Table Of Content
HUDSON STREET PRESS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA), 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
USA | Canada | UK | Ireland | Australia | New Zealand | India | South Africa | China Penguin Books Ltd,
Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England For more information about the Penguin
Group visit penguin.com
First published by Hudson Street Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA), 2013
REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA Copyright © Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this product may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or
electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted
materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Chamorro-Premuzic, Tomas.
Confidence : overcoming low self-esteem, insecurity, and self-doubt / Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, PhD.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-69813712-7 (eBook)
1. Self-confidence. 2. Self-esteem. I. Title.
BF575.S39C43 2013
158.1—dc23 2013020202
to Zdenka Premuzic
(who does not need to read this book)
Contents
Dear Reader
1
Confidence Ain’t Competence
The Difference Between Feeling and Being Able
Me, Me, Me (the Narcissistic Society)
Wanting Versus Needing Confidence (and Coke)
Higher Confidence Does Not Cause Competence
Most Confident People Are Deluded
Ignorance Ain’t Bliss
The Perils of Chasing Confidence
The Confidence-Competence Cycle
Why Feeling Down Can Be a Good Thing
The Confidence-Competence Grid
2
Taking Advantage of Low Confidence
You Can Benefit from Insecurities
Low Confidence Protects You
Low Confidence Helps You Improve
Being Other Focused
Successful People Are Rarely Themselves
If You Fake It You’ll Make It
3
Reputation Is King
If Character Is Destiny, Reputation Is Fate
Others Value Humility, Not Confidence
Everyone’s a Psychologist
Do Others Know What We Are Like? Do We?
Why You Should Care About Others’ Perceptions of You
Self-Knowledge Matters More Than Self-Belief
4
A Successful Career
What Top Performers Do Better
Debunking Career Myths (Confidence, Talent, and Arrogance)
Three Things Top Performers Do Better
How to Boost Your Career Confidence (Even Though You Don’t Have To)
5
Social Confidence and People Skills
How to Master Interpersonal Relations
Social Confidence as Presentational Strategy
The Toxicity of High Social Confidence
The Adaptive Side of Lower Social Confidence
How to Use Your Low Social Confidence to Enhance Your Social Competence
Early Childhood Experiences Determine Your Social Confidence (and That’s OK)
Turning Your Low Social Confidence into High Social Competence
6
A Loving Relationship
How to Boost Your Dating Confidence
Dating Confidence Is Not Dating Competence
Four Ways to Succeed in Romantic Relationships
There’s a Time to Fake Dating Confidence
7
A Healthier Life
Your Well-being Is in Your Hands
The Unhealthy Side of High Confidence
The Healthy Side of Lower Confidence
Low Confidence Extends Life
Earning Confidence (Through Well-being)
8
Easier Said Than Done?
All You Need Is a Bit of Willpower (and Low Confidence)
Embracing Low Confidence
Success Is the Best Medicine for Your Insecurities
A More Competent You
A More Competent, Less Confident World
Final Thoughts
Acknowledgments
Notes
Index
Dear Reader:
If you picked up this book to increase your confidence, you are not
alone. Millions of people have low confidence and most of them worry
about it, not least because it is hard to boost our confidence at will. The
good news is that low confidence is less problematic than you think. In
fact, although society places a great deal of importance on being
confident, there are no genuine benefits except feeling good. In fact,
lower confidence is key to gaining competence, which is the only
effective strategy for gaining genuine confidence—confidence that is
warranted by one’s actual competence.
Confidence is feeling able and competence is being able, but how
are the two related? Too many people ignore this question and simply
assume that higher confidence is advantageous per se. Although this
assumption is unfounded, it has nonetheless encouraged a mindless and
often self-destructive quest for higher confidence. Indeed, in much of the
Western world, particularly the United States, the assumption is that
more confidence is always better.1 If it weren’t for this assumption, you
might not even be reading this book. There is no reason to be ashamed
of our low confidence.
The main difference between people who lack confidence and those
who don’t is that the former are unable (or unwilling) to distort reality in
their favor. That’s right, the successful distortion of reality is the chief
underlying reason so many people don’t experience low confidence
when they should. Whereas pessimism leads to realism, optimism
promotes the fabrication of alternative realities—lying, not to others, but
to ourselves. There is no reason to envy people who appear confident,
even if they are also successful; their success is usually the cause rather
than consequence of their high confidence. The idea that we must do
something about our low confidence is by and large the result of popular
myths, which are not hard to debunk.
If you are concerned about your low confidence, this book will teach
you what you can do about it. The main lesson is that you should aspire
not to have high confidence, but to have high competence, and I will
show you how to make that happen. Confidence will follow more easily
when you can back it up with real accomplishments (and even then, it
may be better to remain relatively unassertive).
Approach this book with as critical and open a mind as you can. Do
not assume that the power to become instantly more confident is simply
in your hands or that high confidence should be your goal. Moreover,
don’t assume that having low confidence will harm your chances of
doing well in life. Or if you prefer to make these assumptions, be ready
to have them challenged.
Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, PhD
February 2013
1
Confidence Ain’t Competence
It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is
untrue. —Stephen Fry
The Difference Between Feeling and Being Able
B
iographers are quick to attribute the success of eminent people to their
colossal levels of confidence, while downplaying the roles of talent and
hard work, as if it were in anyone’s hands (or minds) to achieve exceptional
levels of success merely through sheer self-belief. In line, magazines and
popular blogs grossly exaggerate the role of confidence in determining fame and
success. Consider the following examples:1
“No matter what you do, be sure to love yourself for doing it.”
“If you have confidence you will reach any goal you have; but without
it, you have no chance of being successful.”
“If you love yourself, your life will be perfect.”
“We all admire confident people—confidence is the most important
asset in life and it will always lead to success and happiness.”
“We can all teach ourselves to be confident and then all our problems
will be solved.”
“Confident people are ten times more successful than those who lack
confidence.”
There are three big problems with these types of claims. First, it is not easy
to make your confidence soar, just like that. If it were, nobody would worry
about low confidence; we would just extinguish it like we do thirst or hunger.
