Table Of ContentR A I S I N G Y O U R
SPIRITED CHILD
a guide for parents whose child is more
intense sensitive perceptive
• •
persistent energetic
•
Revised Edition
MARY SHEEDY KURCINKA
Dedicated to:
My husband, Joseph Michael Kurcinka—
without your insight, wit, and organizational eye
I couldn’t have done it.
My children, Joshua Thomas and
Kristina Leah Sheedy Kurcinka—
without you I wouldn’t have known.
My parents, Richard and Beatrice Sheedy—
without you I wouldn’t be...
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments v
Greetings! 1
part one
UNDERSTANDING SPIRIT
1 Who Is the Spirited Child? 9
2 A Different Point of View: Building on the Strengths 21
3 What Makes Kids Spirited?: Why They Do What They Do 36
4 Matches and Mismatches: Parents and Kids
Fitting Together 63
part two
WORKING WITH SPIRIT
5 Extrovert or Introvert: Finding the Energy to Cope 73
6 Intensity: Diffusing Your Child’s Strong Reactions 103
7 Intensity: Keeping Your Cool 129
8 Persistence: Choosing Your Battles 142
9 Sensitivity: Understanding How They Feel 179
10 Distractible or Perceptive: Helping Them Hear
Our Directions 196
11 Adaptability: Making Transitions Easier 215
12 Regularity, Energy, First Reaction, and Mood:
Understanding the “Bonus” Traits 235
iv CONTENTS
13 Tantrums: Spotting the Triggers 263
part three
LIVING WITH SPIRIT
14 Planning for Success: Predicting and Preventing
the Trouble Spots 291
15 Bedtime and Night Waking 313
16 Mealtime 346
17 Getting Dressed 368
part four
SOCIALIZING WITH SPIRIT
18 Getting Along with Other Kids 393
19 Holiday and Vacation Hot Spots 418
20 Success in School 440
part five
ENJOYING SPIRIT
Epilogue: The Rose in My Garden 467
Index 469
About the Author
Praise
Other Books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The creation of a book is an amazing project, completed
because of the contributions of many. To them I am very
grateful and must say thank you.
In random order as always...
All of the parents, teachers, and children who shared their
stories with me; you asked me not to share your names and I
won’t, but I have learned so much from you!
Kim Cardwell, my friend and colleague, who was with me
through every word, moan, groan, and moment of elation.
Heide Lange, my agent—the “dream maker” as I refer to
her—she put this project together.
Janet Goldstein, editor of the original version of Raising Your
Spirited Child, her emotional support and thoughtful insight were
incredibly important.
Gail Winston, editor of the revised edition; her patience and
guidance were deeply appreciated.
Peternelle van Arsdale, Janet’s assistant editor, who took care
of the details.
Ken Green, my attorney, who provided not only legal advice
but fatherly advice too.
The late JoAnne Ellison, my supervisor while at District 196;
thanks to her support and flexibility I was able to have time to write.
vi ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Cal Zwiefel, not my boss, but a friend and mentor who
believed in me.
Tim Francisco, friend and photographer, who captured my
“spirit” in his photographs.
Pat Francisco, friend, artist, and fellow writer, who taught me
what to expect and assured me I wasn’t crazy when I experienced
the range of a writer’s emotions!
The entire ECFE staff, especially Barbara Dopp, Shannon
Dufresne, Beth Hersman, Marietta Rice, Jenna Ruble, Leta Fox,
and Joan Kane, who let me pick their brains.
Vicki Cronin, friend, colleague, and mother of the other orig-
inal spirited children. We taught the first spirited child class
together—she served as acting director for me while I was on
leave writing and she shared her stories with me.
Deanne Haugen, my child-care person during the writing of
the original manuscript: my kids loved her, she played with them,
bought my groceries, washed our clothes, and kept us together
while I wrote and wrote and wrote!
Sue Olson, housecleaner and budding author; my house has a
semblance of order thanks to her efforts. Her interest and
encouragement have been a wonderful boost.
Janey Whitt, colleague and friend, who typed (yes typed) my
first book proposal and would not let me pay her.
LeeAnn McCarthy, colleague and friend, who helped me
hone my skills over the years and was always ready with a hug
when I needed it.
Jim Rogers, parent of a spirited child and radio announcer,
who heard me speak, liked what he heard, invited me on his
show, and helped this book to become a reality.
Pat Gardner, newspaper columnist, who nudged me to get
going by writing in her column that my book was in process
before it was started.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS vii
Susan Perry, writer and teacher, who taught me how to write
a book proposal.
Joanne Burke, friend and creator of my “keep inchin’ along”
worm, who kept me going on the tough days.
Kerry Reif, parent of spirited children and reader of my rough
drafts; her feedback helped me keep a “parent’s” perspective.
Jeanne Isley Clarke, author, who took the time to teach me
the ropes of publishing.
Dr. Stella Chess, originator of the temperament research, who
let me call her at home and took the time to answer my questions.
The late Joseph Kurcinka and Mary Kurcinka, my in-laws,
who patiently supported my efforts.
Barbara Majerus, Kathy Kurz, Helen Kennedy, and Sue Nel-
son, my sisters, who each in her own way encouraged and helped
me and who all taught me not to write anything that I haven’t
experienced or firmly believe to be true.
Ada Alden, friend and colleague; her wit and support have
been appreciated.
Brian Newhouse, Bonnie White, Marge Barrett, and Brian
Cabalka, members of my writers’ group, who let me know in a
tactful way when my writing was dry and boring or incomprehen-
sible and made the writing process much less lonely.
Julie Olson, colleague and educational administrator, whose
input on the school chapter was very helpful.
Shirley Gilmore, colleague and friend, who gave me pink
socks for the days I got “cold feet.”
Patti Manalokis, talented writer and mother of three, who
helped so much with the update.
Researchers Leslie Lytle, PhD, and Ellyn Satter, PhD, who
took time out of their busy schedules to talk with me.
Marti Olsen Laney, PhD, who was extremely helpful with
new information about introverts and extroverts.
viii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Lynn Jessen, friend and colleague, director of Paidea Child
Development Center, whose insights are deeply appreciated.
Bob, Jane, Sam, and Dani Herr—my wonderful spirited
neighbors!
Wendy Kennedy, my niece and the mother of three delightful
little boys, who helped me “check” the practicality of ideas.
Dawn Kalb, my outstanding administrative assistant, who
kept the office going while I wrote.
Norm Wallace, my high-school English teacher, who told me
I could write...
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK
YOU!
Greetings!
Welcome to Raising Your Spirited Child. I’m Mary, your guide,
licensed teacher of parents and children, fellow parent of
spirited children, now all grown up. Yes, there is hope! Today I
am in the position of enjoying the companionship of wonderful
“spirited” adults, having survived adolescence—which really
wasn’t bad at all—and have even had the pleasure of watching
my son choose a delightfully spirited young woman to be his wife.
I’m pleased to testify that the information and strategies pre-
sented in Raising Your Spirited Child have soundly stood the test of
time.
When I first sat down to write the original version of Raising
Your Spirited Child, I was a mother of little ones, teaching classes
for parents through the Minnesota Early Childhood Family Edu-
cation Program. At the time, I was frustrated by the existing cur-
riculums and secretly needed to talk with other parents who
understood what it was like to live with a child who could scream
for forty-five minutes because his toast had been cut in triangles
when he was expecting rectangles. The kind of kid who would
rather die than take no for an answer and knew the perfect trig-
ger to “push my buttons.” The kind of kid the existing parenting
books either failed to address or did so in terribly negative
terms—terms I wasn’t willing to accept.
I brought into those first spirited child classes the latest re-
search reports and studies of child development, communication,
