Taking Charge of Anger: How to Resolve Conflict, Sustain Relationships, and Express Yourself without Losing Control

257 Pages·2004·1.37 MB·English

by  W. Robert Nay

Taking Charge of Anger
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Taking Charge
of Anger
HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT,
SUSTAIN RELATIONSHIPS,
AND EXPRESS YOURSELF
WITHOUT LOSING CONTROL
W. Robert Nay, PhD
THE GUILFORD PRESS
New York London
© 2004 The Guilford Press
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Nay,W.Robert.
Takingchargeofanger:howtoresolveconflict,sustain
relationships,andexpressyourselfwithoutlosingcontrol/
W.RobertNay.
p. cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
ISBN-10:1-57230-680-7 ISBN-13:978-1-57230-680-6(pbk.)
ISBN-10:1-57230-927-X ISBN-13:978-1-57230-927-2(hc.)
1. Anger. 2. Interpersonalconflict. I. Title.
BF575.A5N392004
152.4′7—dc21
2003010342
To my wife, Joyce
And again, to my parents, Bill and Jane,
who made me what I am
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise . . .
—RUDYARD KIPLING, “If”
Contents
Acknowledgments ix
Introduction 1
S
TEP ONE
Understanding and Recognizing Anger
CHAPTER 1 The Faces of Anger: 13
Who Do You See in the Mirror?
CHAPTER 2 Behind the Mask: 29
Understanding Anger and Its Expression
S
TEP TWO
Identifying and Preparing for Anger Triggers
CHAPTER 3 Understanding Your Anger Triggers 51
S
TEP THREE
Pinpointing Your Anger Early On
and Dampening Arousal
CHAPTER 4 Anger Awareness 77
CHAPTER 5 Dampening Anger Arousal 91
vii
viii Contents
S
TEP FOUR
Identifying and Changing Thoughts That Fuel Anger
CHAPTER 6 Recognizing Thoughts That Fuel Anger 109
CHAPTER 7 Rewriting Your Script: 123
New Thinking for New Solutions
S
TEP FIVE
Staying Cool Under Fire
CHAPTER 8 Assertive Problem Solving: Expressing Anger 145
Constructively in Conflict Situations
CHAPTER 9 When Anger Is Aimed at You 163
S
TEP SIX
Staying the Course: Sustaining New Behavior
and Coping with Roadblocks
CHAPTER 10 Establishing New Anger Habits 183
CHAPTER 11 So You’ve Had a Setback: 196
Getting Back on Track
APPENDIX 1 Self-Assessment of Anger Questionnaire (SAQ) 219
APPENDIX 2 Personal Anger Scale 227
APPENDIX 3 Anger Analysis 228
Suggested Resources 231
Bibliography 238
Index 240
About the Author 246
Acknowledgments
For the past twenty years I have been working with good and caring
people who sometimes do just the opposite of their nature: They let
theirangercontrolthem,tothedetrimentoftheirmostimportantre-
lationships.Iwrotetwograduatetextbookssomeyearsago,butIknew
I wanted to write a book that would appeal to a broad audience who,
asfalliblehumans,sometimeslettheirangergetthebestofthem.The
question was how. How to make it readable and filled with useful in-
formationthatmighthaveanimpactonthereader’sthinkingandsub-
sequent approach to anger?
I have many people to thank for this book, the outcome of my
yearning to reach the most critical audience for any book: those peo-
ple who can use the information to immediately begin to transform
their lives. First, I would like to thank the many clients who shared
their experiences with anger as I tried to steer them in a different life
course. I have learned much from their candor and vulnerability in
sharingpainfulinformationwithme.It’snoteasytoadmitthatyou’ve
acted in socially undesirable ways, that you have an “anger problem.”
But they were brave enough to come into treatment and get some
help. I am grateful to all of them.
I also have learned a lot from my colleagues. I have offered train-
inginangermanagementtomentalhealth,substanceabuse,andedu-
cational professionals at universities, agencies, and day-long seminars
around the United States for the American Healthcare Institute. I
have been enriched by the clinical thinking and experiences my col-
leagues have shared with me. I rarely give a seminar where I don’t
learn something new.
ix