trusting ME: Who’s That Talking Inside Me?
Embracing Your Intuition
Five. Honoring ME: Who Said Settling for Less
and Sacrificing Are Mandatory?
How to Say NO! to Settling for Less and ! to Yourself
YES
Part Two. HE
Six. Choosing Your Core Four
Get the Man You Want by First Getting Clear
on What You Really Want
Part Three. WE
Seven. Getting Wise about WE
Four Shortcuts to Creating Authentic
Partnerships Instead of Unhealthy Relationships
Eight. Getting the Intimacy We Crave
If We Want It, We Must Be Willing
to Give It First
A FINAL NOTE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INSPIRATION, IDEAS, AND MORE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PROLOGUE
Let’s Get to Know Each Other
H
ave you ever felt that you walk the path of your life alone? That you are the
only woman to ever make painful, stupid mistakes? To settle for less? To
desperately desire love above all else? To yearn for a real partner so much that it
hurts? Have you ever thought, “Why is every woman but me in a great
relationship? Why can’t I be that happy?” Or found yourself rejected by the
person you love, and figured that something was wrong with you?
When the devastating breakdown of my fifteen-year relationship stabbed
me, at the age of thirty, like a wild boar’s tusk ripping through my heart, I was
convinced that I was the only woman who had ever made such a complete mess
of her life. I felt alone, rejected, and furious that I had deceived myself for so
long. That I had given up my “self ” to keep the love of another for years, only to
be left with a heart torn to shreds. What I realized shortly after the initial blow of
my relationship’s end was that I had failed to understand that, above all else, I
needed to honor the most important relationship in my life first — the one with
myself.
This ending became a beginning for me, in which I learned many things. I
finally got that I didn’t need to feel so damn alone in my experiences — I had
sisters on the crazy and confusing journey of being a woman. For better or for
worse, as women we have many of the same stories, heartbreaks, obstacles, and
expectations. I also learned that we don’t have to remain captive to the limiting
beliefs swirling in our psyches and in society, which keep us far from our
dreams. We always have a choice. Along life’s path, we all have the opportunity
to gain wisdom from our mistakes, the self-awareness that comes from healing
our wounds, and clarity by claiming our needs.
If we are lucky enough to wake up to the immense power we have to create
our lives, we have a responsibility to share our stories and insights with others.
Otherwise, the true power of our realizations is lost. Sharing allows us to see
ourselves in the words of others, gain witnesses to our personal journey, and
broaden the possibilities that lie before us. Through sharing, we as women can
provide the emotional inspiration that others can use to eliminate the “shoulds,”
the “musts,” and the “cannots” that bar their way to creating the kinds of lives
and relationships they truly desire.
I, too, relied on the wisdom and support of many women, some of them
total strangers, to progress through my own “long, dark night of the soul.” By
watching others and listening, I learned that to fully and wholeheartedly love
another I first needed to fully and wholeheartedly embrace my “self.” This
realization was a major source of inspiration in my decision to share my
knowledge and experiences with other women through Choosing ME before WE.
The following pages take us on a journey together. In them, I share the
wisdom I gained on my personal path as I went from being a person I thought I
knew and loved to being one I actually do know and love. I share with you
stories from my own adventure as well as those of my dearest friends, all women
trying to find sources of love and happiness but often looking in the wrong
places. And, I ask you to take a careful look at the life you have created and
honestly answer the question “Am I honoring the most important relationship in
my life first — the one with myself?”
Before we go any further, since we are going to hang out for the next eight
chapters or so, I would like to give you the opportunity to get to know me better.
While you may already know my name, Christine Arylo (pronounced ah-rye-lo),
what you don’t know is that my last name doesn’t belong to anyone but me. Not
to the family I was born to, not to my husband . . . just to me. When I was a
teenager, I felt as if I were walking around the planet with someone else’s
middle and last names. So, being the “rebel” that I fancied myself to be, at the
age of eighteen I boldly declared that I was renouncing my middle name and
going on a search for a new one that fit me. I had the grand illusion that I would
find this perfect name while on some special quest — maybe on a journey to
Africa or in a magical passage in an ancient text. While it didn’t happen like I
thought it would — there was no excursion to a foreign continent — fifteen
years later I did find the name, or rather, the name found me. While running next
door to borrow some sugar from my neighbor, I met a visiting eight-year-old
boy, who said to me, “Hi, my name is Orilo.” The sound of his name rang
through every part of my soul, and I knew I had found a part of me that I had
been missing. It was as if my entire body just shook and I had been given the key
to a long-ago locked door. The irony of the experience was that all I wanted was
