Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: How to Move Beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future

289 Pages·2005·2.6 MB·English

by  Beverly Engel

TLFeBOOK
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Breaking the
Cycle of Abuse
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Breaking the
Cycle of Abuse
How to Move beyond Your Past
to Create an Abuse-Free Future
Beverly Engel
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
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Copyright ©2005 by Beverly Engel. All rights reserved
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey
Published simultaneously in Canada
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Engel, Beverly.
Breaking the cycle of abuse : how to move beyond your past to create an
abuse-free future / Beverly Engel.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-471-65775-1 (cloth)
1. Family violence. 2. Victims of family violence. 3. Sexual abuse
victims. 4. Psychological abuse. I. Title.
HV6626.E54 2004
362.82'924—dc22
2004006065
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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I dedicate this book to every person
who continues to struggle to break
the cycle of abuse. I commend you
on your courage and determination
and offer you my deepest respect.
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Contents
Acknowledgments ix
Introduction 1
Part One Understanding the Legacy of Abuse
1 What Will Be Your Legacy? 9
2 Assessing Your Risk Factors 23
3 Why We Do to Others (and Ourselves) What
Was Done to Us 42
Part Two Facing the Truth and Facing Your Feelings
4 Coming Out of Denial 59
5 Learn to Identify and Manage Your Emotions 72
6 Learn How to Identify and Manage Your Shame 86
7 Managing Your Anger 115
8 Coping with Fear 138
Part Three Abuse Prevention Strategies
9 How to Prevent Partner Abuse 157
10 How to Prevent Child Abuse 181
11 If You Have Already Become Abusive 202
12 If You Have Already Been Abused or Established
a Victim Pattern 212
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viii Contents
Part Four Long-Term Strategies to Help You
Break the Cycle
13 Emotionally Separating from Your Parents 223
14 Facing the Truth about Your Family Legacy 235
15 Breaking into the Dysfunctional Family System 241
16 Continue to Heal 253
Epilogue 258
Resources 259
References 263
Recommended Reading 266
Index 270
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Acknowledgments
Once again I wish to thank my fantastic support team: Tom Miller, my
editor at John Wiley & Sons, and Stedman Mays and Mary Tahan, my
wonderful agents. Tom, thank you so much for your expert guidance,
your continued support, your unwavering faith in me, and your
incredible patience as I continue to turn in manuscripts that are too
long. Sted and Mary, aside from being the best agents anyone could
ask for, you are incredible human beings. Thank you for all your hard
work and for treating me with dignity, kindness, and generosity. I
especially want to thank you, Mary, for all your hard work on my for-
eign rights sales. Also, thanks for all your fabulous title and subtitle
suggestions—including the subtitle to this book!
I would also like to thank all the clients I have worked with over
the years who so bravely endeavored to heal from their abuse and
break the cycle. I learned much of what I know from you. Even
though the case examples presented are composites of clients (in
order to protect each client’s identity), your stories created the back-
bone of this book. Thank you for your stories, the insights about your-
selves that you shared with me, and most especially for your courage
and determination to heal and to stop passing on the legacy of abuse.
I called upoon my many years of experience working with abused
and abusive clients for much of what I wrote in this book, as well as
my own experiences in healing. I also relied on research conducted by
other professionals to round out my own knowledge and experience. I
wish to thank the following researchers for their contributions to the
field of abuse and trauma recovery: Judith Herman, M.D., author of
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic
Abuse to Political Terror,and Lenore Terr, M.D., author of Too Scared
to Cry:How Trauma Affects Children ... and Ultimately Us All.
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