The Erotic Mind

389 Pages·2017·1.28 MB·English

by  Jack Morin

THE EROTIC MIND
Unlocking
the Inner
Sources
of Sexual
Passion
and
Fulfillment
JACK MORIN. Ph.D.
DEDICATION
To the men and women who revealed their
erotic secrets so that others might be inspired
to explore their own
CONTENTS
DEDICATION
INTRODUCTION SEX AND SELF-DISCOVERY
PART I: REALMS OF PASSION
1 PEAK EROTIC EXPERIENCES
2 THE EROTIC EQUATION
3 FOUR CORNERSTONES OF EROTICISM
4 EMOTIONAL APHRODISIACS
5 YOUR CORE EROTIC THEME
PART II: TROUBLESOME TURN-ONS
6 WHEN TURN-ONS TURN AGAINST YOU
7 SEX AND SELF-HATE
8 WINDS OF CHANGE
PART III: POSITIVELY EROTIC
9 LONG-TERM EROTIC COUPLES
10 SIGNPOSTS TO EROTIC HEALTH
11 EROS FULFILLED
APPENDIX: THE SEXUAL EXCITEMENT SURVEY
NOTES
RECOMMENDED READINGS
BIBLIOGRAPHY
SEARCHABLE TERMS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
COPYRIGHT
ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
INTRODUCTION
SEX AND
SELF-DISCOVERY
Appreciating the mysteries of eros requires
a new point of view.
E
ver since the sensation caused by Alfred Kinsey’s monumental studies of sexual
behavior, we seem to have developed an insatiable appetite for this kind of information.
It’s not simply that we’re voyeuristic or enjoy being titillated and entertained—although
most of us do. Many of us also crave reassurance that we’re sexually “normal,” hope to
resolve sexual problems, or look for ways to enhance our enjoyment. Others are
wondering how to keep the spark of passion alive in long-term relationships or
marriages.
Never before have so many had so many opportunities to learn so much about sex.
And yet the most important aspects of the sexual-experience are the ones we know least
about and are most reluctant to discuss. For example, we know far more about which
sexual acts people engage in, how often, and with whom, than we know about what
makes some of these acts compelling. We are awash in facts and figures, yet relatively
little has been written about what sex means for those involved—such as how it enriches
their lives or helps them feel better about themselves.
The greatest gap of all exists between our extensive knowledge about the physiology
of sex and our relatively rudimentary awareness of the psychology of arousal—how our
minds create, intensify, or restrict sexual enthusiasm. Considering how important these
issues are for a satisfying sex life, our sketchy understanding here is nothing short of
tragic. Sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld puts it bluntly:
More than anything else, arousal is what drives good sex. It is the spark. It is also
the cornerstone of a sexuality based on pleasure rather than on performance. If
you want more exciting and more satisfying sex, go for greater arousal.1
Almost everyone is aware that becoming aroused feels good. But how can we create
greater arousal when we know so little about it? Why are certain people, images, and
situations so much more stimulating than others? Why do individual preferences and
patterns vary so dramatically? Why are most of us attached to specific turn-ons? And
what do our turn-ons reveal about who we are and what we’re searching for?
These and other unanswered questions about arousal lie at the heart of this book. To
further our understanding we must broaden our interest beyond mere sex and explore the
world of eroticism. The erotic landscape is vastly larger, richer, and more intricate than
the physiology of sex or any repertoire of sexual techniques. The more mechanical and
explicit aspects of sex are relatively easy to observe and translate into numbers and
graphs, whereas the most rewarding and powerful secrets of eroticism are elusive, highly
individualistic, and difficult to quantify. To make sense of it we must cultivate a whole
new way of perceiving.
WHAT IS EROTICISM?
The modern concept of eroticism is rooted in Greek mythology. Eros was the young
and playful god of love, son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. At the most
basic level Eros is the source of attraction and the craving for sexual love. Some Greek
philosophers also saw Eros as the force behind all creation, his absence leading to decay
and destruction. Sigmund Freud was drawn to this interpretation, associating eros—
which he conceived as energy rather than a god—with his concept of libido, a
combination of sexual drive and life force.*
Eroticism can best be understood as the multifaceted process through which our
innate capacity for arousal is shaped, focused, suppressed, and expressed. We’re born
sensuous and sexual, but we become erotic as we receive both overt and subtle messages
about ourselves from our primary caretakers and gradually integrate these messages with
our experiences of touch, as well as the highly personal mental images and emotions that
go with them. As we grow, the demands and ideals of our culture, along with the
interpersonal dynamics of our families and communities, influence our responses
profoundly.
Eroticism is the process through which sex becomes meaningful. By the time we
reach adulthood we’ve all discovered that, by itself, sex can be little more than a
collection of urges and acts. But the erotic is intricately connected with our hopes,
expectations, struggles, and anxieties—everything that makes us human. Whereas sex
can be simple, by its very nature eroticism is complex, and from this richness true
passions are born. It is also through the magic of eros that sex and our search for
emotional closeness become intertwined.
Sexologist David Schnarch defines eroticism as “the pursuit and delight in sexual
pleasure.”2 This beautifully idealistic definition certainly describes those notable
moments when we are able to express and celebrate our erotic selves without restraint.
But it leaves out the fact that eros is energized by the entire human drama, including the
unruly impulses and painful lessons that no one—except those who retreat from life—
can possibly avoid. No wonder the erotic mind conjures up images of debauchery as well
as delight. Because it is connected with all aspects of existence, I define eroticism as the
interplay of sexual arousal with the challenges of living and loving.
A PARADOXICAL POINT OF VIEW
Your ability to probe the mysteries of the erotic mind insightfully—and to benefit from
your discoveries—will be enhanced enormously if you consciously cultivate a stance
toward the erotic that allows you to appreciate fully its rich complexity. The two
predominant schools of thought in contemporary psychology—which I call the
pathological and the neat-and-clean—have unwittingly limited our understanding of
eroticism at least as much as they have advanced it. These two viewpoints extend way
beyond psychology, permeating modern attitudes in countless ways.