Table Of ContentDisclaimer
S
ome of these stories are fact and some peppered with fiction. If you buy me a Magnolia Bakery icebox
cake—I will tell you which is which.
Dedication
To my daughters, Elliott and Harper
Who were born wiser than me . . .
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Disclaimer
Dedication
Introduction: It’s Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood
Part I: This Much I Know
Chapter 1: Gutting to the Chapel
Chapter 2: Instaslam
Chapter 3: Kindness
Chapter 4: Maine
Chapter 5: Mona
Chapter 6: Shh, I Love My Husband
Chapter 7: Hold on to Your Summer
Chapter 8: Pretty Funny
Part II: Cautionary Tales
Chapter 9: Lessons from a Movie Star
Chapter 10: Peka Gone
Chapter 11: Hot Babysitter
Chapter 12: There Once Was a Man Who Flew to Nantucket
Chapter 13: Ah Yes, Family Vacation
Chapter 14: Gossip Girl
Part III: Half-Baked Advice
Chapter 15: So Long, Joe
Chapter 16: Tiny Life
Chapter 17: And They Called It Puppy Love
Chapter 18: Let Them Go
Chapter 19: Sex Tape
Chapter 20: Cursed
Chapter 21: Twenty Things I Know for Sure
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Ali Wentworth
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction:
It’s Never Too Late for a Happy
Childhood
I
am not a truthsayer, therapist, or advice columnist. I’m not even particularly
sage. But I do know a thing or two about a thing or two. And I have lived those
things or two (or three) and consequently fallen on my face, been hurt, been
humiliated, and occasionally been enlightened.
And for whatever reason, people tend to come to me for advice. (Probably
because I act like I know more than I do or am married to a Rhodes Scholar.)
Sometimes it’s helpful; often it falls on deaf ears. The most frequent response is
“Stop, you’re so annoying.” (Even my kids sometimes say this.) But because I’m
cheaper than a shrink and make the best chocolate chip cookie dough in the
Western Hemisphere, they tend to come back for more. Sure, everybody has
their own official guide to living an ethical life. You can abide by the Ten
Commandments, the Torah, the Koran, Deepak Chopra, whatever works for you.
But nowhere in those aforementioned doctrines will they advise you on whether
or not to teach your teenage daughter how to put in a tampon. Believe me, I’ve
checked them all.
I have always found shared personal experience to be a valuable learning tool.
And a very effective way to navigate life. I learn more about parenting and
marriage from my girlfriends than from Google, my gynecologist, or Pope
Francis. I know that Jesus suffered and there are tales to tell about that, but I like
a more firsthand approach. And how to deal with extramarital affairs—well, the
Dalai Lama won’t return my texts. But I have women friends with real
experience who can share some pretty daunting cautionary tales. And I have a
experience who can share some pretty daunting cautionary tales. And I have a
few doozies based on my own exposure to life that I like to pass along.
Now, don’t get me wrong here, I’m not trying to start a cult or replace Megyn
Kelly on daytime TV, I just think that there is a much bigger impact when
someone you know shares his or her experience. No doubt that’s why the mom
circles are so strong—it’s the shared information. We do become a village
raising our kids. It also humanizes us to be able to express our own fears,
anxieties, and ignorance.
Think about the volcanic reaction to recent allegations of sexual predators. Of
which, clearly, there are many and in every industry and faction of the
workforce. A person speaks out and reveals a personal story and then, in a
domino effect, more people speak out and it brings to light an epidemic.
Let me put the brakes on here for a second so that your expectations aren’t too
high about what you’re about to read. Or listen to. Or just put on the shelf
because the jacket is pretty and you need something to put under the photo of
your cat. This is basically a humor book and sexual predators are only in the
introduction to make a point. There is nothing religious, political, or ideological
in the following pages. There might be one Republican joke, I can’t remember.
Instead, I’m offering you the sum total of what I’ve figured out over the years.
Things I know for sure, things I’ve learned the hard way, and the answers to
questions others have posed to me over the years (yes, that’s the half-baked
advice part, but as I mentioned before, I am known for my baking skills . . . ).
Call it my sense and sensibility . . . or the mixed-up life of Ali Wentworth. But if
you don’t find at least one revelatory nugget, then I promise, I will come to your
house and do your laundry. Within the tristate radius. Schedule permitting. And
not including Jewish holidays. If I can’t make it, I’ll send my husband.
And if I can give you one piece of advice? You should buy this book for
everyone you know. Or have ever met.
Part I
This Much I Know
Personally, I think that if a woman hasn’t met the right man by the time she’s twenty-four, she
may be lucky!
—Deborah Kerr
Description:New York Times bestselling author Ali Wentworth offers her hilarious and unique advice on surviving the absurdity of modern life in her third collection of laugh-out-loud comic vignettes.Ali Wentworth’s first two books, Ali in Wonderland and Happily Ali After, were lauded by readers, critics, and
