Table Of ContentCHOCOLATE AND CUCKOO CLOCKS
ALAN COREN (1938–2007) was a celebrated English humorist, writer and
satirist who was also well known as a BBC radio and television personality. He
was the editor of Punch magazine for nine years, and was described by the
Sunday Times newspaper as ‘the funniest man in Britain’.
GILES AND VICTORIA COREN are both writers, living in London.
Chocolate and Cuckoo Clocks
THE ESSENTIAL
ALAN
COREN
Edited by Giles Coren and Victoria Coren
TEXT PUBLISHING MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA
The Text Publishing Company
Swann House
22 William St
Melbourne Victoria 3000
Australia
textpublishing.com.au
Copyright © The Estate of Alan Coren, 2008
Foreword and selection copyright © Giles Coren and Victoria Coren, 2008
Introductions copyright © Melvyn Bragg, Victoria Wood, Clive James,
A.A. Gill and Stephen Fry, 2008
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication shall be
reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of both the
copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
First published in Great Britain by Canongate Books Ltd., 2008
This edition published by The Text Publishing Company, 2009
Printed and bound in Australia by Griffin Press National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Coren, Alan, 1938-2007.
Chocolate and cuckoo clocks : the essential Alan Coren /
Alan Coren ; editors Victoria Coren, Giles Coren.
ISBN: 9781921520655 (pbk.) Ebook ISBN: 9781921834424 (pbk.) English wit and humour. Great Britain-
-Social life
and customs--20th century--Humour.
Coren, Giles.
Coren, Victoria, 1972- .
828.91409
‘Since both Switzerland’s national products, snow and
chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in
order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.’
ALAN COREN
Contents
Foreword by Giles and Victoria Coren 1. Present Laughter
Southgate–San Francisco–Fleet Street: 1960–1969
Introduction by Melvyn Bragg 2. No, But I Saw the Movie
3. Through a Glass, Darkly
4. It Tolls for Thee
5. . . . that Fell on the House that Jack Built
6. Under the Influence of Literature
7. This Thing with the Lions
8. Bohemia
9. The Power and the Glory
10. Mao, He’s Making Eyes At Me!
11. Death Duties
‘The Funniest Writer In Britain Today’: 1970–1979
Introduction by Victoria Wood 12. Boom, What Makes My House Go Boom?
13. Suffer Little Children
14. Ear, Believed Genuine Van Gogh, Hardly Used, What Offers?
15. Father’s Lib
16. Let Us Now Phone Famous Men
17. The Rime of the Ancient Film-maker
18. Good God, That’s Never The Time, Is It?
19. Going Cheep
20. Go Easy, Mr Beethoven, That Was Your Fifth!
21. Take the Wallpaper in the Left Hand and the Hammer in the Right . . .
22. Owing to Circumstances Beyond our Control 1984 has been
Unavoidably Detained . . .
23. Foreword to Golfing for Cats: An Apology to the Bookseller
24. Baby Talk, Keep Talking Baby Talk
25. The Hell at Pooh Corner
26. And Though They Do Their Best To Bring Me Aggravation . . .
27. Life mit Vater
28. Dr No will See You Now
29. Bottle Party
30. The Unacknowledged Legislators of the World
31. The Hounds Of Spring Are On Winter’s Traces, So That’s Thirty-Eight-
Pounds-Forty, Plus Making Good, Say, Fifty Quid
Appendix: The Bulletins of Idi Amin
32. All O’ De People, All De Time
33. A Word F’om De Sponsor
34. De Whitehall Snub
35. A Star Gittin’ Born
The Golden Age: 1980–1989
Introduction by Clive James 36. Tax Britannica
37. Blue Flics
38. Smiling Through
39. The Gospel According to St Durham
40. O Little Town of Cricklewood
41. Just a Gasp at Twilight
42. For Fear of Finding Something Worse
43. Mr Noon by D.H. Lawrence
44. No Bloody Fear
45. Getting the Hump
46. True Snails Read (anag., 8, 6)
47. One is One and All Alone
48. £10.66 And All That
49. Red Sales in the Sunset
50. Cave Canem
The Cricklewood Years: 1990–1999
Introduction by A.A. Gill 51. Here We Go Round the Prickly Pear
52. Uneasy Lies the Head
53. Salt in the Wound
54. Good God, That’s Never The Time? (2)
55. Japanese Sandmen
56. Card Index
57. Brightly Shone The Rain That Night
58. Tuning Up
59. The Queen, My Lord, is Quite Herself, I Fear
60. The Green Hills of Cricklewood
61. Making Old Bones
62. Osric the Hedgehog
63. Doom’d For a Certain Term to Walk the Night
64. Garden Pests
65. Time for a Quick One?
66. The Leaving of Cricklewood
67. Lo, Yonder Waves the Fruitful Palm!
68. Fabric Conditioning
69. Numbers Racket
70. Eight Legs Worse
71. Do Dilly-Dally on the Way
72. On a Wing and a Prayer
73. And Did Those Feet?
74. Nothing But The Truth
The Last Decade: 2000–2007
Introduction by Stephen Fry 75. Radio Fun
76. Not My Bag
77. Queening It
78. Domestic Drama
79. Road Rage
80. Southern Discomfort
81. Poles Apart
82. All Quiet On The Charity Front
83. Ah, Yes, I Remember It Well!
84. I Blame the Dealers
85. The Long Goodbye
Foreword
by Giles and Victoria Coren
