child sexual abuse

209 Pages·2009·2.51 MB·English

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

Child Survivors, Mothers,
and Perpetrators Tell Their Stories

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ALSO BY JANE GILGUN

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On Being a Sh*t: Unkind Deeds and Cover-Ups in Everyday Life,
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all available at www.amazon.com/shorts and Amazon Kindle

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with Marvin Sussman
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

Child Survivors, Mothers
and Perpetrators Tell Their ,Stories

Jane Gilgun

Alankaar Sharma

www.lulu.com
The stories and direct quotes in this book are from interviews the first author conducted
with perpetrators, parents, and survivors of child sexual abuse. Their names and identify-
ing information have been changed. The research was approved by the ethics committees
of the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA and Syracuse University, USA

First published in the United States of America in 2008
by Lulu Enterprises, 860 Aviation Parkway, Suite 300
Morrisville, NC 27560

This book is available at lulu.com/content/182303
and other on-line book sellers.

Copyright © 2008 by Jane Gilgun & Alankaar Sharma
[email protected]
[email protected]

The rights of Jane Gilgun amd Alankaar Sharma to be identified as the author of this work
have been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright Designs
and Patents Act of 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval systems,
or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording,
or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner, except for brief
quotes in reviews, articles, and blogs.

Gilgun, Jane & Alankaar Sharma.
Child Sexual Abuse: Survivors and Perpetrators Tell Their Stories
/by Jane Gilgun & Alankaar Sharma

ISBN-6
1. social science 2. self-help 3. psychology 4. child sexual abuse 5. violence and abuse I.
Title. 1991 pages, Includes Endnotes and Index

Parts of this book have been published at fionaspeaks.blogspot.com, helium.com, and in
Gilgun, Jane F. (1996). Human development and adversity in ecological perspective, Part
2: Three patterns. Families in Society, 77, 459-576.
Gilgun, Jane F. (1995). We sha(cid:0)(cid:1)r(cid:2)e(cid:3)d something special: The moral discourse of incest perpetra-
tors. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 57 5-281
Gilgun, Jane F. (1994). Avenge(cid:0)rs(cid:1),(cid:2) c(cid:3)o(cid:4)(cid:3)n(cid:5)q(cid:6)(cid:7)u(cid:3)(cid:8)e(cid:7)r(cid:9)o(cid:10)r(cid:11)s(cid:3),(cid:5) (cid:12)p(cid:13)l(cid:14)a(cid:7)(cid:15)y(cid:16)m(cid:14)(cid:1)a(cid:4)t(cid:3)es(cid:5), and lovers: A continuum of roles
played by perpetrators of child sexual abuse. -480.
Gilgun, Jane F. (1988). Why children don't (cid:1)t(cid:6)e(cid:3)ll: Fear of separation & loss & the disclosure of
child sexual abuse. New Designs in Youth Development, 8, -20. (cid:17)(cid:10)(cid:18)(cid:19)(cid:8)(cid:1)(cid:4)(cid:7)
Gilgun, Jane F(cid:1)(cid:2). ((cid:7)l(cid:8)986). Sexually abused girls' knowledge of sexual abuse and sexuality.
of Interpersonal Violence, 1, -225.
Gilgun(cid:6), (cid:3)(cid:5)Ja(cid:9)ne F., & Laura McLeod (1999). Gendering violence. Studies in Symbolic
Interactionism, 22, 193.
Gilgun, Jane F., & Elizabeth Reiser (1990). The development of sexual identity among
men sexually abused as children. Families in Society, 71(9), 515-523.
Gilgu(cid:1)(cid:10)n(cid:4), (cid:8)Jane F., & Teresa M. Connor (1989). How perpetrators view child sexual abuse.
Social Work, 34, -351.
Gilgun, Jane F., Susan Keskinen, Danette Jones Ma(cid:20)r(cid:7)(cid:0)ti(cid:1), (cid:2)&(cid:3)(cid:4) (cid:3)(cid:5)K(cid:6)(cid:7)(cid:3)a(cid:8)y(cid:7) (cid:9)(cid:10)R(cid:11)i(cid:3)c(cid:5)e(cid:12)(cid:13). (cid:14)(cid:7)(199(cid:3)9(cid:2))(cid:8). (cid:9)(cid:3)C(cid:4)l(cid:6)in(cid:11)ical
applications of the CASPARS instruments: Boys who act out sexually 80,
Sharma, Alankaar, & Jane F. Gilg(cid:21)u(cid:8)n(cid:22) (cid:3)((cid:1)in(cid:8) (cid:7)(cid:17)p(cid:10)r(cid:18)e(cid:19)s(cid:8)s)(cid:1). (cid:4)(cid:7)I(cid:10)n(cid:23)(cid:7) (cid:9)t(cid:10)h(cid:11)e(cid:3)i(cid:1)r(cid:4) (cid:7)(cid:24)ow(cid:10)n(cid:19)(cid:25) (cid:1)words: Learning about child
(cid:1)sexual abuse by listening to the perpetrators.
Printed in the United States of America
For Our Families
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

M
any people have contributed to the research on which this book
is based. First of all, we want to thank the girl survivors who
shared their life stories. In their openness and honesty, they
showed that the human spirit can cope with trauma when other people
stand by them. They spoke about their lives because they wanted to help
other children. These young people and others like them have inspired us to
write this book.
Adult survivors, mothers of survivors, and perpetrators of child
sexual abuse also shared their stories. They too wanted to contribute to
the prevention of child sexual abuse and to let survivors know what child
sexual abuse meant to them.
This book would not have been written without many
professionals who not only offered encouragement, time to talk about the
stories we heard, and access to persons whose stories are the foundation
of this book. These professionals are Robin Goldman, Jim Kaul, Steve
Sawyer, Steve Huot, Gerry Kaplan, Tom Fuller, Nancy O’Hara, Nancy
Steele, Pete Rieke, Jim Berg, Cynthia Woodward, and Bev Welo.
Transcriptionist Nancy Zedlik-Zimney was invaluable, not only in
the accuracy of her work but also with the insights she shared over the years.
Her son Josh grew from little boy to man during her time working on this
project. She now has the best cat hotel in Minnesota and has provided reha-
bilitative services to thousands of birds, small wild animals, dogs, and cats.
At the University of Minnesota, Dean Keith McFarland, Dean
Mary Heltsley, and Professors Dave Hollister, Jean Quam, and Jim Re-
inardy get special thanks for their support, both moral and financial, for this
project.
The research was funded by the Minnesota Agricultural
Experiment Station, the Saint Paul Foundation, the Silberman Foundation,
the Ms. Foundation, the University of Minnesota, and the U.S. Centers for
Disease Control.
FOREWORD

T
his book is for people who want to understand child sexual abuse
in new ways. A main feature is stories that survivors, perpetrators,
and mothers of child survivors tell. Through stories, this book
answers many questions about child sexual abuse. How can they
do these things to children? Why don’t the children tell someone? Does the
mother always know? Does the father? Do abused children become abusers?
By answering these questions, this book challenges myths and clears up
misunderstandings about child sexual abuse.
In their own words, perpetrators, survivors, and mothers answer
important questions about child sexual abuse. They show that child sexual
abuse is an abuse of power, where older, stronger, and more knowledgeable
persons take advantage of children for their own sexual and emotional
gratification and sometimes for financial gain.
Readers will learn what child sexual abuse means to perpetrators, to
survivors, and to mothers of surviviors, how afraid children are to tell
someone, why perpetrators get away with child sexual abuse sometimes for
years, and how to talk to children who have been sexually abused.
Survivors will see themselves in the stories and will gain insight and
understanding into what happened to them as children. They will find that
they are not alone. Other survivors have experiences similar to theirs.
Through reading what perpetrators themselves say, they will realize that
perpetrators are self-centered and have callous disregard for what child
sexual abuse means to children. The only persons responsible for child
sexual abuse are perpetrators.
Mothers of survivors will learn that schock, initial disbelief, fears of
losing everything, and their willingness to do anything to protect their
children are typical responses. Contrary to popular myths, mothers do not
always know and only rarely do they collude and fail to protect.
Family members will learn how to be emotionally available to
survivors, how to hold perpetrators accountable, and what to do when they
suspect that someone is sexually abusing a child. They will see the wisdom
of providing a kind of “holding environment” for children and families
affected by sexual abuse; that is, they will provide support and compassion
while assisting family members to deal constructively with child sexual abuse
so that perpetrators will get help and survivors and other family members
will cope with, adapt to, and overcomes the effects of the sexual abuse.
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Persons who have abused children sexually will have to face the
truth: child sexual abuse is not a loving, selfless act. Child sexual abusers
take advantage of children and hurt them. They will see that taking
responsibility for their behaviors is a loving, selfless act that helps survivors
recover from being sexually abused.
Professionals will find information that will increase their
knowledge and effectiveness as therapists, case managers, and program
administrators. This book will provide valuable information to educators
and mental health professionals on which to base trainings and programs for
prevention, not only to empower childen to take care of themselves, but also
to prevent the development of sexually abusive behaviors and to educate
parents and professionals about what they can do to create safety for
children and to promote their healthy development.
Policy makers will find new directions in their efforts to make
families and communities safe for children. The straightforward
information in this book challenges the myths that fuel debates about child
sexual abuse. Judges, attorneys, and police will find fresh ideas that will help
them get at the truth when confronted with allegations of child sexual
abuse.
Contents

PART ONE

Understanding Child Sexual Abuse

1 Introduction 1
What Child Sexual Abuse Means
to Survivors and Abusers

Child survivors think sexual abuse is their fault:
Perpetrators know otherwise

2 What Child Sexual Abuse is and is Not

Perpetrators take advantage of children
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3 Many People are Sexually Abused

Current figures are underestimates

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4 Perpetrators are Trusted Family Members,
Friends, and Professionals
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to be pillars of the community, but they often are

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5 Signs of Child Sexual Abuse
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Signs may be direct, indirect, chronic, and hidden
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6 Gaining Access to Children

Many perpetrators have easy access to children
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7 Healthy Adult-Child Relationships

Adults exercise their authority with care.
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8 Stigma, Silence, and Not Telling
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9 Social Forces That Allow
Child Sexual Abuse to Exist
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-wide problem
of enormous proportions
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PART TWO

Types of Child Sexual Abuse

Section One

Incest

10 Incest & Disturbances in Family Relationships

Incest disturbs a healthy balance
of love, authority, and safety

11 Signs of Incest

12 Mothers’ Reactions to Disclosure

Section Two

Child Molestation
By Non-Family Members

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14 Known Persons as Perpetrators

Perpetrators betray children’s trust
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5 Strangers as Perpetrators

Strange child molestation takes many forms,
all for the gain of perpetrators