Table Of Content“This book, based on so much experience and wisdom, will be tremendously
useful for millions of people in relationships where trust has been damaged. I
found important insights and suggestions everywhere.”
—Pepper Schwartz, author of Love Between Equals
“If you want to find your way back to the people you love, this book is a must-
read. It offers a step-by-step map for rebuilding trust and helping you find peace
within.”
—Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting
“Mira Kirshenbaum gives us hope when the inevitable crises of betrayal besiege
our most important relationships. With profound clarity and sensitivity, she
guides us on a path toward surprisingly effective healing.”
—Rabbi Ted Falcon, PhD, spiritual therapist
and coauthor of Religion Gone Astray
“Practical and helpful … a complete guide to rebuilding damaged trust.
Kirshenbaum shows us how hurts and challenges people struggle with can be
overcome. A convincingly hopeful book to overcome the despair of mistrust.”
—Eva Fogelman, PhD, author of the Pulitzer Prize
nominee Conscience and Courage
“Mira Kirshenbaum is a steady guide through the muddy waters of heartbreak
and betrayal, offering sound strategies for making good decisions in tough
times.”
—Dr. Dorothy Firman, author Engaging Life:
Living Well with Chronic Illness
“A path-breaking book on restoring trust in relationships. A wonderful read
based on deeply felt experiences.”
—Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, author of How Can I Forgive You?
“This practical must-read book is for anyone who has ever suffered the hurt and
pain of mistrust. Kirshenbaum’s gifted insights are profound and they show you
how to restore trust with your closest loved ones.”
—Lee Raffel, MSW, author of I Hate Conflict!
“ ‘I Love You But I Don’t Trust You’ is not just about recovering from infidelity,
but is relevant for anyone who has been deeply wronged. Mira has a brilliant
ability to teach people how to approach each other in ways that are minimally
inflammatory in what is otherwise an emotional minefield.”
—Val Jones, MD, award-winning writer and CEO of Better Health
“Mira Kirshenbaum has hit another one out of the park. Her no-nonsense
approach offers thoughtful, practical step-by-step methods to assess whether and
how to rebuild the trust in your relationship.”
—Diana Mercer, JD, coauthor, Making Divorce Work
“[An] in-depth understanding of how we are affected when trust is broken and
how we can heal and grow stronger when our hearts are shattered. This is [for]
anyone who longs for intimacy and has not known how to keep it alive in the
face of a trust broken.”
—Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, EdD, PhD, author of The Curse of the Capable
“As a man I found ‘I Love You but I Don’t Trust You’ to be a real eye-opener. I
usually figured—like many other men—that if you sincerely say that you’re
sorry for mistakes that everything would be okay afterward. But after reading
this book, I’ve found that there is much more to understand about genuine trust.
This book is definitely one that every couple needs on their bookshelf to refer to
often because a big mistake in this area may destroy a once-great love forever!”
—Steve Nakamoto, author of Talk Like a Winner!
“[Kirshenbaum] gives brave advice for overcoming the devastating effects of
betrayed trust, and gives hope that we actually might be able to salvage and
repair important relationships. A much-needed guidebook to trust—the essential
building block of all relationships.”
—Carol Evans, president, Working Mother Media
“Kirshenbaum’s clear-eyed, heartfelt, and down-to-earth advice is a blueprint for
how to heal the pain of a betrayal, restore lost trust to your relationship, and
make it stronger and better than ever before.”
—Diane Guernsey, executive editor of Pulse magazine
“I Love You,
But I Don’t
Trust You”
THE COMPLETE GUIDE
TO RESTORING TRUST IN
YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Mira Kirshenbaum
THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a
division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of
Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park,
New Delhi—110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland, 0632 New
Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England While the author has
made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication,
neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after
publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility
for author or third-party websites or their content.
Copyright © 2012 by Mira Kirshenbaum
Cover design by Diana Kolsky
Book design by Tiffany Estreicher
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without
permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the
author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
BERKLEY® is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
PUBLISHING HISTORY
Berkley trade paperback edition / February 2012
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Kirshenbaum, Mira.
I love you, but I don’t trust you / Mira Kirshenbaum.
p. cm.
EISBN: 9781101560044
1. Man-woman relationships2. Trust.3. Betrayal.I. Title.
HQ801.K56572012
155.6’453—dc23 2011028874
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To all of us: Because, in spite of how hurt we are,
in spite of how often we screw up, we still keep trying as best
we can to create a world where trust makes sense.
Contents
PART ONE
You Can Restore Trust in Your Relationships
1. Finding Your Way Back to Each Other
2. All the Ways Mistrust Enters Relationships
3. Is It Worth Trying to Mend This Relationship?
4. Yes, You Can Trust Again … Success Stories
5. The Secret of Restoring Trust
PART TWO
Restoring Trust After a Major Betrayal
6. No, You’re Not Crazy
7. Discovering That the Other Person Actually Cares
8. Feeling Seen
9. Believing in the Relationship Again
10. So This Will Never Happen Again
11. Forgiveness and Beyond
PART THREE
Restoring Trust in Other Situations
12. When the Other Person Is Unreliable
13. Power Issues
14. Restoring Trust When There Are Differences
15. Being Open vs. Being Hidden
16. The Impact of Past Betrayals
17. A Life Opened Up by Trust
Appendix: Suggested Topics for Discussion Groups
Acknowledgments
Part One
YOU CAN RESTORE
TRUST IN YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS
Description:Is my relationship worth saving?Will the trust ever come back?How can things be good between us again?Whether broken trust is due to daily dishonesties, a monumental betrayal, or even a history of hurts from the past, it can put a relationship at risk. This is the first book to show you exactly what
